Anyone who reads my blog knows that, of late, there has been a detachment going on. Nothing seemed to work to fill the void or change anything. It stayed as it was and, despite the pain inside, it felt as though it would always be this way.
I decided to attend Freedom Church today. I had actually decided to do so as of Wednesday, but today was what sealed the decision I’ve made to leave CLF and attend a different church.
Let’s begin with the schedule. They have Bible Study at 9 a.m., worship at 10 a.m., service/message at 11 a.m. So, they essentially set up an hour for worship. Not 15 minutes or a half hour and, if announcements or some other thing runs long, shorter than the allotted time. No. They allow Holy Spirit to move and do as He desires to do. I have been so hungry for that freedom.
So, I arrived for worship and sat with Annie. As we sang the songs. I held tightly to my pride and worshiped softly, as I’ve done for years now. I could hear Holy Spirit calling me to break free and praise as I’ve longed to do for so long, but I withheld myself and my praise from Jesus.
The message came with amazing clarity. The biggest thing for me was that if I don’t forgive I can never understand freedom.
At the end of the message, Holy Spirit was given freedom to move as He wished and there was amazing breakthroughs and changes. Though I was still prideful and resistant to going to the altar, I prayed at my seat. I kept calling out to God at every opportunity, “You, Lord. I want You. That is all. Just You. More of You. To know You and be known by You. To fall passionately in love with You again.” Even when my soul wanted to seek the call and have that confirmed, I pushed it down and said, “No. Just You, Lord. Just You.”
At one point, as I prayed, there was a mighty breakthrough at the altar and Holy Spirit fell mightily and I felt Him again! Wow. Just wow. Words fail. Softly, the Lord asked, “How long has it been since you’ve felt Me like this?” Too long.
I was praying in my mind, softly, and at one point I said, “Lord, I am just so tired of being alone.” And at that instant, I felt a hand on my shoulder and a woman began praying for me. There are no such things as coincidences, especially when God is involved. I was floored. I was awed. He had my attention.
As she prayed over me, Annie came to my seat and prayed over me and then asked if I wanted to go to the altar and pray. Ever prideful, I shook my head. She then asked if it was okay if they prayed over me. I nodded in agreement. As they prayed, Annie mentioned how the Lord has kept me and I said, silently, “Yes, Lord. You’ve kept me. No matter what is going on or how I feel, You have kept me!” How have I forgotten that there is always a reason to praise Him? Always.
After Annie and the other woman left, the pastor mentioned how he had dismissed those that wanted to leave. He again mentioned that people were dismissed and that others could stay. I felt like staying. I thought it was because I wanted to be sure to say good-bye to Annie, but now I see that God had something in store for me.
As we continued to pray, I glanced at my watch and it was after 12:30 p.m. It didn’t feel like I’d been there so long! The service was winding down and a woman stood up from praying on the front row. She then came to my seat and introduced herself as Josie. That came at the end, but I wanted to put it in now. 🙂
She sat down next to me and asked me if I was familiar with what was going on. I let her know that I was familiar with it, as I had attended the Potter’s House and CLF and she stated that it was nothing new and I agreed and then she delved right into my soul.
She mentioned how I wasn’t there by accident, that I was there by design, and that I hadn’t failed God. She mentioned that I had once had a passionate life with Him and now I had a small flame that was nearly going out, but it stayed lit because I love God and refuse to let go of that love. She said that I am hungry for God and I am so desperate to return to that passion and yet I can’t find a way to do it. She told me how I had been hurt by others and that I had to forgive them in order to be free. She spoke about how I need to trust God again and she even spoke about how I’ve closed myself off from any other friendship because it hurt too much the last time. She said that God was going to send new people into my life. She said that the fire would be rekindled and that I would know how and where to fulfill God’s call for my life. She said that this (the freedom of allowing Holy Spirit to move) was what I had been longing for and missing. She mentioned how I used to be free in worship, but that I was holding back and was no longer being free.
There was so much…so much…I kept wishing I had recorded it. LOL. Everything she said spoke right into my soul, my broken heart, and pulled no punches. At the end, we introduced ourselves and she said she wanted to be my friend. 🙂
I cried as I haven’t cried in a long, long time. God met me there, second row, and showed me that He was listening all along. My heart, my cries, my fears, my worries…all of my regrets and my hungers and my loss…all of it, He listened and He guided me to the place where I can continue moving forward and were, at last, that mighty flame, that passionate love, will return.
At last.
I don’t know why He loves me so much and why He holds me so tight, but my Jesus is the best. I don’t deserve His devotion, love and attention, but I would never, for any wealth or worldly gain, trade it away.
Hephzibah 