There is something about seeing oneself through ones own eyes that mar what is truly to be seen. It is through the critical eyes that one sees ones flaws and through the blind eyes that one fails to see ones sins. It is through the eyes of a critic that I viewed myself yesterday and this led to the blog of last night.
The lies of the world enfold me if I let them. I feel unworthy and lost and unavailable. I sit there and desire to date some random man just to feel wanted and beautiful. Then, of course, logic takes hold of me and I see that dating a man would not solve anything. In fact, dating a man would only bring about pain and problems. I would not be satisfied, by any stretch of the imagination, in the arms of a worldly man. I would not even be able to be in his arms, truth be told, for my desire is to remain pure. I have no intention of dating as the world sees it, sacrificing my morals to feel wanted, turning away from the promises of God just for daily gratification, which, of course, rarely ever amounts to much.
I’m not, by any means, here to berate or belittle others. I have a very strong morality that was given to me by God, not by anything I’ve done or haven’t done. Even with this morality, I have skeletons in my closet and so am not looking down on anyone. I am here to state what was going through my mind these last few weeks.
It seems to me that the enemy of my soul tries desperately to make me feel worthless and when I’m seeing through my eyes only I am inclined to agree with him. However, my worth is not dictated by men, the world at large or my enemy. My worth is found in the loving gaze of the Lover of my soul and the Giver of life. How is it that I could allow myself to get to a place where nothing matters but what the world thinks, or doesn’t think, of me? How is it that I could allow my worth and beauty to be placed in the hands of worldly men?
I read through my blogs last night after writing my diatribe and I realized that I was focusing on the wrong thing. I was focusing on the lack of a loving man in my life and not focusing on the passionately adoring Man in my life. He is always by my side and watches over me. I once said that I wanted a man that would catch me whenever I stumbled and He told me that He would be that Man for me. It may sound strange but He has caught me and prevented me from falling numerous times.
He is my Lover and my Friend, my Covering and my Shield, my Beauty and my Strength. He is all that I could ever desire and He longs to be my Everything. I want Him to be my Everything, I want nothing to come between us, nothing to hinder our relationship, nothing to distract me. And, I want to give Him everything, so that nothing in this world matters to me. I want to be able to lay things down without a second thought, to fall on my face and worship Him without fear of what others would think, I want to know Him more and more so that I can understand why things happen or don’t happen, I want to fall deeper in love with Him and can only do so as I spend time with Him. As I placed in one of my earlier blogs, He is the perfect Lover, who could ask for anything more?
If and when the time comes for God to bring the man he has for me into my life at last, I know it will all be for His glory and that it will be better than I imagine it and that it will be as He promised it would be. Because He knows me, inside and out, knit me together in my mother’s womb, knows my doubts, fears, sins and failures and still calls me Beloved, still desires me, still seeks me, still spends time with me, still covers and blesses me. I am His and He is mine, this wonderful Lover whose words are kisses to me, whose kisses are words.
I will seek my satisfaction in Him and stop the compromising that I have allowed. I will allow Him to romance me as He desires to and I will see my beauty and worth through the eyes of the One that paid the ultimate price to ransom me from the slave block of degradation and shame and bondage. How wonderful He is! My soul sings in joy and delight to be His!
Hephzibah 