The heart of the matter

I’m always fascinated by the power of music. Psalms in the Bible shows us that music is for God. Today, we see music used in various expressive ways, which was true in David’s day, as well. I don’t pretend that mankind has always used music for worship of God, as it should be used, however, one thing that we mortals have always understood is the absolute power of music.

Music can return you to a time and place with the first strum of the guitar. It’s like a time machine…you can even feel the feelings you had that very day. Songs can remind you of a person, they can bring you sorrow, make you feel great joy, bring movement to your body, inside and out, and make you connect with someone you felt like you didn’t have anything in common with.

We can lift our voices in praise and worship Jesus Christ and we can do so even with songs not designated for that purpose, with some minor tweaking and a right heart.

Because, you see, it is the heart of worship that matters. Whenever I see churches that are so concerned with their worship team that they hold auditions, it’s disturbing. There are ways to allow someone such joy as being a part of the worship team even if their singing needs refinement. Why do we limit our fellow believers when God looks at the heart?

God told Samuel not to judge by the outward and David was the anointed future king. David, however, could sing and beautifully at that. Later, the word of God tells us that David was a man after God’s own heart. The heart, you see, is what matters. The heart of worship is all about Jesus Christ.

“Let our voices rise like incense, let them be as sweet perfume.” Return to the heart of worship and let your praises rise and be not concerned with those before you or around you. Your Father God is desiring to hear your voice. Will you lift it up and praise Him?

‘Tis The Season

We know that there are seasons in our lives. Mainly, we do not think of them beyond Spring, Summer, Winter, and Fall. Yet, now, I feel that we have arrived at the season of grieving.

Ecclesiastes 3 says: There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,

A right time to kill and another to heal,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain,

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,

A right time to shut up and another to speak up,

A right time to love and another to hate,

A right time to wage war and another to make peace. (verses 1-8, MSG)

 

I find that there is a definite heaviness to all that is happening in our world right now. The massacre in Orlando, the shooting death of a family in New Mexico by the father, the shooting death of The Voice singer, the death of the 2 year old…and the politics that are swarming in and callously pushing their agendas. Where is the compassion and the empathy? The thing is that no one even pretends to care anymore.

Social media has placed us in a place of cold distance, a place to be a bully and to be abusive, to call names and to gossip. I am ashamed to admit that it still hurts me deeply that a family member called me a bigot. I can be a strong force for what I believe, yet the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse is not needed. I never said you have to agree with me. It would be great to feel loved, though.

We see an amazing outreach online, as well. Times of compassion and genuine love. I think that is the only reason that the internet and social media can still be as popular as it is. The Bible tells us that a soul can survive when a body is sick, but no body can survive a broken soul. That is so true.

I have wept a great deal of late. I have thought about the loss experienced by so many, the fear that takes hold of hearts and minds, the trauma that comes in the aftermath, the healing, the struggle…yet, life. Seasons. Why are we in a season of grieving?

Truly, America and most churches have left the Word of God and have begun to do whatever feels good in the moment. While we’ve allowed sin to prosper and grow without concern, we are seeing two extremes: the love and accept everything mantra and the hate-filled and anti-Christ screaming. In between, however, are the ones that are trying, trying so desperately, to live love and speak truth.

Our hearts are heavy, our minds are plagued, our souls are wounded, and the world continues to spiral into ungodliness. We actually expect this because God’s Word tells us this is the way it must go as we draw nearer and nearer to the return of Christ.

But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I’ve had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he’s left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he’s coming or going. I’ve decided that there’s nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That’s it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It’s God’s gift. (Ecclesiastes 3:9-13, MSG)

Solomon reached a place where he despaired of life. Why? Because he had it all! He was wise and wealthy beyond measure. He was feared and adored. He was king and he had royalty from other lands coming to him for guidance and bringing gifts to him. He built the Temple of the Lord. He had many wives and hundreds of concubines. He had peace and victory. Yet, his soul was in turmoil. Why? Because he wasn’t focused on God anymore. He had turned his attention to the temporal pleasures of this world and the above portion of Scripture shows the depth of despair that filled his heart.

This world is seductive and the devil wants nothing more than for us to live in the dredges of morality so that we are bound by shame and sin and temptation. 2 Timothy 3:1-9 says, “Don’t be naive. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck-up, profane, contemptuous of parents, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, savage, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They’ll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they’re animals. Stay clear of these people. These are the kind of people who smooth-talk themselves into the homes of unstable and needy women and take advantage of them; women who, depressed by their sinfulness, take up with every new religious fad that calls itself “truth.” They get exploited every time and never really learn. These men are like those old Egyptian frauds Jannes and Jambres, who challenged Moses. They were rejects from the faith, twisted in their thinking, defying truth itself. But nothing will come of these latest impostors. Everyone will see through them, just as people saw through that Egyptian hoax.” (MSG)

Essentially, and more powerfully, we are living in a world that is “holding to a form of [outward] godliness (religion), although they have denied its power [for their conduct nullifies their claim of faith].” (AMP, verse 5) This is what we’re seeing lived out this very day. And it’s getting worse.

Matt Walsh wrote a blog that encouraged Christians to stand. Even in the midst of all that goes on, we need to stand. We don’t need to stand the way that Westboro Baptist Church chooses to stand, by attacking anyone and everyone, but rather we need to stand as Christ stood, declaring God’s truth, living with joy, and being obedient to the Word of God. We need to stand for what we believe and live for what we believe.

It is far easier to just shrug our shoulders and go with the flow. Even dead fish flow downstream. People may wonder why it matters so much, and the reason is simple and sound: eternity. It matters because it isn’t just the here and now…it’s forever. It’s eternal. There is much more at stake than feelings and temptations. We are talking about the soul that lives on forever…either in the presence of God or eternally separated from Him.

Consider that we have never, ever experienced a day without feeling the presence of God. He is everywhere. He is all around us. He is in us and flows through us. There has never been a day when He has abandoned us. We have no concept of the torture we would face on the other side of this life, when we are truly separated from God and His presence since we rejected His one and only Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus felt this separation for us on the Cross, when He cried out, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” In that moment, He felt the true separation from God because in that moment, He took our sin and penalty upon Himself. All at once, He felt the separation that sin creates between unholy people and a holy God. Even with this, I don’t believe that He experienced the ultimate separation that those who die in their sins ultimately feel.

God is calling us to turn from our wicked ways and repent. We cannot expect the nation to do so. The sign of the times are glaringly obvious. Yet, we must do so as the Bride of Christ, as the church, as followers of Christ. We must set aside our approved of sins and align our lives under God, bringing our flesh under control, and presenting our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and acceptable to Him (Romans 12).

“I’ve also concluded that whatever God does, that’s the way it’s going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God’s done it and that’s it. That’s so we’ll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear. Whatever was, is. Whatever will be, is. That’s how it always is with God.” (Ecclesiastes 3:14-15, MSG)

 

May 4, 2016

Hear the audio of this post here: RPGW: 2 Chronicles 7:14

However, if My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves, pray, search for Me, and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear [their prayer] from heaven, forgive their sins, and heal their country.
-2 Chronicles 7:14, God’s Word Translation

Last night, Senator Ted Cruz suspended his run to be the Republican Nominee for the POTUS race of 2016. To see such dark days ahead for America is the first call to Christians to awaken, yet who will heed it? We can see that the days are drawing near when Christ will return for His Bride, a pure Bride, mind you, and the church of America has fallen very much into the darkness of prostitution and impurity.

Let’s look first, though, at this verse, before we journey too far into the realm that will irritate, annoy, and anger pacifist Christians. The verse above speaks of steps, requirements if you will, for God to come back into America and heal the country that was founded on religious freedom and firm, foundational belief and reliance on God.

First, who is this verse addressing? Who, exactly, are God’s people? Well, “people” in this realm refers to a tribe (Israel). Figuratively, it’s a flock, troops, attendants, or nation. So, anyone that insists that they are Christians, whether they live it out daily or not, would be figured into this, because Christians are called by the name of God, called to live out a holy and pure and righteous life as Christ has lived such a life (ref. 1 Peter 1:16). So, while reading to this, if you call yourself a believer, a Christian, a follower of Christ, then you are the one this verse is speaking to.

Next, what does He mean when referencing “called”? In this day and age, many professing Christians do not recognize His voice. In fact, many insist that He doesn’t speak and will mock those that believe He does. Others will warp the words of the Lord and insist that the voice of the enemy is the voice of the Lord, despite the contrary nature of the permissions granted. But, I digress. This is expressly saying that these people, this tribe/nation, has been called out and properly addressed by name. The individual person matters to Christ. He sees you. He knows you. He loves you. And He calls you out, by name, and tells you the words of this verse, tells you what you must do to bring Him back to America, back to bless and anoint and protect America. But, will you do it?

Next, the name of God, His name, which He has so very many, because He is so very multi-faceted, so very powerful and amazing. To be called by His name, we see a mark of individuality, honor, authority, character. We know that God, as shown in the Old Testament, could turn a nation that once stood against Him, around to be for Him, merely by His fame and renown. We see today, however, the dark mark that Christians have in this world, some of it due to the hatred of Christ, but, let’s face of it, most of it isn’t because the world hates Christ, but rather because of the sinful compromises and dark evils that Christianity has permitted and allowed. The leaven has increased, as it is wont to do, and it has permeated the entire Christian life, where one must now decide if they identify as a Christian or as a follower, a true disciple, of Christ, because there is a difference…and it is a very distinct one. Being called by God’s name is something so powerful and awe-inspiring that it should be treated with reverence and honor, yet it is not in the America churches, and that is why this verse is so valid to us and must be heeded.

Let’s take a look now at the commands of this verse:

1. Humble themselves
2. Pray
3. Search for God
4. Turn from their evil ways

1. Humble themselves…that’s a big one. Why? Because Americans and Christians are infested with pride. It is writhing and squirming and twisting inside us all. This is apparent in the massive amounts of abortions that are committed daily, in the fact that Christians not only support the right to choose, which is a lie in and of itself, but also will grant this prideful falsehood upon themselves, as well. Pride, thinking that we can tell God that the life He placed within someone is not His, that it is the woman’s, and that she can choose to kill that life without remorse. Pride. It is apparent in the rages that flood the streets of America and wash the asphalt in the blood of strangers and loved ones. We are blessed at this point in time to not live in a war-torn country, yet from within, prideful anarchy is killing us in dark and twisted ways. The arrogance of men and women to believe that they can determine the outcome of another’s life through violence. Pride. It is evident in the abuse and neglect of others under the dark guise of equality and tolerance. We can see the safety of others offended and violated in the urgency to condone and approve sin. Pride, believing that we know better than the very God who created us. Pride. So, how does one humble themselves when they are wracked with pride? To be humble means to bend the knee, to bring low into subjection, and subdue. To subdue self and allow God to have His way again, to have His word heeded and His voice recognized, to vanquish the flesh and stop indulging the prideful immorality that is permitted within the church and without, to take the rebellious self and subject it to the truth that is the Bible, the very mandates of the one true and holy God, before we are brought to our knees by the very pride that tightens its noose with every passing day. To be humble before God is nothing fearful or dark, for He is not abusive as us Christians can be when one comes to us humbly. No. Not by any means would God brow-beat or destroy those humbled before Him. Consider Pharaoh, who refused to be humbled, and thus was broken. Consider the New Testament, where the cornerstone (Christ) will never disappoint those who believe in Him, yet will be a stone of stumbling and a rock of offense for others (ref. Romans 9:33; 1 Peter 2:4-8; Acts 4:10-12; Ephesians 2:20-22). So, Christian, answer this question: are you willing to humble yourself before Christ, to admit that you’ve allowed pride to win and run your life, that you’ve excused sinful actions and choices in your life and the lives of your friends and family, in order to live life your way, not God’s way? Humble yourselves.
2. Prayer. This is horribly forsaken, limited to bed time, morning rushes, and meals. I am extremely guilty of this, I’ll admit. Setting aside time to truly pray and talk with God daily is vital and is seriously lacking. Here, we see that we are called to officially or mentally judge, that’s right, JUDGE, ourselves and what is our current climate, not others, but the very direction and voice and trajectory of America and the church we attend. This doesn’t mean that you look at others and judge them. Don’t let pride run your actions here. This kind of judgment is taking the holy word of God and determining if you and the nation and the church are following God’s word and living a life of humility, righteousness, and holiness before Him. If not, changes must be made, but they must begin with you. None of us are perfect, and if anyone at this point in the commands of this verse believes themselves to be, they have missed the first command, humility, and must return to that place and humble themselves. We are all sinners. There are things that we have excused and allowed in our lives. Sins have become acceptable. The sin of reprobate, deviant, and hyper-sexuality, lying, gluttony, pride (addressed in great detail already), anger…I could go on, but I won’t. Examine and judge yourself and see what it is that needs to be repented of and removed and then pray for your church, pray for your nation, call out to God in earnest prayer that He would give us the awakening and the ability to turn from our wicked ways (to be broached a little later in greater detail) and live a godly life again. This call is to intercede, entreat, and make supplication. This is a vital and urgent part of this verse. Ask yourself this question: Do I pray and commune with God or do I talk at Him and go about my day my way? Prayer is meant to be communication and our prayers should most assuredly have an urgency to them, especially in these days.
3. Search for or seek God. We are to search out, specifically in worship or prayer, the face of God. We are to search for Him with urgency and, rest assured, if you seek Christ, you will find Christ. This isn’t a waste of time. If you seek Him, you will find Him, you cannot fail. Why? Because He is there to be found. He isn’t hiding from you. He isn’t teasing you or mocking you. He wants you to find Him, to seek Him out, to strive after Him, to pursue Him, and this is done in prayer and worship, that is to clearly say, through relationship. When Christ is calling us to seek His face, that is significant because the face is the part that turns, that sees, that speaks, that hears. We can tell from this that Christ is fully willing and ready to respond to our seeking and He will do so quickly and in amazing love and power. Why are you not seeking God? Is it fear of judgment? Fear of correction? A feeling of unworthiness? Put it all aside, fall on your knees, pray and seek His face and then, then, move forward with the most difficult step of all: true repentance.
4. Turn from their evil ways. This is the part of this verse that so many leave out. I can remember when I was in a church service and this verse was read many times and this part, this most vital part, was left out. That still irks me. Why? Because the American churches have become prideful places where we don’t believe we need to repent and turn from our wicked ways. We have accepted sin into our churches and into our lives in small measures, eventually opening up the floodgates under the guise of love and grace that is watered down and not the least bit godly. Repentance means to turn back, to do a 180 and walk away from it, not to say you’re sorry and then continue doing it, but to turn your back on your bad, evil, immoral wretchedness and never return. This is why I said it is the most difficult step at all, because it requires leaving the flesh in submission and turning your back on sin forever under the power of Christ, which is the only way that we can stop sinning at all. Sin is a road that we journey down, just as salvation is, and one road is wide while the other is narrow, one leads to death while the other leads to life. Consider that the Bible says that is sin to know what one is supposed to do and then that one opting not to do it (ref. James 4:17). Take some time and truly look at what grace is. Grace isn’t a license to continue in sin or to excuse the sins of others. Far from it! Grace cost Jesus Christ His life upon the Cross. Would that have been done to permit the children of God to continue living in immoral godlessness? Pride tells us that we can do what we want to do and that grace covers it regardless, but that is not true. Yes, grace covers a multitude of sins (ref. 1 Peter 4:8), yet in context we must understand that this is to win someone back to Christ. That means that you don’t attack a visitor to your church or a baby Christian with judgments and harsh regimes to follow. What it doesn’t mean is that you allow them to remain in their sins for years and years without conviction and truth being spoken, letting them lead a ministry and be a pillar in the church, while sinning without repentance or even a desire or willingness to change. We see this clearly in many churches today in the form of homosexuality, accepting that they can live that life and declare themselves Christians. The same is true about fornication, couples living together in sinful sexual lifestyles, or even in our excessive gluttony that is allowed at every church picnic, fellowship, and potluck. We can find ourselves using grace as a sin blanket, instead of as a bridge to repentance. Love is the other misused word. Love for a person doesn’t mean excusing their sin. Consider the danger of crossing a busy street. Would you tell your child that they can play in the street and not warn them of the dangers and protect them because they want to play in the street and you love them and the way to show love is to let them have their way? No, of course not. Neither does Christ. Consider that there are times when God tells us no in response to our prayers. Why would He do that if He loves us? It’s because He loves us that He does this. Love is not excusing or condoning sinful behavior. Rather, love is speaking the truth, showing God’s love through the call to repentance, because Christ giving His life on the Cross is not for us to sin and sin and sin, treating His sacrifice as worthless, as nothing. Rather, His sacrifice calls us to do the same: to die daily to self and to make our bodies a living sacrifice before Him (ref. Romans 12:1). Ask yourself this: are you using the worldly renditions of grace and love to tolerate, excuse, and continue in sin? Turn from your wicked and sinful ways…repent. That is what this verse calls on us to do.

Here comes the bright and shining light. Let’s look at the promises of our faithful God if we do these things that the verse commands us to do:

1. I will hear their prayer from Heaven
2. I will forgive their sins
3. I will heal their country

1. I will hear their prayer from Heaven. Notice that only after we do the things listed above will our prayers be heard. Does this mean that when we cry out to God He isn’t listening? No. We see here that this means to listen intelligently and purposefully, with the implication of attention. What’s the difference? The difference is relationship. If you’ve done what is commanded above, you and Christ are in a relationship, and the words, “Depart from Me, I never knew you,” will not be spoken to you on that day (ref. Matthew 7:23). This verse has always struck me because any of us can be in that place on that day. Consider that these people He is speaking of met Him in heaven and fully and firmly believed that they knew Him and had served Him, yet they hear those words and are cast out, cast away from His presence. Consider, also, that Christ is not bound by time. He is able to be here and at the day when you stand before Him. Was, is, and ever shall be. This truth that we could be cast away for living a façade of Christianity should be a wake-up call in and of itself, but we are content to sleep on. It’s easier, you see, to condone sin and be tolerant. It’s easier to fit in with culture and just have Christ on Sundays. It’s easier to stay home and Netflix binge (I’m guilty of that, too), to be anti-social and locked away from anyone and anything, saving yourself from the burden of standing for something. Yet, to have Christ hear our prayers and actively move, relationship is key. His love for us knows no bounds and cannot be made greater, yet our love for Him develops and grows based on our time with Him and our relationship. It is one thing to say you love God, for many say this, but it is another thing entirely to be in love with God. And that is the line crossed in relationship that allows for this promise to come to fruition.
2. I will forgive their sins. Did you know that there is a sin that is unforgivable? The Bible tells us that blasphemy of Holy Spirit is the only sin that Christ will not forgive (ref. Mark 3:28-30). Why would there be a sin that man could commit that Christ would be unwilling to forgive? Doesn’t that seem harsh? Isn’t He setting those lost and rebellious souls up for failure? I mean, if you know there’s a sin you can commit that God won’t forgive, then surely, in your angst and anger, you’d commit it and then it would be hopeless for you forever, since no amount of repentance later on would make it right. Ah, but here’s the truth of it: the only reason this sin is unforgivable is because forgiveness is never sought. It is the ultimate sin of pride, you see? As Holy Spirit presses and presses and Jesus calls and calls and the person refuses and refuses, well, how can a sin be forgiven if Jesus is never accepted and repentance is never made? It can’t. That is the reason there is an unforgivable sin. So, you’re safe if you’re afraid that you’ve committed this sin. It is only too late when your last breath leaves your body. Rest easy. Every sin you’ve committed can be forgiven. Every single one. So do not let the lies of the enemy and fear keep you from coming to Christ and repenting and being forgiven. This promise spares us the wage of sin: death. We will die physically here, but we will not die in the soul and spirit, which will dwell with Christ and God and Holy Spirit forever and ever. We are pardoned…justified, as if we’d never sinned at all. This is possible through the blood of Christ and repentance, as discussed above in #4, and we see in the beginning of this that repentance is vital in more ways than we originally believed. There is great freedom in being forgiven. Trust me.
3. I will heal their country. And this is the reason that Ted Cruz stepping out of the race and leaving us with Clinton, Sanders, or Trump as our last options right now, led to this blog being written and the verse being shared. Dark days are coming. We need God to heal America. We need Him to heal our churches and our families and ourselves. Look, though, that the order of these things are in the order of things that matter to Christ: the individual. In the Old Testament, God would place a ruler over Israel to call His children to repentance. That is the future America now faces. These three remaining options will bring us to a place of repentance because America is heading toward anarchy and anti-Christ mentalities. There is no stopping it. Yet, beginning with the individuals, healing and helping and protecting and blessing the individuals, will lead to the change that America needs in order to return to Christ. We know that we are in the end days, that Christ is coming soon, so regardless of the level of healing that comes to our country, the commands in this verse and the promises therein are vital for us to be the pure Bride with lanterns lit that Christ is expecting when He returns to call us home, before God pours His judgment upon the earth and all who remain upon it. This healing is a mending, a cure, a repair, as a physician would do, and it is the sick in need a physician (ref. Matthew 9:12, Mark 2:17). This healing would make us thoroughly whole. Maybe the area He will heal will be the churches alone, the Christians alone, and America will never return to being a godly nation. Can we accept that? Can Christians again be light in the darkness and salt in the flavorlessness of this world, or will we continue to add to the darkness and poison the world along with all those who reject Christ (ref. John 1:5; Matthew 5:13-16)?

Wake up, Christians. Stop allowing sin to rule you. We need to truly love as Christ loves and stand for the truth of God’s word, not backing down for political correctness and popularity. Yet, first, we must start with ourselves, and do as this verse commands, to gain the promises it offers, and to be set free to be truly set apart, holy, righteous, and godly, the pure Bride of Christ, Christ-like and to know and be known by the one true, holy, righteous, and just God. We need to stop excusing sin in others in order to show the fake definition of grace and love, but rather to reach into our relationship with Christ and love the way He loves and offer grace in the midst of salvation and failing. We need to revoke the license to sin that we’ve issued and stop allowing pride to dominate our lives, families, and churches. We need to wake and keep our lanterns full of oil and our wicks trimmed and be ready when the Bridegroom arrives for His Bride.

Hear the audio of this post here: RPGW: 2 Chronicles 7:14

This means war

I caused myself harm today.

Now, I am a very observant person when it comes to my own failings. I know that I am so very far from perfect. In fact, I never claim perfection…unless in jest…but today, I was right back where I was as an angry, traumatized, miserable teenager and it scared me.

I won’t backstory this too much and I won’t detail this too much, but suffice it to say, I had some rough moments as a wee lass, and that’s fine. Very few of us had fairytale upbringings. That’s fine, too. I don’t blame my father or mother or step-father or anything for who I am and what I’ve done. There are things, yes, that were entirely the choice and fault of another, placed upon me, but that matters not in the grand scheme of things. I’m an adult now, you see, and I know things that I didn’t know then.

Today, working on my college tests, I had a horrible computer incident, which led to me getting a much lower grade in my Child Psychology test (because it was timed and I lost a good 30 minutes in the chaos) than I would have received normally. I’ve asked for a retest. I don’t know if it will be allowed. That’s okay, too. Now.

As things were happening, my mind was regressing, and I wasn’t even aware. Suddenly, I was back in that apartment as a 4th grader, shoved against the dresser by a drunken lout, who yelled in my face, “What’s 12×12?!?!” over and over and over again. Soon, he was forced out, but my door didn’t lock, so it was held to prevent access as the drunken voice screamed the same question over and over and over again through the door and I weepingly replied, “It’s 144. It’s 144.” to no avail. Yes, I hate Math.

Well, I can’t blame my hatred of Math on that one incident. There was another, at another place, another alcoholic, who made me stay up all night to write my times tables because the teacher at the time was not a teacher at all and her answer to everything I did wrong (there was a lot, mind you, because I had just gone through abuse, you see, and I was a little traumatized by it) was to write each times table 5 times and no computer access on computer lab days (still 4th grade, you see). Each day that I didn’t turn in said times tables, she added 5 more times…and so on and so forth. By the time they notified my guardian, we’re looking at an impossible number of times writing them. Hundreds. She lowered it a bit. I think I had to write each set of times tables 50 times…but the numbers blur, now, as they tend to do in my creative brain. Anyway, I fell asleep at the dining room table atop my notebook papers with countless times tables, pencil still in hand. Yeah. That was a small look at my life.

Today, I was suddenly back there. But there is so much more, you see. So much more. Gosh, I just can’t even…well, anyway, due to things that happened, I became physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to myself. I would pull my own hair and hit myself on the neck and call myself names and tell myself horrible, dark things, because that’s just how I coped with my stress, fear, rejection, loneliness, and pain. Yeah. I guess coped isn’t the right word, but that’s fine. I was back there, you see, today, at 36 years old, I was suddenly that scared 4th grader shouting, “It’s 144!” at a door that jumped and bounced against the doorframe as the drunken man tried to gain access, I was back to that scared and hurt teenager that just wanted the pain to go away, even as she inflicted it back on herself. I was right back there again.

So I punched my computer lap desk very hard about five times. Stupid computer doesn’t want to work? Well, the answer, of course, is to hit it. Computer costs a lot of money, though, so I’ll hit the solid wood stand instead. And I did. And my knuckle on my middle finger on my right hand instantly swelled up. It is now bruised, along with my ring finger. I caused myself harm today.

After getting a 21 out of 40 on the quiz that timed out, I slapped myself on the top of my head with both hands over and over and over again. I caused myself harm today.

Later, because things can’t rest when the devil wants you dead, I clung to Beary and I told God, “Please, no. I just can’t marry, God. I just can’t have a man in my life. Please. I’ll do everything else You called me to. Everything else. And I’ll do it with passion and I’ll start right away and I’ll do it all with everything I am. But, please, God, I can’t marry. I just can’t.” I’ve told Him so in anger…this time was in fear. Fear.

When I punched the table and I hit myself, God asked me, “What is going on, Julie?” I told Him I didn’t know, but I did. I do. That spirit is back in my house. That evil, dark, hateful, abusive spirit is back in my house. I prayed in tongues. I put on my headphones. I cried. It’s back. And it is time for the warfare to begin.

We get to a safety zone, you see, but the devil isn’t done. It isn’t his intent to let me rest on my laurels and have nothing to worry about except living a moral life. The strange thing is, though, when he declares war on the sleeping Christian, he just wakes us up. We take up our sword again and we slaughter him. We step into the roles Christ has for us and we take more souls from the devil’s coffers and we return them to the family of God.

War has been declared. I am not a victim. I am not a punching bag. And I am not going to allow that shattered little girl to resurface and cause physical and emotional harm to me as I did today. My guard was down, you see? I was asleep. My armor was lying to the side, my sword in its sheath, but I’m awake now. I know that spirit has infiltrated my godly home once more, through means outside of my control, but I will not be pushed out, I will not be made uncomfortable in the place that God has set aside for my mom and I. No. I will not sleep anymore.

The war has always been, the battles have always raged. I’ve just been content to sleep in my tent in the safety of the camp, surrounded by guards. But, no longer. I am taking on my armor and taking up my sword and I will fight, because I belong to Christ and no one abuses me. No one imprisons me. No one controls me. This means war.

It’s not me, it’s You

My dog didn’t get sick because I did something wrong and she didn’t get better because I did something right. My prayers and the prayers of others weren’t answered because we are golden and good all the time. I didn’t get a refund for the first time in years because I tithe. It’s not me, it’s You.

I am not one of those kinds of folks that take credit for the good and blame others for the bad. In fact, I blame myself for the bad (many times it truly is my own doing) and I struggle with finding that balance when it comes to the good.

It has been an emotional rollercoaster of late. First, I discovered, quite by accident and right on the cusp of a potentially disastrous decision, that I would be receiving a refund this year. That was surprising in and of itself. So, after I got over my shock and I thanked God for His provision, I began to take the credit. I tithe, you see. But, it isn’t me. And, as I was grappling with the truth of that, my dog got very, very sick.

Pudge spent last weekend limping around. On Friday, she couldn’t put weight on her right foot. By Saturday, she refused to do so. Sunday showed an improvement. Then came the lethargy and the weakness. Sleeping all day. Not able to stand up. Weak and not at all the dog we know and love. So, on Wednesday, my mom took her to the vet and we began hearing the scariest news ever: Pudge was so sick that she could die and the vet had no idea what was wrong with her.

I couldn’t understand for the life of me why my prayers weren’t being answered. God has saved my animals from certain death countless times after I’ve prayed. It’s expected. I couldn’t comprehend what was going on. Was it me? Was it something I did or didn’t do? Is it my fault she’s sick in the first place? Did I not love her enough? That was what I settled on, you see, and I told God that I would be much more loving and attentive if He would just save her life.

I took to Facebook and asked for prayers and received many positive responses. Yet, when I went to pick Pudge up, the vet was telling me just how dire the situation truly was and since we didn’t have the money to pay a large bill, there wasn’t much they could do. We were able to arrange for her to stay overnight through the grace and provision of God and I was so sad to leave her there, but I knew it was for the best.

That night at home was so bleak, even with the other two dogs present. My mom and I missed our sweet Pudge’s footsteps and quiet stare. We struggled with the question: why didn’t You heal her when we prayed over her? My mom told me that she had prayed over Pudge at the house and I said, “So did I,” and she let me know that she had even laid hands on her while she prayed and I said, “Me, too,” and that she prayed in tongues, “Yes, I did too,” so why, then, was she at the vet?

As I drove to work Thursday morning, the vet called and said that her fever had gone from 102 to 104 and that if they don’t do something, she was going to die. “What can we do?” I asked, because they still didn’t know what was wrong with her. I asked about blood work and he said that that wasn’t a viable option. I asked him what he suggested and he said steroids shot. I approved it.

I had been posting to Facebook steadily and I did so again once I got to the office. Prayers, prayers, prayers. Ultimately, the steroids worked and Pudge came home Thursday night with three prescriptions and two very grateful humans and two very happy dogs. Her energy has increased and she is doing so much better. Yet, we have no idea why she got sick in the first place and what she had.

Through these two experiences, Jesus wanted to show me something. It isn’t based on my success or my failing. If Pudge had never been healed and we had had to let her go, which shatters my heart even now thinking about it, it wouldn’t be because of anything I did or didn’t do. It wouldn’t be because we weren’t praying enough or having enough faith or were being punished. Nope. It would be because that is the way life is. Sometimes God doesn’t answer prayers the way we want Him to. It is not our place to question Him, though He patiently helps us grieve, but rather it is our place to praise Him.

Could I have heard this had Pudge been taken from us? I don’t know. I think I’d eventually see it, but it would take some time. I pleaded with God not to take her. How would I have felt if He had?

How would I have felt if my refund wasn’t coming? How would I have reacted if these two events played out in completely different ways? I would have blamed myself, primarily, and I would have been miserable.

It isn’t my fault that some things go wrong in my life, just like the blessings that come to me are not because I’m the bees knees in life. Nope. The blessings are solely because my God is an amazing Father and He loves me. The losses and the refining moments and the pruning and such come for the same reason. Though it is difficult to see the sun shining behind the storm clouds, the sun is, in fact, still there and still shining. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the storms are about learning to dance in the rain.

Only the lonely

Today, I said, “I have been lonely almost all of my life,”

Friendship has never come easily to me. I don’t know why this is. I think I’m pretty cool and fun, personally. 🙂 Okay, those of you that read my blog know that I’m an interesting ball of wax, but I am also very critical of who I am and who I am not. So, yeah, fun I am, but I’m not a circus.

But, in elementary and junior high and even high school, I think I was pretty neat. Yet, I can recall times when I was not good enough for my “friends” and so I do not have any friends that carried through all the years to still be my friends today. Even those Christian friends have left me and moved on without me. I have spent most of my life lonely.

I have quashed the child-like heart that once beat within my chest and I am not the most approachable person anymore. I would rather sit in my room alone and not be bothered with socializing. Yet, the last few days I’ve been craving that godly fellowship that once was, the Bible reading and discussing, the praying and worshiping, and I thought, “I would love to start up a group that meets once a week.” It’s really hard to foster commitment, though.

So, will I do it? I don’t know. But the conversation with God today led to that statement that opened this blog. Will I ever not be lonely? Will I ever have friendships that truly last? I don’t know. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Unrest Alone Journeying

I keep trying to think about what it could be that I’m “feeling” at the moment. Is it unrest? Is it loneliness? Is it just plain self-pity? Is depression descending upon me again? What could it be?

The value of a person shouldn’t hinge on how many friends they have or how many people are in their lives, yet we see the value of friendship. Jesus had followers, He had disciples, and He had friends. Consider that. With social media today, we have followers and many can even get disciples, if they’re popular and persuasive enough, yet the term “friends” is used too flippantly to be of any use to us today.

According to Facebook, we all have friends. In fact, at the time I’m writing this, I have 306 friends. Yet, how many of them really know me and how many of them even care? Very few, I’d say. And that’s okay. I don’t blame them, truly. I am not allowing others to know me. That’s fine, too.

So, what is it that I’m feeling? I can’t really say. Shortly before I turned thirty, God was taking me places. It was beyond anything that I’d ever imagined. And, I was sharing this journey with other Christians and for the first time in my life, I felt as though I had friends, real honest-to-goodness friends, who would love me through my worst days and help me become all that God had called me to become. We were a small church and the group that I was intimate with was even smaller. I was even (finally) in the inner circle of the Pastor and his wife and was able to talk to her like I talk to others. Amazing days.

Those were ripped away and part of me was as well, the part that would once be considered “child-like” and open, the part that would invite you to know me, the raw me, the ugly me, the funny me, the engaging me, the me that could draw you in with passionate expression of truth, the me that loved and was learning to be loved in return. That part was torn out and placed in a box, a box that bled for a year before it was stomped on callously in bigoted hatred and sealed with a wall that I cannot tear down. Poetic, I know, but that is the only way I can describe it.

Jesus showed me recently that there is a wall, a wall I built to protect myself, a wall I slip behind when things get “real” and “close”. You don’t care, though, you see, because you don’t know me. You don’t have that connection with me to care. And that’s okay too.

I feel like I don’t fit. I feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong box. I feel like a pilgrim without a home, a traveler without a place to rest, a person that fills a seat and is never really seen. I feel like it doesn’t matter. I feel like I have lost myself. That’s how I feel.

I am no longer child-like. I no longer believe that I deserve to be loved and, feeling so, I believe that “love” is too much hard work to even seek out. I no longer believe that I am worth investing in, if I ever was at all. I have longed for friendship for far too long. I have longed to be mentored and led and believed in for far too long. It’s okay. It really is. I think that the process will eventually show me something in myself that God wanted to reveal to me. Time will tell.

For now, though, I just want to do what Christ said. I just want to stop holding on and let go and just be held. I want to return to that place of reckless love and trust, that place where I could go into His courts and sit at His feet and rest my head upon His knee and just hear Him speak. I want to return to the place where His love so overwhelmed me that I couldn’t speak of it without weeping and where I truly could have the “worst” day ever and still have joy. I want to return to being His shulamite and Him being my Beloved. I do.

I want to be with women that are eager and hungry to know Him, so much so that they can’t get enough worship, prayer, reading, and discussing. I want to be friends with Christians that are all in, sold out, and uncompromising, that can look past the ugly and choose to love me.

Did those friends ever really love me? I don’t know. I know that I had come to love them and so even now, six years later, I weep thinking of it. Because my heart died that day and I became a cynical, lost woman, who killed her dreams and locked herself away in order to be safe from ever feeling that pain again.

And I can’t let you past the wall.

The Sin of Convenience

Years ago, Holy Spirit revealed a truth to me that I had long ignored. Consider, if you will, how prevalent fornication is, even among professing Christians. Long ago, there was utter shame if one engaged in sex before marriage. There was even shame if they appeared to be doing immoral things together before marriage. Now, however, like gluttony and white lies, it is accepted and overlooked.

Purity isn’t preached or taught. Sex isn’t revealed as the glorious gift God gave to a man and woman in the bonds of marriage. Nope. We’re told that fornication is a sin and yet throw baby showers for children that are born out of wedlock. It isn’t the child’s curse to bear, yet it is the overlooking of the sinful acts of the parents that is troubling.

Why does this matter? I don’t know, truly, since it seems to be out of fashion for a Christian to care about or strive for purity in this day and age. All I can do, however, is think about a few verses, such as:

• Ephesians 5:3 states, “But there must be NO sexual sin among you, OR ANY KIND of evil or greed. Those things are not right for God’s holy people.” [emphasis mine], NCV
• 1 Corinthians 6:13, 18-20 tells us, “Food is for the stomach, and the stomach for food, but God will destroy them both. The body IS NOT for sexual sin but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body…So run away from sexual sin. Every other sin people do is OUTSIDE their bodies, but those who sin sexually SIN AGAINST THEIR OWN BODIES. You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit who is in you. You have received the Holy Spirit from God. So you do not belong to yourselves, because you were bought by God for a price. So HONOR GOD with your bodies.” [emphasis mine], NCV
• Mark 7:21-23 says, “All the evil things begin inside people, in the mind: evil thoughts, sexual sins, stealing, murder, adultery, greed, evil actions, lying, doing sinful things, jealousy, speaking evil of others, pride, and foolish living. All these evil things come from inside and make people unclean.” NCV
• 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 informs us that, “God wants you to be holy and to stay away from sexual sins. He wants each of you to LEARN TO CONTROL your own body in a way that is HOLY and HONORABLE.” [emphasis mine], NCV
• Hebrews 13:4 refers to marriage, which shows that even within the bounds of marriage there are dangers. These appear in the realm of adulteries and perversion of the marriage bed under “anything goes” logic, which includes inviting others to share the marriage bed. “Marriage should be honored by everyone, and husband and wife should keep their marriage PURE. God will judge as guilty those who take part in SEXUAL SINS.” [emphasis mine], NCV

These are just a handful of verses. Consider, too, the following:

• 1 Peter 1:16 – It is written in the Scriptures: “You must be holy, because I am holy.”
• James 4:17 – Anyone who knows the right thing to do, but does not do it, is sinning.
• Romans 6:12-14 – So, do not let sin control your life here on earth so that you do what your sinful self wants to do. Do not offer the parts of your body to serve sin, as things to be used in doing evil. Instead, offer yourselves to God as people who have died and now live. Offer the parts of your body to God to be used in doing good. Sin will not be your master, because you are not under law but under God’s grace.

Just looking at these things, a mere sampling, we can see why it should matter. It should matter if someone in the church, in ministry, is engaged in sexual sin. It should matter if a long-time single Christian is suddenly pregnant.

The sadness of the double-standard is amazing, too, when you consider that the men can engage and it not be known, unless they are openly shown to be fornicating, or they are dating the woman who becomes pregnant. The shame stigma, however, remains on the woman.

I, being female, cannot understand the things that men do/feel/experience/etc. I don’t pretend to know things outside of my sphere of influence. How many women in church have aborted a child and remained the “good church girl” in front of the world? What shame and pain does she carry all alone, because she can’t confess the sin for fear of judgment? I know that I’m not helping that stigma here, either, considering the start of the blog.

So, what, then is the answer? I don’t know. I’m not called to fix the church, though sometimes you feel like you really and truly want to and need to. But, I cannot. That is the role of Holy Spirit and Christ. But, I can surmise some things:

1. Purity matters. Until we grasp this and share it, not just at the pulpit, but throughout our actions, words, and examples of the lives we lead. Not even a HINT of immorality. Not even one single hint. Do we live that way? Nope. Not even myself, called to radical purity, a standard no one in the church will accept. A high calling from God that has made this isolated individual feel the sting and the burden even more. Yet, I stand for purity. I stand for it because it truly matters in the lives of believers and until we bring purity back into our lives, we will continue to see the church degrade, dirty itself, and compromise.
2. Mentorship matters. This goes back to the above point, too. Leading by example is key, yet we also need the relationships. Stronger Christians mentoring newer Christians, seeing their value and purpose, helping them find and use their talents and gifts for the glory of Christ, and giving them the power to set boundaries, create accountability, and live a life that is holy, as Christ is holy.
3. Content matters. What we pour in is what we get out. The acceptance of certain books, music, t.v. shows, movies, hobbies, etc., are setting the stage and whetting appetites that we can never think to control. Consider that we are never “strong enough” to dabble in sin. Never. The things that we left at the foot of the Cross on the day we were called to abandon them are not to be picked back up. Yet, we believe that as we grow in the Lord, this means that the things that were once triggers for us are safe to engage in again. Nope. You cannot assume that a trigger loses its power, because it doesn’t. It’s a trigger for a reason. The devil knows this and he waits for you to assume, in prideful arrogance, that you are at the place to engage in shows and acts and pass-times that once caused you to sin and stumble. Trust me when I say you will sin and stumble again.
4. Relationships matter. The mentor relationship is key (and sorely lacking today), but you need fun friends too, but ones that don’t hide the truth from you or condone your sin. You need strong, Christian friends to walk the path with you and you need to be that kind of friend to others. As iron sharpens iron…we are to be making each other stronger and we are to be making each person take account of their sin and remove the shame that comes with failing. Instead of beating the repentant person over the head when they fall, help them stand again and help them run that race and win the prize at the end.
5. Boundaries matter. Once you set the boundary, do not erase it or undo it. Prayerfully seek what boundaries you need to establish in your entertainment, socializing, and workplace. Trust me when I say that great danger comes in either not setting boundaries at all or removing boundaries you’ve placed.

There are some of the things that I think about, right now, as I was thinking about this prevalent sin in our churches. Consider that the devil uses two ways to get a person to fall into sexual sin and bondage:

1. Convenience and availability
2. Rejection and denial

With convenience and availability, you will see that there is always a person interested in you, always a person to date and be in a relationship with, that even upon breaking up, you are not long without another person. These are the people that are viewed as “needy” and “have to be in a relationship”, but it is so much more than that. It is a tactic of the enemy, granting the very thing that will make you compromise and settle. He builds that need in you, for each time you date and lose, you realize that you could find Mr. Right or Ms. Right in the next one…or the next one…or the next one. Maybe, for the first few tries, you maintained a level of purity. But, then, as the devil points out, that’s why they didn’t work out, because you were such a “tease”. So, in the next few, you surrender and let go. Those fail, too, but it must be for this reason or that reason, but look, here’s another and another and another…and soon you are dating far too many people over the course of your life and dealing with so much emotional and mental stress that could be avoided. However, it’s available and the enemy will keep it so. We are all susceptible to this kind of temptation.

Consider the internet and the availability to engage in sexual things online, through porn, chats, and literature. Consider that Hollywood seeks to create a nation of voyeurs, people peeping in windows and looking upon sexual acts, seeking it out, in fact, as in the case of 50 Shades of Grey, most recently. Consider that the devil will always make sexual sin available and free…at least on the surface. The cost, as it is with all sin, is high. Consider, too, that the Bible says that the cost of sexual sin is higher, because it is a sin against one’s own body (1 Corinthians 6:18).

Okay, Julie, thanks for beating the dead horse, but what about the other one? Rejection and denial. This is an insidious tool of the devil. Some of his tools are open and obvious, others not so much. With the sin of availability and convenience, well, that is pretty apparent, is it not? Yet, when one spends their life overlooked, constantly rejected, constantly ignored, where the only availability and convenience truly does lie online or through movies, and suddenly, after years of feeling ugly, worthless, foolish, stupid, fat, unwanted, etc., there comes the person with the right words and the right look and the right everything (Mr. or Ms. Right, you see?) and the stands that once mattered (and you wondered if they mattered and were possible BECAUSE you were not given the option) don’t matter so much anymore and you surrender it all to Mr. or Ms. Right Now. Will there be a parade of available people for you after this? Hard to say. It is all in the individual, you see, because your enemy knows. What would damage you more? Having the suddenly available sin of convenience and availability because the virginity was lost at last and you are unhindered in pursuit now, “liberated”? Well, then, here comes the parade of heartbreakers. However, if you are more damaged with the giving away the precious gift and having your heart trampled on and then returning to the cycle of rejection and being denied that parade of available partners, well, that is how he will proceed.

So, what do we do, then? Just wait for the devil to destroy us in this area? Nope. Consider the points mentioned above and set your boundaries and know why you are setting them. Is it because you HAVE to, or because you WANT to? How much do you truly value holiness and purity? Is it merely a mandate set by the church or is it something in your soul that cries out to be holy as Christ is holy? That will determine if you give into either trap of the enemy in the realm of sexual sin.

What else? Strong support is vital. Not just hanging out sipping coffee, but a worshiping, praying, encouraging, edifying, correcting, coffee sipping group of friends. Read your Bible. Pray. Praise. And trust that God has a plan and is in control and has not “lost” or forgotten you.

Also, consider that you may very well be single your entire life and be okay with this. I’m turning 36 in six days. I’m single. I’ve been single my entire life. I’ve gone on one date. That was my Freshman year of high school. I am okay with being single now and I am okay with being single forever, should that be God’s will. You have to learn to be that way, too. You’re not waiting for God to send you someone, you’re not keeping yourself pure for your spouse, those are added perks. You are doing it for you, for Christ, because your relationship with Him matters more than sexual pleasure in this world and the heartbreak that comes with not waiting.

If you’ve read this far, I believe you care. You truly want to be pure. That is amazingly uplifting to me. I sincerely hope that you would email me at purity.Gods.way@gmail.com if you’d like to.

I leave you with this simple statement: You are far more valuable than this world desires to purchase you for, than the enemy seeks to sell you for, because Christ has called you by name and has made you His and has placed His seal upon you.

If you’re popular or truly valuable you’ll never understand this

One reaches beyond themselves in an attempt to be seen, yet they remain invisible. No matter what happens, they cannot be seen. They know they exist, they know they are real, but they are invisible. So, they reach and withdraw and reach and withdraw and they try to convince themselves that they truly matter in this world, that they truly belong and matter somewhere to someone, that they won’t always be invisible, yet they remain rejected and singular.

If you’re popular or truly of value, you have no idea. In fact, you’ll consider those that feel this way to be crybabies and whiners. It’s because you cannot fathom the feelings of truly not being worth the time of others. No investment worth being made. No friendship worth being pursued. The afterthought of the invite…if the thought even comes. Just as those in this place cannot fully fathom what it feels like to be truly missed or truly sought after or truly belonging and growing and being mentored and poured into and helped and encouraged through the life you live.

I think about this because people who write, as I do, have to really be liked for someone to invest in their art. It isn’t something you can lightly peruse, you realize. If you’ve actually made it this far into this blog, I thank you. Thank you for investing.

Consider, however, those that cannot see an art or value in anything they do, cannot see any gifts or talents in the realm of creativity, cannot overcome that feeling that they are a vapid waste of space on this planet earth.

Yet, knowing, as most should if they claim to be followers of Christ, that everyone has value, purpose, and a distinct call, you would think that the investment would be there for all. But, you would be wrong. Not everyone can hang out with the worship team or the pastor or the youth leader or those that are in the forefront of the church. Not everyone can fit into the mold of awesomeness that is sought within the church walls.

So they reach out, jump up and down, and scream, “I’m here! I’m here!” while the enemy says, “No one cares,” and, because we fail to see them, to invest in them, to show them Christ in the realm of true value, friendship, and love, they believe the enemy, because actions show them that they are, truly, invisible, no matter what monthly sentence is posted on their Facebook page or what superficial discussion is had in the foyer.

Mr. Cellophane

 

 

 

Can’t I just…

I think that being broken takes its toll slowly. The initial breakage is instant and painful, yet we sometimes can’t understand that feeling, that deep level of pain, and so we retreat into anger. At least, that’s what I do.

I am wondering about things, about brokenness and blame and shame and fear. I am wondering because God showed me that I prefer to retreat behind walls, rather than connect. I hide behind a wall that I built so high and so securely, that only God can tear it down. But, even then, I’m not letting Him.

I will frankly say here, rather than in a vague Facebook post, that I don’t like myself. I just don’t. It is something that I have accepted, in truth. I am not my favorite person in the world. Consider, then, that Jesus calls us to love others as we love ourselves. Well, I won’t physically harm myself and I won’t use hateful words as much as I used to when speaking to myself, but do I love myself? Nope. So, is it any wonder that I don’t want to spend time with other people, that sitting in this class that I’m in is about to break my skull in half because I feel like a silent rock in the middle of a swirling river, just there, just blocking the flow, but not contributing in a helpful way?

I thought, “What can I do? I feel like my soul is wounded again. I feel broken again.” But was I ever really never broken?

There was a moment last week, fleeting and short and, even though I’ve felt things in the realm of healing before, this was a picture, a glimpse, of being complete and I couldn’t hold onto it. I wrote about it (it will be at the end of this blog), and for that I’m glad, because right now, there is no residual feelings to remark upon. All that remains is the distant knowledge that for a couple of seconds, I felt good and I actually felt liked by myself.

And the strangeness of it all is that I know that I know that I know that there are many out there that feel this same way and cannot understand why they don’t like themselves, why they can feel alone in a crowd of people, feel truly unloved and unwelcome and isolated in the middle of family and friends, and they believe that there must be something wrong with them, making them dislike themselves on an even greater scale and, ultimately, wounding their very soul.

But, I don’t have the words to help them…or myself.

I think constantly of the P!NK song, “Don’t Let Me Get Me”. I think of it because it is bad when you annoy yourself, when you realize that you are, in fact, your own worst enemy, and when you don’t even want to be your own friend anymore…you just want to be somebody else. You want to be the family that doesn’t think about you, except once in a blue moon, or the friends that walked away from you, or the people that just outright disregarded you as a viable option for any form of communication, interaction, or relationship. You wish you could just leave yourself behind and not even have to worry about ever meeting yourself ever again.

But, you are trapped with you. Wherever you go, there you are, with all your quirks, hang-ups, annoyances, and failings. You’re there and nothing will change that. I asked God what I could do, what I could read or meditate on, and it isn’t even a matter of not knowing or not seeing that I am made in His image or that I am very much loved and treasured by Him, because the issue isn’t what He thinks about me, it’s what I think about me.

I think that is why I can continue living despite not liking myself. It is because I know that He is who He says He is and He loves me and He isn’t done with me. So, even though I don’t like me, someone does and someone loves me more than I could ever understand, more than any mortal could, and more than I could ever love myself or anyone else, for that matter. Knowing that, despite feeling like the world could forget me in a day, and I would gladly forget myself, I am loved and treasured and valued, that alone helps me alive today.

I think this is something that I try to ignore and my current job allows me to do so. I sit alone most of the day, and I interact with no one unless there is a stirring of the pot and I have to attend a meeting or something, but otherwise, it’s just me. When I am then tossed into a group setting, where I am now, I find that I don’t like the me that is sitting in this room, I don’t like the me that is failing to interact with others at a basic human level, I don’t like the me that almost started to cry when lunch began, having to stay in because I’ve made unwise financial choices, have dug a deep hole, and am attending this conference on a wing and a prayer.

Yes, I don’t like me. I just don’t. And it has been this way for countless years, for as long as I can remember, when I finally discovered that it is possible to not like myself in the very littlest bit. I wondered today why I wasn’t doing what God has called me to do. I wanted to blame the wounds I received from PH, but the call wasn’t refined until long after that. So, why am I still hiding behind this wall, refusing to move, refusing to be healed, refusing the freedom He offers me?

I don’t know. I just know that sitting here today is a broken woman who doesn’t like herself and by her side is a Savior that loves her more than she can ever understand. And that will have to be enough for now.

BLOG FROM 11/24/2015:

I had a moment today, and this is poignant, where I suddenly thought, “I’m such a catch. Any single man of God would be blessed to have me for their wife.” I kind of stumbled about in my mind for a moment and, even though I tried, I couldn’t hold that feeling. It’s gone now.

I have to say that this is the first time that I’ve actually felt that way. At least, as far as I can remember. I was listening to For King And Country and had played their song No Turning Back for the second time in a row when that thought occurred to me. Jamming out to it, saying things like, “falling head over heels into love, leaving the doubt in the dust, turning the me into us…” probably had something to do with it. I paraphrased there, I’m sure you could tell.

Why is it that it is so hard to like oneself? There is a difference between arrogance and pride, to be sure, but simply liking yourself, acknowledging that there are things in you that someone would actually value, someone besides God, of course. Why is it so hard to feel like you can never be worthy of love?

Consider that I watched Love The Coopers last week. The movie is a good film about family and forgiveness and connection and failing to live up to the ideal, a great film about loss and marriage and remembering why you fell in love in the first place. At one point, Eleanor (Olivia Wilde) tells Joe (Jake Lacy) that she basically feels unworthy of love. Tears sprang to my eyes. How I identified with that woman at that moment, a woman that I have absolutely nothing in common with, whose life is so far departed from my own, the same woman that I was annoyed with up until that point. When she said that, her pain and her actions made so much more sense.

And now, my mind has already flipped. Rather than focus on the painful part that is Julie and her brokenness, her fear of love and marriage and all that comes with it, I focus on others and think, “So, even when I feel that I can’t understand why someone is doing what they’re doing, I must remember that the pain in others is so deep, so hidden, that it cannot be found by superficial approaches and cursory glances.” I think that the same can be said for the beauty within those people who annoy or anger us. A reason to be patient. A reason to seek, to invest, to know…if only to find the treasures deep within…and, one day, to reach that pain-filled center and bring a healing touch.

One day, I hope to feel that confidence again, that feeling that overrides the fear and loathing of who I see myself to be, in truth, a woman so broken, damaged, and dark that she isn’t worthy of love, that she isn’t worthy of a godly man to call her husband, because why subject them to the shattered soul within? But, someday, I believe that I will feel that I am worthy of being loved and I will be able to hold onto that feeling and keep it in my breast for longer than three heartbeats.

Because the startling truth is that in that moment today, I truly believed it and I truly felt a moment of freedom in my soul that I haven’t felt in a very long time.