My mind is in a dark place. It happens every so often. I try to ignore it and move forward, however, in the solitude, as my mind focuses on that isolation, it is difficult to make the truth into a lie.
I understand that I have the curse of a rejection spirit on my life. The irony of things is that I can search for help as to how to overcome it, and the help is vapid. I mean, powerless. I don’t know. I’ll list countless words and then still not have an accurate way to express how useless the “help” is.
I advocate, of course, counseling and therapy, however, it wouldn’t help me. And the lack of resources here in China just makes me feel even worse, even more alone. And yet, inspite of all of this, I really am glad that I plucked up my roots and moved to China. Stretching. Growth. Awareness. All the things I needed.
I came to China with a dream that Disney feeds. I guess that this should be expected. I mean, nothing we see online is 100% truth. I should have known that while many may experience those friendships that are like family, that isn’t the way those of us who are expendable go. We find ourselves where I am right now: still alone.
One of the biggest, longest, deepest dreams in my life is to matter. I don’t need five hundred friends or even five close friends. I need a best friend. Just one best friend. I don’t feel like that is too much to ask for. Yet, the friends that should last forever, even those that I still consider friends of mine, are just not in my life anymore. Even with the boldest of joy and excitement in the course of journeys, I have never mattered enough to anyone outside of family to be held onto. It is painful, to say the least.
What brings about this blog, you may wonder? I just cannot find relevance in this world. I know I shouldn’t care. I know that God has told me to stop seeking acceptance and approval here. I know so many different things. However, is it too much to ask for one close friend, one best friend? One that can see me at my absolute worst and still love me? I am not, by any means, saying to excuse dark things or sins that would destroy me or them. I’m am not speaking about enabling me to do things that are not for the benefit of myself or those I love and interact with. Just someone that can see me angry, broken, shamed, shattered, traumatized, lost, and still be my friend.
My life is lonely and I sit here knowing that it is just going to be that way forever. Inconsequential. Replaceable. Nothing.
In July 2019, my grandmother died in America. In China, no one could be bothered to even offer to be with me, to stay with me. Nope. Just going about their lives. My grief nothing more than text messages randomly while they were out doing things. My grandfather passed away Friday in America. And here I sit…alone again…even though others knew…but I’m never important enough to change their plans in order to be inconvenienced for the sake of another…if that other person is me.
I know what a lot of you are thinking. Wow. She sure can play the victim. Realize, however, that I have lived a life a social isolation and abandonment. I am now 40 years old…weeks away from turning 41…and lets not talk about how my birthday also means nothing to those outside of my family…and try, just for a minute, to consider what it would feel like to never matter to people beyond cursory relationships.
While I have posted emotional blogs before, this is the rawest I’ve been regarding the rejection spirit that not only makes me feel rejected, but also leads to rejection. Cut off. Cut out.
It is okay. I will get through this. I always have. One reason is that I have my mom. If I didn’t have my mom, I would have absolutely no one. Even though I know that my family loves me, don’t forsake the truth there, I am still a cursory soul in that unit. It’s true. Don’t worry. I’ve accepted it. You can, too.
I also have Jesus Christ, Whom allows me to exist as I am, encouraging growth and change, yet never leaving, abandoning, or hating me. While I acknowledge that humans (myself included) are broken and flawed, I can love and remain strong through the flaws of others, however, they cannot do so for me.
No lifelong sister friendships from my Christian life. No lifelong sister friendships from my time at Disney. No lifelong sister friendships from high school or any other time. And I have to be okay with it.
What brought this on? I’ve asked this already and now I will answer. Last night, I went out with coworkers and I wasn’t necessary there. I could have stayed home. I should have stayed home. Everyone gets to share and be asked things, but not me. Can I tell you that they actually turned the conversation to most embarrassing sexual encounters and most risky sexual encounters knowing that I am not a person who talks about those things and am, in fact, remaining pure until marriage? Yet, the conversation went on for 30 or so minutes about sex, all of them laughing and talking and one-upping each other, and all I could think was how much I hate how people are so casual about something that God designed for a husband and wife, how proud they are in their perversion, and how they could care less if someone is uncomfortable during the conversation.
Unwelcome. Uneccessary. Me.
Before you think that I am a judgmental prude (I very well could be since I actually believe what the Bible teaches), consider how you would feel if someone started talking about something that makes you uncomfortable. Imagine a group of people, who know your grandfather has passed away, who know you’re grieving and struggling with things, who know you don’t talk about this thing, whatever it may be, just going to town laughing and talking and ignoring your obvious discomfort in the moment and then, after they’ve had their fun, having one say they’re “sorry” that it took that direction.
Sorry?
Sorry!
I am a broken and worthless human being. I am of no value to this world. There are a select few that my life actually lastingly affects and matters to. I lean on the love of my mom and Jesus Christ to get me through these dark times. I am, however, brutally honest about how little I matter.
And that’s all I can be right now.
Hephzibah 