I guess I’m used to it

I have begun to understand the truth of the situation of my life. Firstly, which was not going to be included here, but as I am walking through the Valley of No, I have found that I am spoiled. I’m not spoiled rotten, you see, but I have a good, good Father God and He spoils His princess very much. He tells me no, of course, in order to keep me from rotting. However, I am in a place where no is all I am hearing and I have to say that I don’t like it very much. Daddy, my bags are packed. Can we go now?

Additionally, and the reason I started typing this blog in the first place, I cannot find a field placement. I am weeks away from having to be established in my place of practicum for my Senior year and all I’m getting is silence. No one has told me no. No one has told me anything. Why? Because this is Santa Fe and it is rare indeed to find faithful people in the response department. We’re talking 16 hours a week of free social work and no one will call me back? Madness.

But, I am in the valley, so, well, it’s expected, I guess. Or , it should be. But I’m used to yes! Not constant yes, but when it matters yes. You know? Maybe you don’t. Maybe you aren’t one of those people that pay attention to God’s moving in your life. I am, though, because He is my source of all things good, even correction, and so I’m here, defeated and tired and just plain frustrated.

And I’m at the edge. I’m standing at the edge looking down. I’ve realized that I have lived most of my life this way. Blame it on childhood trauma. Blame in on procrastination. Blame it on just plain old being unaware of the danger until you face it. Whatever. I’m here and every once in a while, I move closer to the edge and the wind drags me near the point of falling before I lean back into safety.

But I never leave the edge.

Lately, God has been showing me about fire doors and their value in our personal lives. Fire doors, you see, are made specifically to slow the spread of a fire in order to give people time to evacuate safely. The issue, you see, is that my work doesn’t care and the doors are constantly left propped open…despite a note on there in bold and brilliant type that says: Fire Door Must Remain Closed.

See, a fire door doesn’t work at all if it is left open. At all. It does nothing but give the fire access to a hallway that would have been prevented or delayed had the fire door been closed in order to do what it is purposed to do. Fire doors are made of different materials than regular doors, you see. They are specifically designed to do something and that something is save as many lives and as much property as they possibly can.

So, by all means, leave the doors propped open because it’s too much of a burden to open the door as you walk down the hall.

I’m ranting. That wasn’t my intent. My intent was to admit that I have finally realized that I never leave the edge. I just stand there and hope that I’m able to lean away from it every single time I am dangerously near it. It’s exhausting, to be sure, but it’s also the way I’ve lived my life as far as I can remember.

What happens when I’m being pulled by the wind and I’m dangerously close to falling? Well, I begin to hate myself again. I’m not talking about the random moments of shame or guilt that come that make us really dislike our darker, worldly selves. Nope. I’m talking about the straight up hatred of me as a person. My looks. My personality. My gifts. My failings. Everything. I just hate myself. And, while I don’t harm myself in these moments and I don’t think suicidal thoughts, I also don’t handle negative comments very well. It’s easier to beat my head against the window, say, than to listen to one more backhanded compliment or obviously negative comment about the horrid waste of space I am.

This is mostly considered depression, I realize as I write this. Self-loathing is a dark thing, especially since we keep it hidden and no one knows. Hey, here you are world, if you’ve read this far, you now know the cold truth I carry deep inside.

Another thing that happens is that I become a great deal more aware of the lack of things in my life. I can focus on the fact that I lack self-control in the area of finances and it, well, sucks. I wish as a writer I could find a better word, but hey, since we’re on the subject, when was the last time I wrote something amazingly great? Years, my friends. Years. And, what about Bible studies? Yeah. Vacant halls and walls.

Despite all the things going on in my life, I feel like a failure. A constant failure. I’m graduating with an Associate of Arts degree in May and yet I’m disappointed that my honorary Phi Alpha nominee was never received and never even considered and no one cares but me. No one. My job is a vapid waste of time and life. Who am I helping? What benefit am I bringing to the lives of others? Waste, waste, waste.

So, these thoughts and many others are what happen when the wind is pulling against me and if I don’t lean back quickly enough, I’m overwhelmed. I find that I stare at things bleakly and I feel like it is just so crazy worthless and that I’m going to die. Every night, as I lay down to sleep, I just know that God is coming to take me home. Why wouldn’t He? I’m on the edge, aren’t I? I’m not doing my best. Not at all.

See, and that is the thing that I find myself saying, here on the ledge, every single day, wind pulling at my soul or not. I have to be a better person. I’m sorry I’m not a better Christian. I want to be a better person. And then I go out and do the same stupid things I did the day before. And I’m not talking about these huge rebellious things. I’m talking about spending money I don’t have. I’m talking about not being a hundred percent focused on my work. I’m talking about the self-loathing, because let’s face it, as a Christian, we cannot hate ourselves.

Now, we can hate the sin within us, but to hate who we are as a person, our character and our personality and our looks, well, that’s insulting our Creator in so many ways. So, I don’t like myself as a person which just adds to the self-loathing, and there you are.

I don’t even know what the point is of this blog. I just feel so tired and drained and amazingly worthless and just abundantly emotional and it sucks. It is aggravating because when you try to talk to people, they are dismissive.

Have you ever noticed that? You tell them things and they just kind of shrug and give you a pat on the shoulder and expect that to work. That is called sympathy. I don’t need sympathy, folks. A vacation to the Bahamas, yes, but sympathy, no. It is rare indeed to find someone that sits and listens and doesn’t say, “Well, did you read the textbook? The textbook tells you what to do,” when you say you can’t understand a Math problem. Yeah, dude, I read the darn textbook and guess what? I’m still crying and I still can’t solve the stinking equation!

So, the Bible has the answers and so does God and there are no better alternatives. I am not saying that this isn’t true. I just want you to listen and not shrug your shoulders like my feelings are just stupid and don’t matter. Because they do. Sometimes, you know, they just matter and need to be seen as mattering.

I get this. In fact, I live this most of the time, listening and being there and not placating the person, but actually seeking to help them process and understand what they’re going through. Heck, that’s why I’m seeking a degree in the realm of helping people. Why doesn’t anyone want to help me?

Well, it is rare that I share, you see. This is the most raw blog I’ve ever written. I censor myself, even here. Best foot forward at all times. Must appear strong and in control. Must not show just how raw and torn and weak and upset I am. I have to keep it all together so that I can help others. I can’t have anyone focusing on helping me, you see. There is too much going on in the world, too many people that need strong people like me to help them.

Maybe I’ll start an annual Social Workers conference where they can just come and be needy and be helped and exercise a weekend of self-care and not having to be strong all the time. Of course, I’d be running the thing, so I’d still have to be strong.

The person closest to me is my mom and I can’t even share any of this with her. She gets angry, you see. Well, maybe angry isn’t the right word here. Irritated? Frustrated? Yes, frustrated that her daughter has suddenly become this needy and crying person overwhelmed by negativity and stung by rejection, truly feeling those moments of single life and thinking what man could love a broken and angry person like her? So, in those rare moments when the tears fall in front of her or the frustration is vented, she gets irritated. I get it. So, I spend my life irritated, too, and frustrated and so I am quick to snap and constantly do so.

I want to be happy. So, I started to ask God why I was so miserable and unhappy. Maybe that’s why He is walking me through the Valley of No right now. Maybe that’s why He’s showing me the edge and just how raw I am inside, just how sensitive I am to anything that touches those raw wounds in my heart and life. My bags are still packed, God. Ready whenever you are.

When did happiness become such an elusive thing? I don’t know. You know, I’m graduating May 13^th with a degree I didn’t even expect and I should be off the walls excited. Yet, I’m sitting here and thinking who I should and shouldn’t invite and why (it’s a 3 hour drive and there are other graduations that day) and I’m thinking of how my mom will respond to things and I’m wondering if I will make it across the stage with a smile or a scowl. What will the pictures look like? I hate myself, you see. Ugh, so ugly.

Yeah. Raw, folks. Raw. I’d rather you didn’t read this, truthfully. But, if you did, maybe you’re feeling the same way I am. Or, maybe you like to read about other’s pain. We all have those evil moments in us to read about the breaking of a strong person. Good for them, those strong individuals, those favored people. It’s about time they were broken.

I’ve always been broken.

All right, this blog is over 2,000 words now and I think that I could go on for thousands more, so I won’t. I don’t have anything to offer you if you’re in the same boat as me, except for this:

I will pray for you, if you let me know that you want me to. I will listen to you, if you need someone to do so. Because, in truth, I can’t avoid the desire, deep inside me, to be there for others in the way that no one, except Christ and paid professionals, are there for me.

So, if you want to have someone listen, if you want me to pray, send me an e-mail.

Purity.Gods.way@gmail.com

Have an amazingly blessed day, all. Thank you for reading through my angst, judgingly or not. 😊

‘Tis The Season

We know that there are seasons in our lives. Mainly, we do not think of them beyond Spring, Summer, Winter, and Fall. Yet, now, I feel that we have arrived at the season of grieving.

Ecclesiastes 3 says: There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,

A right time to kill and another to heal,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain,

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,

A right time to shut up and another to speak up,

A right time to love and another to hate,

A right time to wage war and another to make peace. (verses 1-8, MSG)

I find that there is a definite heaviness to all that is happening in our world right now. The massacre in Orlando, the shooting death of a family in New Mexico by the father, the shooting death of The Voice singer, the death of the 2 year old…and the politics that are swarming in and callously pushing their agendas. Where is the compassion and the empathy? The thing is that no one even pretends to care anymore.

Social media has placed us in a place of cold distance, a place to be a bully and to be abusive, to call names and to gossip. I am ashamed to admit that it still hurts me deeply that a family member called me a bigot. I can be a strong force for what I believe, yet the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse is not needed. I never said you have to agree with me. It would be great to feel loved, though.

We see an amazing outreach online, as well. Times of compassion and genuine love. I think that is the only reason that the internet and social media can still be as popular as it is. The Bible tells us that a soul can survive when a body is sick, but no body can survive a broken soul. That is so true.

I have wept a great deal of late. I have thought about the loss experienced by so many, the fear that takes hold of hearts and minds, the trauma that comes in the aftermath, the healing, the struggle…yet, life. Seasons. Why are we in a season of grieving?

Truly, America and most churches have left the Word of God and have begun to do whatever feels good in the moment. While we’ve allowed sin to prosper and grow without concern, we are seeing two extremes: the love and accept everything mantra and the hate-filled and anti-Christ screaming. In between, however, are the ones that are trying, trying so desperately, to live love and speak truth.

Our hearts are heavy, our minds are plagued, our souls are wounded, and the world continues to spiral into ungodliness. We actually expect this because God’s Word tells us this is the way it must go as we draw nearer and nearer to the return of Christ.

But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I’ve had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he’s left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he’s coming or going. I’ve decided that there’s nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That’s it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It’s God’s gift. (Ecclesiastes 3:9-13, MSG)

Solomon reached a place where he despaired of life. Why? Because he had it all! He was wise and wealthy beyond measure. He was feared and adored. He was king and he had royalty from other lands coming to him for guidance and bringing gifts to him. He built the Temple of the Lord. He had many wives and hundreds of concubines. He had peace and victory. Yet, his soul was in turmoil. Why? Because he wasn’t focused on God anymore. He had turned his attention to the temporal pleasures of this world and the above portion of Scripture shows the depth of despair that filled his heart.

This world is seductive and the devil wants nothing more than for us to live in the dredges of morality so that we are bound by shame and sin and temptation. 2 Timothy 3:1-9 says, “Don’t be naive. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck-up, profane, contemptuous of parents, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, savage, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They’ll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they’re animals. Stay clear of these people. These are the kind of people who smooth-talk themselves into the homes of unstable and needy women and take advantage of them; women who, depressed by their sinfulness, take up with every new religious fad that calls itself “truth.” They get exploited every time and never really learn. These men are like those old Egyptian frauds Jannes and Jambres, who challenged Moses. They were rejects from the faith, twisted in their thinking, defying truth itself. But nothing will come of these latest impostors. Everyone will see through them, just as people saw through that Egyptian hoax.” (MSG)

Essentially, and more powerfully, we are living in a world that is “holding to a form of [outward] godliness (religion), although they have denied its power [for their conduct nullifies their claim of faith].” (AMP, verse 5) This is what we’re seeing lived out this very day. And it’s getting worse.

Matt Walsh wrote a blog that encouraged Christians to stand. Even in the midst of all that goes on, we need to stand. We don’t need to stand the way that Westboro Baptist Church chooses to stand, by attacking anyone and everyone, but rather we need to stand as Christ stood, declaring God’s truth, living with joy, and being obedient to the Word of God. We need to stand for what we believe and live for what we believe.

It is far easier to just shrug our shoulders and go with the flow. Even dead fish flow downstream. People may wonder why it matters so much, and the reason is simple and sound: eternity. It matters because it isn’t just the here and now…it’s forever. It’s eternal. There is much more at stake than feelings and temptations. We are talking about the soul that lives on forever…either in the presence of God or eternally separated from Him.

Consider that we have never, ever experienced a day without feeling the presence of God. He is everywhere. He is all around us. He is in us and flows through us. There has never been a day when He has abandoned us. We have no concept of the torture we would face on the other side of this life, when we are truly separated from God and His presence since we rejected His one and only Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus felt this separation for us on the Cross, when He cried out, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” In that moment, He felt the true separation from God because in that moment, He took our sin and penalty upon Himself. All at once, He felt the separation that sin creates between unholy people and a holy God. Even with this, I don’t believe that He experienced the ultimate separation that those who die in their sins ultimately feel.

God is calling us to turn from our wicked ways and repent. We cannot expect the nation to do so. The sign of the times are glaringly obvious. Yet, we must do so as the Bride of Christ, as the church, as followers of Christ. We must set aside our approved of sins and align our lives under God, bringing our flesh under control, and presenting our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and acceptable to Him (Romans 12).

“I’ve also concluded that whatever God does, that’s the way it’s going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God’s done it and that’s it. That’s so we’ll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.Whatever was, is. Whatever will be, is. That’s how it always is with God.” (Ecclesiastes 3:14-15, MSG)

May 4, 2016

Hear the audio of this post here: RPGW: 2 Chronicles 7:14

However, if My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves, pray, search for Me, and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear [their prayer] from heaven, forgive their sins, and heal their country.
-2 Chronicles 7:14, God’s Word Translation

Last night, Senator Ted Cruz suspended his run to be the Republican Nominee for the POTUS race of 2016. To see such dark days ahead for America is the first call to Christians to awaken, yet who will heed it? We can see that the days are drawing near when Christ will return for His Bride, a pure Bride, mind you, and the church of America has fallen very much into the darkness of prostitution and impurity.

Let’s look first, though, at this verse, before we journey too far into the realm that will irritate, annoy, and anger pacifist Christians. The verse above speaks of steps, requirements if you will, for God to come back into America and heal the country that was founded on religious freedom and firm, foundational belief and reliance on God.

First, who is this verse addressing? Who, exactly, are God’s people? Well, “people” in this realm refers to a tribe (Israel). Figuratively, it’s a flock, troops, attendants, or nation. So, anyone that insists that they are Christians, whether they live it out daily or not, would be figured into this, because Christians are called by the name of God, called to live out a holy and pure and righteous life as Christ has lived such a life (ref. 1 Peter 1:16). So, while reading to this, if you call yourself a believer, a Christian, a follower of Christ, then you are the one this verse is speaking to.

Next, what does He mean when referencing “called”? In this day and age, many professing Christians do not recognize His voice. In fact, many insist that He doesn’t speak and will mock those that believe He does. Others will warp the words of the Lord and insist that the voice of the enemy is the voice of the Lord, despite the contrary nature of the permissions granted. But, I digress. This is expressly saying that these people, this tribe/nation, has been called out and properly addressed by name. The individual person matters to Christ. He sees you. He knows you. He loves you. And He calls you out, by name, and tells you the words of this verse, tells you what you must do to bring Him back to America, back to bless and anoint and protect America. But, will you do it?

Next, the name of God, His name, which He has so very many, because He is so very multi-faceted, so very powerful and amazing. To be called by His name, we see a mark of individuality, honor, authority, character. We know that God, as shown in the Old Testament, could turn a nation that once stood against Him, around to be for Him, merely by His fame and renown. We see today, however, the dark mark that Christians have in this world, some of it due to the hatred of Christ, but, let’s face of it, most of it isn’t because the world hates Christ, but rather because of the sinful compromises and dark evils that Christianity has permitted and allowed. The leaven has increased, as it is wont to do, and it has permeated the entire Christian life, where one must now decide if they identify as a Christian or as a follower, a true disciple, of Christ, because there is a difference…and it is a very distinct one. Being called by God’s name is something so powerful and awe-inspiring that it should be treated with reverence and honor, yet it is not in the America churches, and that is why this verse is so valid to us and must be heeded.

Let’s take a look now at the commands of this verse:

Humble themselves
Pray
Search for God
Turn from their evil ways

Humble themselves…that’s a big one. Why? Because Americans and Christians are infested with pride. It is writhing and squirming and twisting inside us all. This is apparent in the massive amounts of abortions that are committed daily, in the fact that Christians not only support the right to choose, which is a lie in and of itself, but also will grant this prideful falsehood upon themselves, as well. Pride, thinking that we can tell God that the life He placed within someone is not His, that it is the woman’s, and that she can choose to kill that life without remorse. Pride. It is apparent in the rages that flood the streets of America and wash the asphalt in the blood of strangers and loved ones. We are blessed at this point in time to not live in a war-torn country, yet from within, prideful anarchy is killing us in dark and twisted ways. The arrogance of men and women to believe that they can determine the outcome of another’s life through violence. Pride. It is evident in the abuse and neglect of others under the dark guise of equality and tolerance. We can see the safety of others offended and violated in the urgency to condone and approve sin. Pride, believing that we know better than the very God who created us. Pride. So, how does one humble themselves when they are wracked with pride? To be humble means to bend the knee, to bring low into subjection, and subdue. To subdue self and allow God to have His way again, to have His word heeded and His voice recognized, to vanquish the flesh and stop indulging the prideful immorality that is permitted within the church and without, to take the rebellious self and subject it to the truth that is the Bible, the very mandates of the one true and holy God, before we are brought to our knees by the very pride that tightens its noose with every passing day. To be humble before God is nothing fearful or dark, for He is not abusive as us Christians can be when one comes to us humbly. No. Not by any means would God brow-beat or destroy those humbled before Him. Consider Pharaoh, who refused to be humbled, and thus was broken. Consider the New Testament, where the cornerstone (Christ) will never disappoint those who believe in Him, yet will be a stone of stumbling and a rock of offense for others (ref. Romans 9:33; 1 Peter 2:4-8; Acts 4:10-12; Ephesians 2:20-22). So, Christian, answer this question: are you willing to humble yourself before Christ, to admit that you’ve allowed pride to win and run your life, that you’ve excused sinful actions and choices in your life and the lives of your friends and family, in order to live life your way, not God’s way? Humble yourselves.
Prayer. This is horribly forsaken, limited to bed time, morning rushes, and meals. I am extremely guilty of this, I’ll admit. Setting aside time to truly pray and talk with God daily is vital and is seriously lacking. Here, we see that we are called to officially or mentally judge, that’s right, JUDGE, ourselves and what is our current climate, not others, but the very direction and voice and trajectory of America and the church we attend. This doesn’t mean that you look at others and judge them. Don’t let pride run your actions here. This kind of judgment is taking the holy word of God and determining if you and the nation and the church are following God’s word and living a life of humility, righteousness, and holiness before Him. If not, changes must be made, but they must begin with you. None of us are perfect, and if anyone at this point in the commands of this verse believes themselves to be, they have missed the first command, humility, and must return to that place and humble themselves. We are all sinners. There are things that we have excused and allowed in our lives. Sins have become acceptable. The sin of reprobate, deviant, and hyper-sexuality, lying, gluttony, pride (addressed in great detail already), anger…I could go on, but I won’t. Examine and judge yourself and see what it is that needs to be repented of and removed and then pray for your church, pray for your nation, call out to God in earnest prayer that He would give us the awakening and the ability to turn from our wicked ways (to be broached a little later in greater detail) and live a godly life again. This call is to intercede, entreat, and make supplication. This is a vital and urgent part of this verse. Ask yourself this question: Do I pray and commune with God or do I talk at Him and go about my day my way? Prayer is meant to be communication and our prayers should most assuredly have an urgency to them, especially in these days.
Search for or seek God. We are to search out, specifically in worship or prayer, the face of God. We are to search for Him with urgency and, rest assured, if you seek Christ, you will find Christ. This isn’t a waste of time. If you seek Him, you will find Him, you cannot fail. Why? Because He is there to be found. He isn’t hiding from you. He isn’t teasing you or mocking you. He wants you to find Him, to seek Him out, to strive after Him, to pursue Him, and this is done in prayer and worship, that is to clearly say, through relationship. When Christ is calling us to seek His face, that is significant because the face is the part that turns, that sees, that speaks, that hears. We can tell from this that Christ is fully willing and ready to respond to our seeking and He will do so quickly and in amazing love and power. Why are you not seeking God? Is it fear of judgment? Fear of correction? A feeling of unworthiness? Put it all aside, fall on your knees, pray and seek His face and then, then, move forward with the most difficult step of all: true repentance.
Turn from their evil ways. This is the part of this verse that so many leave out. I can remember when I was in a church service and this verse was read many times and this part, this most vital part, was left out. That still irks me. Why? Because the American churches have become prideful places where we don’t believe we need to repent and turn from our wicked ways. We have accepted sin into our churches and into our lives in small measures, eventually opening up the floodgates under the guise of love and grace that is watered down and not the least bit godly. Repentance means to turn back, to do a 180 and walk away from it, not to say you’re sorry and then continue doing it, but to turn your back on your bad, evil, immoral wretchedness and never return. This is why I said it is the most difficult step at all, because it requires leaving the flesh in submission and turning your back on sin forever under the power of Christ, which is the only way that we can stop sinning at all. Sin is a road that we journey down, just as salvation is, and one road is wide while the other is narrow, one leads to death while the other leads to life. Consider that the Bible says that is sin to know what one is supposed to do and then that one opting not to do it (ref. James 4:17). Take some time and truly look at what grace is. Grace isn’t a license to continue in sin or to excuse the sins of others. Far from it! Grace cost Jesus Christ His life upon the Cross. Would that have been done to permit the children of God to continue living in immoral godlessness? Pride tells us that we can do what we want to do and that grace covers it regardless, but that is not true. Yes, grace covers a multitude of sins (ref. 1 Peter 4:8), yet in context we must understand that this is to win someone back to Christ. That means that you don’t attack a visitor to your church or a baby Christian with judgments and harsh regimes to follow. What it doesn’t mean is that you allow them to remain in their sins for years and years without conviction and truth being spoken, letting them lead a ministry and be a pillar in the church, while sinning without repentance or even a desire or willingness to change. We see this clearly in many churches today in the form of homosexuality, accepting that they can live that life and declare themselves Christians. The same is true about fornication, couples living together in sinful sexual lifestyles, or even in our excessive gluttony that is allowed at every church picnic, fellowship, and potluck. We can find ourselves using grace as a sin blanket, instead of as a bridge to repentance. Love is the other misused word. Love for a person doesn’t mean excusing their sin. Consider the danger of crossing a busy street. Would you tell your child that they can play in the street and not warn them of the dangers and protect them because they want to play in the street and you love them and the way to show love is to let them have their way? No, of course not. Neither does Christ. Consider that there are times when God tells us no in response to our prayers. Why would He do that if He loves us? It’s because He loves us that He does this. Love is not excusing or condoning sinful behavior. Rather, love is speaking the truth, showing God’s love through the call to repentance, because Christ giving His life on the Cross is not for us to sin and sin and sin, treating His sacrifice as worthless, as nothing. Rather, His sacrifice calls us to do the same: to die daily to self and to make our bodies a living sacrifice before Him (ref. Romans 12:1). Ask yourself this: are you using the worldly renditions of grace and love to tolerate, excuse, and continue in sin? Turn from your wicked and sinful ways…repent. That is what this verse calls on us to do.

Here comes the bright and shining light. Let’s look at the promises of our faithful God if we do these things that the verse commands us to do:

I will hear their prayer from Heaven
I will forgive their sins
I will heal their country

I will hear their prayer from Heaven. Notice that only after we do the things listed above will our prayers be heard. Does this mean that when we cry out to God He isn’t listening? No. We see here that this means to listen intelligently and purposefully, with the implication of attention. What’s the difference? The difference is relationship. If you’ve done what is commanded above, you and Christ are in a relationship, and the words, “Depart from Me, I never knew you,” will not be spoken to you on that day (ref. Matthew 7:23). This verse has always struck me because any of us can be in that place on that day. Consider that these people He is speaking of met Him in heaven and fully and firmly believed that they knew Him and had served Him, yet they hear those words and are cast out, cast away from His presence. Consider, also, that Christ is not bound by time. He is able to be here and at the day when you stand before Him. Was, is, and ever shall be. This truth that we could be cast away for living a façade of Christianity should be a wake-up call in and of itself, but we are content to sleep on. It’s easier, you see, to condone sin and be tolerant. It’s easier to fit in with culture and just have Christ on Sundays. It’s easier to stay home and Netflix binge (I’m guilty of that, too), to be anti-social and locked away from anyone and anything, saving yourself from the burden of standing for something. Yet, to have Christ hear our prayers and actively move, relationship is key. His love for us knows no bounds and cannot be made greater, yet our love for Him develops and grows based on our time with Him and our relationship. It is one thing to say you love God, for many say this, but it is another thing entirely to be in love with God. And that is the line crossed in relationship that allows for this promise to come to fruition.
I will forgive their sins. Did you know that there is a sin that is unforgivable? The Bible tells us that blasphemy of Holy Spirit is the only sin that Christ will not forgive (ref. Mark 3:28-30). Why would there be a sin that man could commit that Christ would be unwilling to forgive? Doesn’t that seem harsh? Isn’t He setting those lost and rebellious souls up for failure? I mean, if you know there’s a sin you can commit that God won’t forgive, then surely, in your angst and anger, you’d commit it and then it would be hopeless for you forever, since no amount of repentance later on would make it right. Ah, but here’s the truth of it: the only reason this sin is unforgivable is because forgiveness is never sought. It is the ultimate sin of pride, you see? As Holy Spirit presses and presses and Jesus calls and calls and the person refuses and refuses, well, how can a sin be forgiven if Jesus is never accepted and repentance is never made? It can’t. That is the reason there is an unforgivable sin. So, you’re safe if you’re afraid that you’ve committed this sin. It is only too late when your last breath leaves your body. Rest easy. Every sin you’ve committed can be forgiven. Every single one. So do not let the lies of the enemy and fear keep you from coming to Christ and repenting and being forgiven. This promise spares us the wage of sin: death. We will die physically here, but we will not die in the soul and spirit, which will dwell with Christ and God and Holy Spirit forever and ever. We are pardoned…justified, as if we’d never sinned at all. This is possible through the blood of Christ and repentance, as discussed above in #4, and we see in the beginning of this that repentance is vital in more ways than we originally believed. There is great freedom in being forgiven. Trust me.
I will heal their country. And this is the reason that Ted Cruz stepping out of the race and leaving us with Clinton, Sanders, or Trump as our last options right now, led to this blog being written and the verse being shared. Dark days are coming. We need God to heal America. We need Him to heal our churches and our families and ourselves. Look, though, that the order of these things are in the order of things that matter to Christ: the individual. In the Old Testament, God would place a ruler over Israel to call His children to repentance. That is the future America now faces. These three remaining options will bring us to a place of repentance because America is heading toward anarchy and anti-Christ mentalities. There is no stopping it. Yet, beginning with the individuals, healing and helping and protecting and blessing the individuals, will lead to the change that America needs in order to return to Christ. We know that we are in the end days, that Christ is coming soon, so regardless of the level of healing that comes to our country, the commands in this verse and the promises therein are vital for us to be the pure Bride with lanterns lit that Christ is expecting when He returns to call us home, before God pours His judgment upon the earth and all who remain upon it. This healing is a mending, a cure, a repair, as a physician would do, and it is the sick in need a physician (ref. Matthew 9:12, Mark 2:17). This healing would make us thoroughly whole. Maybe the area He will heal will be the churches alone, the Christians alone, and America will never return to being a godly nation. Can we accept that? Can Christians again be light in the darkness and salt in the flavorlessness of this world, or will we continue to add to the darkness and poison the world along with all those who reject Christ (ref. John 1:5; Matthew 5:13-16)?

Wake up, Christians. Stop allowing sin to rule you. We need to truly love as Christ loves and stand for the truth of God’s word, not backing down for political correctness and popularity. Yet, first, we must start with ourselves, and do as this verse commands, to gain the promises it offers, and to be set free to be truly set apart, holy, righteous, and godly, the pure Bride of Christ, Christ-like and to know and be known by the one true, holy, righteous, and just God. We need to stop excusing sin in others in order to show the fake definition of grace and love, but rather to reach into our relationship with Christ and love the way He loves and offer grace in the midst of salvation and failing. We need to revoke the license to sin that we’ve issued and stop allowing pride to dominate our lives, families, and churches. We need to wake and keep our lanterns full of oil and our wicks trimmed and be ready when the Bridegroom arrives for His Bride.

Hear the audio of this post here: RPGW: 2 Chronicles 7:14

My life in boxes

I am being relocated to a new office in my office building. A lot of changes have been happening of late. I’ve had a very difficult time adjusting. I understand that change is unavoidable and I am also aware that most are okay with change when the change is good, such as an increase in wages, however, when one loses things in the change, well, then it’s a little different.

So, I’m losing my office and yesterday I was told to clean out the closet because they’re going to be moving stuff around today. I’m not moving until Monday, you see, but that is neither here nor there in the eyes of big corporations. Therefore, behind my chair, the wall is lined with boxes filled with my life of nearly 2 years in this building. I have thought more than once already about taking a photo of the boxes and posting it with the tagline, “A perfect photo of how my life is lived”, because I feel like I’m living out of boxes every single day. So, I have taken said photo and I will post it here, no tagline necessary.I am being relocated to a new office in my office building. A lot of changes have been happening of late. I’ve had a very difficult time adjusting. I understand that change is unavoidable and I am also aware that most are okay with change when the change is good, such as an increase in wages, however, when one loses things in the change, well, then it’s a little different.

boxes

I used to be a great deal more concerned with friendship and acceptance. I used to be a bright social butterfly. I used to have crushes and dreams…

There is so much more to life than what I’m currently living, yet I cannot drum up enough concern for my own well-being to even care. I’m not depressed (trust me, I know if I’m depressed or not) and I don’t want my life to end, I just don’t seem to care about things that a person should care about.

Shouldn’t I want friends?

Shouldn’t I dream of marriage and love and courtship?

Shouldn’t I believe that I can actually do all the things that God has called me to do?

Shouldn’t I be excelling at all that I’m putting my hands to?

I’ve said it before, but here you go, in case you haven’t read any other blogs by me except this one: I don’t like myself very much most days. I just don’t. I take a lot more from failed friendships than I should, in truth. No one wants to truly be my friend, you know? Why would they? I’m not the greatest person to be friends with, you see? I’m a loud talker. I’m very opinionated. I am very conservative. I am a follower of Christ. I am very low in the realm of self-compassion and, if I’m low there, you can bet your sweet britches that I’ll be harsh in regards to sin and selfishness in the lives of others. By the own measure by which you judge, so shall you be judged. Trust me when I say that anytime you feel like I am a bit harsh in my views, remember that I am ten thousand times crueler to myself than I ever am to another human being.

Point in case, with the exception of one stupid fight in elementary school, I have never hit another person, yet I have physically beat myself up many times, moreso as a traumatized youth than a redeemed adult, but if you read my blog from this weekend, you know that not only did I slap myself with my hands many times, but I also punched my computer tray whatnot thingamajig with my fist and bruised my knuckles. Did that solve anything? Nope.

There is a great deal more involved than just some woman being unstable. I know, I know, I appear greatly unstable right now. I get it. But, it isn’t as simple as all that. Seriously, it’s just like those who are bound by depression and someone says, “Cheer up,” and expects the gloom and doom to fall away. It’s not that simple. Depression is a serious thing and it is usually caused by something within the body, a chemical imbalance or “that time of the month” or something and then life just beats the living crap out of the person and they can’t fake happiness anymore. Yeah. It’s like that. Now, everyone is unique, so don’t rage at me saying I don’t get your depression because I know I don’t. I can’t understand how anyone feels at any given moment in life, even if I’ve been through the exact same thing. Why? Because I apply different filters and mindsets and memories and triggers to the event than anyone else does and so the things that I can shrug off, you can’t, and vice versa. None of us is better than any other. Moving on.

My life is a mixed tape of chaos and the void is the only one listening. Okay, I tried to rephrase that and delete that, but I felt like God wanted it there simply so I can say this: Jesus is the only One listening to me. Now, know that when I say His name, I also mean God and Holy Spirit. As a writer, I sometimes have to list all three of them because, let’s face it, I can’t live without any of them. I want to give them equal and fair billing, but sometimes it’s just implied and most get that. Yet, over-thinkers and writers end up with a paragraph expressing their desire to keep things simple, explaining why they can’t, in truth, keep things simple at all, and there you go.

So, yes, I have Christ and, honestly, all my hope is truly in Him alone. I can’t be me around anyone else, not even my mom, who is my best friend. I can’t tell her all my fears and feelings and wonders and angsts, because she responds with dismissive statements, correction, or personal reflections. Of late, things I’ve said are not even heard. I feel like a ghost walking among the living.

There is nothing wrong with my mom. This isn’t bashing on her. It’s me, you see? I’m annoying. I just am. Let’s be honest, we all know someone that, try as they may not to be, they are just annoying. And so, sometimes, when people are tired, the annoying person is hurt on purpose and when people aren’t tired, the annoying person is hurt by accident. It just happens. When one over-thinks things and animatedly speaks of things and is just plain opinionated, it is bound to happen that people just don’t like them. So be it.

I have been watching CHEERS lately and Cliff, well, he and I are alike. I have so much bouncing around in my skull but it matters little in this world. I’m not a politician or a writer or a celebrity…who wants to hear what I have to say, anyway? Well, God does. 🙂

The purpose of Christianity, after salvation is received, is to become like Christ and to have someone, to always have someone, that loves you. Always. Even in the darkest of days, there He is, loving me, and showing me that my tears are seen and my angst is heard and my fears aren’t irrelevant and my anger is rooted in things that He will help me dig up and remove and that I am allowed to dream and to believe that even an annoying person like me will one day have friends that won’t leave me.

I can’t talk about a lot of the things I see and hear in my life because it could damage others. I can’t say what triggered my abusive spiral on Sunday. It wasn’t my computer, you see, it was something else entirely. It wasn’t even my not liking myself. Nope. It was a completely different thing. But, I can’t talk about it. I can’t tell you about it. I can’t express things about it. But, I’m sure if you read the blog at all, you’ve guessed some things.

This morning, as I drove the speed limit, a man decided that I was going too slow for him and he entered the turning lane early and then was beside me when I needed to get into the lane, because he, himself, was going, you guessed it, the speed limit. I had to brake and get behind this man and I wanted so badly to post the following: Being a Christian battles constantly against the men in this world that are psychopathic sociopath butts. I didn’t post that, though, you see, because I allow Holy Spirit to be my filter. In fact, even writing the blogs I’ve written of late is a stretch, yet they are still filtered. I think I even talk about that in one of my blogs, about how I want to be open and honest and pour it all out, but, no, I’ll keep it filtered. No one knows me.

No one really knows anyone, truly.

Boxes. I have placed my desire for friends, which I’ve had for years and years and years and years, into a box. I’ve taped it and sealed it and shoved it into a dark corner to be left alone. I had friends, you see, and the loss of them was too painful. Being uninvited from a wedding the day before the event was too painful. Life goes on…but it goes on without friends.

Boxes. I have placed the call of God on my life to be a Pastor’s wife into a box and chained it shut. Sunday was just too traumatic. Can I ever marry? No. I don’t want a man in my life that I can’t escape from. Does that make sense? I need to be in control and to never have a man to answer to in the realm of my life, aside from Christ, of course, Who is not the least bit cruel to me. But mortal men? No. Yes, I’ll respect those in authority over me, but I do not blindly accept and follow what they say. So, that box was firmly sealed on Sunday and is the freshest box in my room of boxes and is locked down as tightly as it can be. On Sunday, my denial of this call was a pleading rather than a demand, had a great deal more linked to it than simple fear or disdain. This was absolute brokenness. This was my begging my Father to spare me.

Boxes. Relationships in general are in their boxes, some with lids askew, but most closed tightly. Spending time in my room alone is what I long to do day in and day out. New things have been happening and I’m not interested. I participate. I attend. But why bother? Tonight will be a test, for sure, because it isn’t Jesus that I’m rejecting. It’s people because I’ve become extremely cynical and the solitude of the cynical is much needed.

Boxes. Fear of dying. Yeah. I won’t even go into this in detail, we all know what that is. I don’t fear death, because I have Christ, it is the act of dying that plays on my mind, the over-thinker’s curse of thinking of the fear and the loss and the terror and the confusion…so on and so forth. I blame the violent world we’re living in. I think of what they experienced before violent murders, abuse, and death and I get too caught up in dying as an event, though we know that for the believer, it’s just stepping through a doorway.

Boxes. My regrets. These I pull out once in awhile. Ben. Jasmine. Dentley. Catrina, Joshua, and Julian. They don’t come all at once. They come randomly. I am saddened by all three, but the most traumatic is Ben. Notice that my regrets are not based on things like debt and such, though trust me when I say that I have horrible issues in my life, but all my regrets have to do with people (or animals) and the inability to undo what was done. Ben hurts the most, though, to my very soul. I can still remember, as a teen, struggling with my guilt upon his going home to be with Jesus and tripping on the stairs in my house and just weeping and begging for his forgiveness. It still hurts me. Did I do anything horrible and cruel to him? No. Many do not even remember him, which is even sadder to me. I just wish that I had been a better person, that I hadn’t caved to teasing, and had just been like Christ, so that when Ben left us, it wouldn’t hurt my soul over 20 years later. I still cry. I was just thinking, though, that maybe it is good that I have this regret, as Ben was very much loved by me, apparently, and he will never be forgotten so long as I still breathe. And, one day, I’ll see him in Heaven, whole and happy, and I’ll be free of the regret forever. The others are fresher. Giving two of my dogs away. I wish I never had, especially Jasmine. I hate that I let her go. I gave her to a woman who would love her, yes, but she was my dog and I let her go. I find that very evil of me. The three children I fostered. I should’ve fought for them and adopted them. Their lives entered new places and one is in a very bad place now, and I blame myself for that, too. To be 36 years old and only have three regrets, well, that’s not too shabby, but man, are they painful regrets! I can’t think about these without crying. I wish I could seal this box forever.

Boxes. Abuse, trauma, loss, and doubt. My past. Things that still shape me, still rise up, make me angry and sad at the same time, things I can’t talk about, can’t share, can’t even mention. Life goes on.

Boxes. There are so many. I live out of them, you see. Some don’t need to be unpacked. Can you imagine the clutter in my life? But, some shouldn’t be in boxes at all. But they are. And that’s the way my life is. My annoying life.

Despite this dismal portrayal of a difficult day (that’s what it is, you see?), I have a blessed life. God is amazingly good to me. I have much to be thankful for. I do not wish to die and I am not full of hate toward myself, God, my family, work, or acquaintances. I’m just dealing with the fact that I have built a wall, very thick, and that I am not ready to tear it down yet. God showed me this wall last year, glaringly clear, and I am still content to remain behind it. Me and my boxes behind the very thick wall I’ve built.

The Sin of Convenience

Years ago, Holy Spirit revealed a truth to me that I had long ignored. Consider, if you will, how prevalent fornication is, even among professing Christians. Long ago, there was utter shame if one engaged in sex before marriage. There was even shame if they appeared to be doing immoral things together before marriage. Now, however, like gluttony and white lies, it is accepted and overlooked.

Purity isn’t preached or taught. Sex isn’t revealed as the glorious gift God gave to a man and woman in the bonds of marriage. Nope. We’re told that fornication is a sin and yet throw baby showers for children that are born out of wedlock. It isn’t the child’s curse to bear, yet it is the overlooking of the sinful acts of the parents that is troubling.

Why does this matter? I don’t know, truly, since it seems to be out of fashion for a Christian to care about or strive for purity in this day and age. All I can do, however, is think about a few verses, such as:

Ephesians 5:3 states, “But there must be NO sexual sin among you, OR ANY KIND of evil or greed. Those things are not right for God’s holy people.” [emphasis mine], NCV
1 Corinthians 6:13, 18-20 tells us, “Food is for the stomach, and the stomach for food, but God will destroy them both. The body IS NOT for sexual sin but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body…So run away from sexual sin. Every other sin people do is OUTSIDE their bodies, but those who sin sexually SIN AGAINST THEIR OWN BODIES. You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit who is in you. You have received the Holy Spirit from God. So you do not belong to yourselves, because you were bought by God for a price. So HONOR GOD with your bodies.” [emphasis mine], NCV
Mark 7:21-23 says, “All the evil things begin inside people, in the mind: evil thoughts, sexual sins, stealing, murder, adultery, greed, evil actions, lying, doing sinful things, jealousy, speaking evil of others, pride, and foolish living. All these evil things come from inside and make people unclean.” NCV
1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 informs us that, “God wants you to be holy and to stay away from sexual sins. He wants each of you to LEARN TO CONTROL your own body in a way that is HOLY and HONORABLE.” [emphasis mine], NCV
Hebrews 13:4 refers to marriage, which shows that even within the bounds of marriage there are dangers. These appear in the realm of adulteries and perversion of the marriage bed under “anything goes” logic, which includes inviting others to share the marriage bed. “Marriage should be honored by everyone, and husband and wife should keep their marriage PURE. God will judge as guilty those who take part in SEXUAL SINS.” [emphasis mine], NCV

These are just a handful of verses. Consider, too, the following:

1 Peter 1:16 – It is written in the Scriptures: “You must be holy, because I am holy.”
James 4:17 – Anyone who knows the right thing to do, but does not do it, is sinning.
Romans 6:12-14 – So, do not let sin control your life here on earth so that you do what your sinful self wants to do. Do not offer the parts of your body to serve sin, as things to be used in doing evil. Instead, offer yourselves to God as people who have died and now live. Offer the parts of your body to God to be used in doing good. Sin will not be your master, because you are not under law but under God’s grace.

Just looking at these things, a mere sampling, we can see why it should matter. It should matter if someone in the church, in ministry, is engaged in sexual sin. It should matter if a long-time single Christian is suddenly pregnant.

The sadness of the double-standard is amazing, too, when you consider that the men can engage and it not be known, unless they are openly shown to be fornicating, or they are dating the woman who becomes pregnant. The shame stigma, however, remains on the woman.

I, being female, cannot understand the things that men do/feel/experience/etc. I don’t pretend to know things outside of my sphere of influence. How many women in church have aborted a child and remained the “good church girl” in front of the world? What shame and pain does she carry all alone, because she can’t confess the sin for fear of judgment? I know that I’m not helping that stigma here, either, considering the start of the blog.

So, what, then is the answer? I don’t know. I’m not called to fix the church, though sometimes you feel like you really and truly want to and need to. But, I cannot. That is the role of Holy Spirit and Christ. But, I can surmise some things:

Purity matters. Until we grasp this and share it, not just at the pulpit, but throughout our actions, words, and examples of the lives we lead. Not even a HINT of immorality. Not even one single hint. Do we live that way? Nope. Not even myself, called to radical purity, a standard no one in the church will accept. A high calling from God that has made this isolated individual feel the sting and the burden even more. Yet, I stand for purity. I stand for it because it truly matters in the lives of believers and until we bring purity back into our lives, we will continue to see the church degrade, dirty itself, and compromise.
Mentorship matters. This goes back to the above point, too. Leading by example is key, yet we also need the relationships. Stronger Christians mentoring newer Christians, seeing their value and purpose, helping them find and use their talents and gifts for the glory of Christ, and giving them the power to set boundaries, create accountability, and live a life that is holy, as Christ is holy.
Content matters. What we pour in is what we get out. The acceptance of certain books, music, t.v. shows, movies, hobbies, etc., are setting the stage and whetting appetites that we can never think to control. Consider that we are never “strong enough” to dabble in sin. Never. The things that we left at the foot of the Cross on the day we were called to abandon them are not to be picked back up. Yet, we believe that as we grow in the Lord, this means that the things that were once triggers for us are safe to engage in again. Nope. You cannot assume that a trigger loses its power, because it doesn’t. It’s a trigger for a reason. The devil knows this and he waits for you to assume, in prideful arrogance, that you are at the place to engage in shows and acts and pass-times that once caused you to sin and stumble. Trust me when I say you will sin and stumble again.
Relationships matter. The mentor relationship is key (and sorely lacking today), but you need fun friends too, but ones that don’t hide the truth from you or condone your sin. You need strong, Christian friends to walk the path with you and you need to be that kind of friend to others. As iron sharpens iron…we are to be making each other stronger and we are to be making each person take account of their sin and remove the shame that comes with failing. Instead of beating the repentant person over the head when they fall, help them stand again and help them run that race and win the prize at the end.
Boundaries matter. Once you set the boundary, do not erase it or undo it. Prayerfully seek what boundaries you need to establish in your entertainment, socializing, and workplace. Trust me when I say that great danger comes in either not setting boundaries at all or removing boundaries you’ve placed.

There are some of the things that I think about, right now, as I was thinking about this prevalent sin in our churches. Consider that the devil uses two ways to get a person to fall into sexual sin and bondage:

Convenience and availability
Rejection and denial

With convenience and availability, you will see that there is always a person interested in you, always a person to date and be in a relationship with, that even upon breaking up, you are not long without another person. These are the people that are viewed as “needy” and “have to be in a relationship”, but it is so much more than that. It is a tactic of the enemy, granting the very thing that will make you compromise and settle. He builds that need in you, for each time you date and lose, you realize that you could find Mr. Right or Ms. Right in the next one…or the next one…or the next one. Maybe, for the first few tries, you maintained a level of purity. But, then, as the devil points out, that’s why they didn’t work out, because you were such a “tease”. So, in the next few, you surrender and let go. Those fail, too, but it must be for this reason or that reason, but look, here’s another and another and another…and soon you are dating far too many people over the course of your life and dealing with so much emotional and mental stress that could be avoided. However, it’s available and the enemy will keep it so. We are all susceptible to this kind of temptation.

Consider the internet and the availability to engage in sexual things online, through porn, chats, and literature. Consider that Hollywood seeks to create a nation of voyeurs, people peeping in windows and looking upon sexual acts, seeking it out, in fact, as in the case of 50 Shades of Grey, most recently. Consider that the devil will always make sexual sin available and free…at least on the surface. The cost, as it is with all sin, is high. Consider, too, that the Bible says that the cost of sexual sin is higher, because it is a sin against one’s own body (1 Corinthians 6:18).

Okay, Julie, thanks for beating the dead horse, but what about the other one? Rejection and denial. This is an insidious tool of the devil. Some of his tools are open and obvious, others not so much. With the sin of availability and convenience, well, that is pretty apparent, is it not? Yet, when one spends their life overlooked, constantly rejected, constantly ignored, where the only availability and convenience truly does lie online or through movies, and suddenly, after years of feeling ugly, worthless, foolish, stupid, fat, unwanted, etc., there comes the person with the right words and the right look and the right everything (Mr. or Ms. Right, you see?) and the stands that once mattered (and you wondered if they mattered and were possible BECAUSE you were not given the option) don’t matter so much anymore and you surrender it all to Mr. or Ms. Right Now. Will there be a parade of available people for you after this? Hard to say. It is all in the individual, you see, because your enemy knows. What would damage you more? Having the suddenly available sin of convenience and availability because the virginity was lost at last and you are unhindered in pursuit now, “liberated”? Well, then, here comes the parade of heartbreakers. However, if you are more damaged with the giving away the precious gift and having your heart trampled on and then returning to the cycle of rejection and being denied that parade of available partners, well, that is how he will proceed.

So, what do we do, then? Just wait for the devil to destroy us in this area? Nope. Consider the points mentioned above and set your boundaries and know why you are setting them. Is it because you HAVE to, or because you WANT to? How much do you truly value holiness and purity? Is it merely a mandate set by the church or is it something in your soul that cries out to be holy as Christ is holy? That will determine if you give into either trap of the enemy in the realm of sexual sin.

What else? Strong support is vital. Not just hanging out sipping coffee, but a worshiping, praying, encouraging, edifying, correcting, coffee sipping group of friends. Read your Bible. Pray. Praise. And trust that God has a plan and is in control and has not “lost” or forgotten you.

Also, consider that you may very well be single your entire life and be okay with this. I’m turning 36 in six days. I’m single. I’ve been single my entire life. I’ve gone on one date. That was my Freshman year of high school. I am okay with being single now and I am okay with being single forever, should that be God’s will. You have to learn to be that way, too. You’re not waiting for God to send you someone, you’re not keeping yourself pure for your spouse, those are added perks. You are doing it for you, for Christ, because your relationship with Him matters more than sexual pleasure in this world and the heartbreak that comes with not waiting.

If you’ve read this far, I believe you care. You truly want to be pure. That is amazingly uplifting to me. I sincerely hope that you would email me at purity.Gods.way@gmail.com if you’d like to.

I leave you with this simple statement: You are far more valuable than this world desires to purchase you for, than the enemy seeks to sell you for, because Christ has called you by name and has made you His and has placed His seal upon you.

If you’re popular or truly valuable you’ll never understand this

One reaches beyond themselves in an attempt to be seen, yet they remain invisible. No matter what happens, they cannot be seen. They know they exist, they know they are real, but they are invisible. So, they reach and withdraw and reach and withdraw and they try to convince themselves that they truly matter in this world, that they truly belong and matter somewhere to someone, that they won’t always be invisible, yet they remain rejected and singular.

If you’re popular or truly of value, you have no idea. In fact, you’ll consider those that feel this way to be crybabies and whiners. It’s because you cannot fathom the feelings of truly not being worth the time of others. No investment worth being made. No friendship worth being pursued. The afterthought of the invite…if the thought even comes. Just as those in this place cannot fully fathom what it feels like to be truly missed or truly sought after or truly belonging and growing and being mentored and poured into and helped and encouraged through the life you live.

I think about this because people who write, as I do, have to really be liked for someone to invest in their art. It isn’t something you can lightly peruse, you realize. If you’ve actually made it this far into this blog, I thank you. Thank you for investing.

Consider, however, those that cannot see an art or value in anything they do, cannot see any gifts or talents in the realm of creativity, cannot overcome that feeling that they are a vapid waste of space on this planet earth.

Yet, knowing, as most should if they claim to be followers of Christ, that everyone has value, purpose, and a distinct call, you would think that the investment would be there for all. But, you would be wrong. Not everyone can hang out with the worship team or the pastor or the youth leader or those that are in the forefront of the church. Not everyone can fit into the mold of awesomeness that is sought within the church walls.

So they reach out, jump up and down, and scream, “I’m here! I’m here!” while the enemy says, “No one cares,” and, because we fail to see them, to invest in them, to show them Christ in the realm of true value, friendship, and love, they believe the enemy, because actions show them that they are, truly, invisible, no matter what monthly sentence is posted on their Facebook page or what superficial discussion is had in the foyer.

Mr. Cellophane

Can’t I just…

I think that being broken takes its toll slowly. The initial breakage is instant and painful, yet we sometimes can’t understand that feeling, that deep level of pain, and so we retreat into anger. At least, that’s what I do.

I am wondering about things, about brokenness and blame and shame and fear. I am wondering because God showed me that I prefer to retreat behind walls, rather than connect. I hide behind a wall that I built so high and so securely, that only God can tear it down. But, even then, I’m not letting Him.

I will frankly say here, rather than in a vague Facebook post, that I don’t like myself. I just don’t. It is something that I have accepted, in truth. I am not my favorite person in the world. Consider, then, that Jesus calls us to love others as we love ourselves. Well, I won’t physically harm myself and I won’t use hateful words as much as I used to when speaking to myself, but do I love myself? Nope. So, is it any wonder that I don’t want to spend time with other people, that sitting in this class that I’m in is about to break my skull in half because I feel like a silent rock in the middle of a swirling river, just there, just blocking the flow, but not contributing in a helpful way?

I thought, “What can I do? I feel like my soul is wounded again. I feel broken again.” But was I ever really never broken?

There was a moment last week, fleeting and short and, even though I’ve felt things in the realm of healing before, this was a picture, a glimpse, of being complete and I couldn’t hold onto it. I wrote about it (it will be at the end of this blog), and for that I’m glad, because right now, there is no residual feelings to remark upon. All that remains is the distant knowledge that for a couple of seconds, I felt good and I actually felt liked by myself.

And the strangeness of it all is that I know that I know that I know that there are many out there that feel this same way and cannot understand why they don’t like themselves, why they can feel alone in a crowd of people, feel truly unloved and unwelcome and isolated in the middle of family and friends, and they believe that there must be something wrong with them, making them dislike themselves on an even greater scale and, ultimately, wounding their very soul.

But, I don’t have the words to help them…or myself.

I think constantly of the P!NK song, “Don’t Let Me Get Me”. I think of it because it is bad when you annoy yourself, when you realize that you are, in fact, your own worst enemy, and when you don’t even want to be your own friend anymore…you just want to be somebody else. You want to be the family that doesn’t think about you, except once in a blue moon, or the friends that walked away from you, or the people that just outright disregarded you as a viable option for any form of communication, interaction, or relationship. You wish you could just leave yourself behind and not even have to worry about ever meeting yourself ever again.

But, you are trapped with you. Wherever you go, there you are, with all your quirks, hang-ups, annoyances, and failings. You’re there and nothing will change that. I asked God what I could do, what I could read or meditate on, and it isn’t even a matter of not knowing or not seeing that I am made in His image or that I am very much loved and treasured by Him, because the issue isn’t what He thinks about me, it’s what I think about me.

I think that is why I can continue living despite not liking myself. It is because I know that He is who He says He is and He loves me and He isn’t done with me. So, even though I don’t like me, someone does and someone loves me more than I could ever understand, more than any mortal could, and more than I could ever love myself or anyone else, for that matter. Knowing that, despite feeling like the world could forget me in a day, and I would gladly forget myself, I am loved and treasured and valued, that alone helps me alive today.

I think this is something that I try to ignore and my current job allows me to do so. I sit alone most of the day, and I interact with no one unless there is a stirring of the pot and I have to attend a meeting or something, but otherwise, it’s just me. When I am then tossed into a group setting, where I am now, I find that I don’t like the me that is sitting in this room, I don’t like the me that is failing to interact with others at a basic human level, I don’t like the me that almost started to cry when lunch began, having to stay in because I’ve made unwise financial choices, have dug a deep hole, and am attending this conference on a wing and a prayer.

Yes, I don’t like me. I just don’t. And it has been this way for countless years, for as long as I can remember, when I finally discovered that it is possible to not like myself in the very littlest bit. I wondered today why I wasn’t doing what God has called me to do. I wanted to blame the wounds I received from PH, but the call wasn’t refined until long after that. So, why am I still hiding behind this wall, refusing to move, refusing to be healed, refusing the freedom He offers me?

I don’t know. I just know that sitting here today is a broken woman who doesn’t like herself and by her side is a Savior that loves her more than she can ever understand. And that will have to be enough for now.

BLOG FROM 11/24/2015:

I had a moment today, and this is poignant, where I suddenly thought, “I’m such a catch. Any single man of God would be blessed to have me for their wife.” I kind of stumbled about in my mind for a moment and, even though I tried, I couldn’t hold that feeling. It’s gone now.

I have to say that this is the first time that I’ve actually felt that way. At least, as far as I can remember. I was listening to For King And Country and had played their song No Turning Back for the second time in a row when that thought occurred to me. Jamming out to it, saying things like, “falling head over heels into love, leaving the doubt in the dust, turning the me into us…” probably had something to do with it. I paraphrased there, I’m sure you could tell.

Why is it that it is so hard to like oneself? There is a difference between arrogance and pride, to be sure, but simply liking yourself, acknowledging that there are things in you that someone would actually value, someone besides God, of course. Why is it so hard to feel like you can never be worthy of love?

Consider that I watched Love The Coopers last week. The movie is a good film about family and forgiveness and connection and failing to live up to the ideal, a great film about loss and marriage and remembering why you fell in love in the first place. At one point, Eleanor (Olivia Wilde) tells Joe (Jake Lacy) that she basically feels unworthy of love. Tears sprang to my eyes. How I identified with that woman at that moment, a woman that I have absolutely nothing in common with, whose life is so far departed from my own, the same woman that I was annoyed with up until that point. When she said that, her pain and her actions made so much more sense.

And now, my mind has already flipped. Rather than focus on the painful part that is Julie and her brokenness, her fear of love and marriage and all that comes with it, I focus on others and think, “So, even when I feel that I can’t understand why someone is doing what they’re doing, I must remember that the pain in others is so deep, so hidden, that it cannot be found by superficial approaches and cursory glances.” I think that the same can be said for the beauty within those people who annoy or anger us. A reason to be patient. A reason to seek, to invest, to know…if only to find the treasures deep within…and, one day, to reach that pain-filled center and bring a healing touch.

One day, I hope to feel that confidence again, that feeling that overrides the fear and loathing of who I see myself to be, in truth, a woman so broken, damaged, and dark that she isn’t worthy of love, that she isn’t worthy of a godly man to call her husband, because why subject them to the shattered soul within? But, someday, I believe that I will feel that I am worthy of being loved and I will be able to hold onto that feeling and keep it in my breast for longer than three heartbeats.

Because the startling truth is that in that moment today, I truly believed it and I truly felt a moment of freedom in my soul that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Live Love

How amazingly relevant and timely. With the attacks of ISIS on increasing scales and the Syrian Refugee Crisis, to see this exactly a year ago, I consider my stance on loving those fleeing ISIS and not letting fear win as being fully validated. Live love, everyone. It doesn’t mean we are foolish and ignore the risks or the dangers. The Bible tells us to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. To the least of these…live love.

From November 18, 2014, originally posted on Facebook:

I was thinking today how quickly we defend our cruel words with statements like, “Jesus confronted people.” It makes me want to say, “Stop comparing yourself to Jesus!” but, in truth, we’re supposed to be like Him, yes?

Why is it that we choose the confrontational side of Jesus as the side to associate with? Consider your words carefully. Be kind in your responses. Yes, Jesus confronted the Pharisees, but aren’t we all Pharisaical on some level? Aren’t we all hypocritical in at least one area of our lives?

Jesus tells us that we will reap what we sow, that by the measure we judge others, we shall be judged, that what we give shall be given back to us in greater measure. We look at these things as positives, and so we should, but consider for a moment if you are giving condemnation and mockery to others, if you are not meting out grace that is sufficient for the sorrow of the soul, what, then, shall be meted out to you?

When you consider the scariest Scripture for all genuine believers, Matthew 7:23, and think, what could have possibly led these believers to feel that they were okay in their salvation? Their works? How many of us rely on that very thing? But, no, I feel it is more than that. I feel that though they name their works, it was due to the disconnection of heart and mind.

Consider Matthew 25:35-40 and think about the content of the verses. To the least of these, to the poor and the hurting, what our response is determines our ultimate treatment of Christ. For years, there was such a disconnect in my life regarding salvation and grace. To me, it was a legalism thing. Do what you are required to do, works, and you shall make it…though barely. All your lumber shall be burned up and you will have nothing to show for it, but you’ll make it. This was what I’d been taught for countless years.

Grace interjected, however, and showed me the simple truth: I am no better than anyone else, even if I keep all the rules, for I am a horrid sinner saved by amazing grace. Why, then, would I heap condemnation, shame and guilt on another under the guise of confronting sin, especially when there is no sin being confronted? Yet, that is what we do, is it not? Do we condemn believers for missing church on Sunday to visit an ailing relative? No. But we condemn them for doing so in order to have breakfast with someone or attend a concert or, yes, even watch television. While I don’t condone missing church, for we all need to have a place where we can serve and be fed the spiritual nourishment of God’s word, but what right do we have to strain at the gnats?

Many times over, we are warned in the Bible about our words, about the power of the tongue, about our thoughts and our heart and then you read Matthew 7:23 and your soul freezes. What if that happens to me? What if I hear those words?

We can be secure in our salvation and not feel like we’re walking on a razor’s edge of judgment, so don’t get my words wrong here. However, if Matthew 7:23 doesn’t at least give you pause and make you take some time to consider your life with Christ, that, in and of itself, is a danger sign. More importantly, if you find that you are eager to ‘put people in their proper place’, to spew negative words and comments and ideas, and to discourage the joyous zeal of another because yours is lacking, then you are not doing unto the least of these as Christ would do.

Why we choose to focus on the moments of correction in Jesus’ life as a Man on earth rather than the compassion is beyond me. Why we feel that it is okay to condemn and correct our brothers and sisters for asking questions or needing clarification on Biblical things is beyond me. Why we can’t be kind in our responses and our deeds escapes me.

I know that I fail here often and I think that is why Jesus made it fill my mind today. Because, truly, I want to be like Christ. I want children to be drawn to me and at peace when with me. I want there to be joy when I speak, edifying and lifting up those around me, encouraging believers to follow their call in God with whole hearts. I want to know that when Jesus sends his poor and hungry to me, that I am available to them in all the ways that He desires, that I do not turn them away, that I do not reject the rejected.

As with all things, it’s a heart issue. Where is your heart? Is it in Christ, seeking to know Him and make Him known, or is it in being right, in proving your intelligence, in showing you’ve got the years in seminary or pews to show up the younger believer?

Live love. God has said over and over and over again to me of late. Live love. That is what Jesus did and does. He lives love and He lives it passionately. So, then, should we.

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Why don’t you tithe?

I was thinking about this just now for many reasons. One, last Sunday, the topic of tithing was discussed. Two, Monday, I found posts from last year regarding the belief by believers that tithing isn’t necessary, which it is, but that’s not the point here. Three, I was just thinking about Hope for Paws.

The last one doesn’t seem to fit, does it? No surprise. How could it? But, as I was sitting here thinking about the latest post by Hope for Paws regarding a rescue who had been tortured and about the founder of Hope for Paws having been bitten on the face in the midst of a rescue to the point of needing to consult a plastic surgeon, I realized how connected I feel to him, though I’ve never met him.

Every rescue is linked to my soul because I give each month to Hope for Paws through automatic donation. How much do I give? $10. That’s it. $10 a month, because that is all I can afford at this time, however, taking a look at that $10, I still feel valuable and connected and joined to Hope for Paws and I feel that I play a part in every single rescue, though they reside in California and I in New Mexico. I still feel like I am by their side during every rescue. The videos help, too, because then you see the compassion and the reach and the rescuers in action. You do feel like you’re there, but giving, well, you feel like you’re really there, like you’re vested in the saving of abandoned, neglected, lost, scared, sick, and abused dogs.

The relevance to tithing is startling. I am near tears right now because I had intended to write something completely different here, yet, as I wrote the paragraphs above, I saw the truth. Why don’t you tithe? I daresay that you don’t feel connected. Guess what? You never will. So long as you aren’t tithing, you will not feel as though you are connected to your church or to all the missionary outreaches they do.

Is that to say that it all revolves around money? No. Never. You can serve in your church, you can make friends and hear from God, you can be saved and never tithe. This is true. Tithing doesn’t get you to Heaven, my friends. Tithing doesn’t purchase your right to sit in a church pew (though some churches operate that way, sadly). Tithing is an act of honoring obedience to God, Creator of all things seen and unseen, perfect Father, who owns all things and gives you the freedom to live life and steward His money.

Tithing is a heart issue. All things with God are heart issues. Though the laws of man will attempt to regulate things, morality comes from within. You cannot impose moral laws on the outward man. It is only the heart that determines a man’s morality and character. There are lawless things one can do in the dark and the police will never know. We see this daily. The weights and measures are all found in the heart. Matthew 15:19 makes this abundantly clear when it says, “It is out of the heart that evil thoughts come, as well as murder, adultery, sexual immorality, stealing, false testimony [or lying], and slander.” This is why we need God to create a clean heart within us, because only He can do so, our hearts being filled with the sinful things of life. (Psalm 51:10)

Many choose not to tithe because they don’t trust the church or the people. Transparency is lacking in some cases, but in most churches, you can ask for a report of where all the funds go and you can designate your offerings to go to additional locations. Tithes, however, are for there to be meat in the house of the Lord. Tithes are meant to support the Pastor and staff, pay for the building and the electricity, water, heat, and air conditioning, and of course, maintenance. Any residuals are used for incidentals, but mostly, they are kept in the bank account so that the church is never in danger of foreclosure or lacking in meeting basic needs. Most churches can’t live that way, though.

Consider the church of Acts, how there was no lack, and all had what they needed. That doesn’t just happen. If you want your church to be a light in a dark community, you have to give. That’s all there is to it. Can you imagine the touch, the reach of Christ, to the poor and the needy of your community, if your church had the means to do more than live month-to-month? Amazing possibilities! Can you imagine the mission field if they were free financially to send and support missionary churches all around the world? Amazing possibilities.

Do you want your pastor to be available for you when you need him, to answer the phone in the middle of the day (or night) and take the time to pray you through a difficult time, to visit you and loved ones in the hospital, to bring sustainable spiritual food to the feasting table two or three times a week, to lead you without growing weary, to run beside you and encourage you without growing faint? Of course you do! While the support of the church members via faithfulness, gifts, services, and words do a great deal in the way of keeping one’s pastor going strong, consider that you can’t expect him to work full-time in order to support himself and his family and still be available all the time. It is unrealistic. He can’t answer those midnight calls because he has to work at the factory in the morning. He can’t go to the hospital at that moment because he is in the middle of a staff meeting he can’t get away from.

We tithe because God has called us to tithe. To not tithe is to rob God. It’s the truth. God calls us to give so that there will be meat in His house, meat to feed the Levites (priests) and to care for the widows and orphans and the needy. We tithe because we want our pastor to live out his full potential and calling in Christ without having to support his family through outside means. We tithe because we are connected to our church and our pastor and his family and we want him to be able to spend his days with God and bring us healthy, life-giving meals when we sit before him on Saturdays, Sundays, and Wednesdays. We don’t want him to have to worry about being available for us or his own family because he has to provide for them through an outside job.

We tithe because we enjoy having a place to gather together, a place with lights and sound systems and seats and warmth in winter and air conditioning in summer, a place with a roof and four walls and rooms for our babies and children’s church for our children and teen programs for our youth, our future. We tithe because we understand that we can’t have those things for free. We tithe because we are responsible and know the weight of providing home, food, and security for our families.

We tithe because Christ said that when we have done unto the least of these, we have done it unto Him, when we clothe and feed and support and offer the hope of salvation to the forsaken and forgotten, the broken and the lost, we are being Christ’s hands and feet, we are about the King’s business as His ambassadors, and we are having a hand in the rescue of many souls, the salvation of countless valuable souls, and that in the end, we will not regret giving 10% of our income, plus additional offerings of time, talents, gifts, and money, to see even one single soul saved from eternal separation from God.

Connection.

But, truly, we tithe because we love God and He loves us. We say to Him, “Thank You, God! Thank You, for saving me, for paying a price I can never, ever repay! Thank You, Jesus, for choosing me even as You chose the cross, seeing me and finding it joy that I would one day know You, too. Thank You, Lord, for never leaving me, never forsaking me, and for trusting me with a portion of Your wealth, trusting me to manage it for You. Thank You, mighty God, thank you!”

So, why don’t you tithe? I really would like to know. There are possibly reasons here that I didn’t touch on (like not being financially able to give 10% at this time), and I’d really like to discuss it with you. Please, comment here, message me privately or e-mail me at purity.Gods.way@gmail.com and I’ll respond.

If you were wondering where I was going with this originally, it was to say that I feel connected to Hope for Paws, yet I don’t feel connected to my church, even with my giving. However, as I wrote this, God showed, as He is faithful to do, that it is a heart issue. There are other reasons why I don’t feel as connected at this time as I would like to, or as I have had previously. The connection will come. God is working things out in me. Seasons are what they are and they are vital to growth and life. Originally, this intended to be directed at the church leadership, challenging them to find ways to make the people feel more connected when they give, to show the results of their giving, but in truth, it is an individual issue of the heart. If you feel disconnected and you’re tithing and giving, let me know that, too. I’d love to pray for you and with you and take the journey with you to tithing and giving faithfully or feeling connected once again to the family of God.

9/11: 14 Years Later

Sometimes, I am so overcome by sadness that I cannot go on. I freeze up and I weep. It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen, and when it does, I cry out to God, “What can we do, God? There is so much sadness in the world!”

Today, we look back 14 years to September 11, 2001 and we see and we remember and it is like we are there all over again. We watch videos and we read posts and we bow our heads and we think about the loss, the stunning loss, and we try to come to grips with sorrow once more. I’ve been watching videos and sharing posts and remembering seeing the second plan hit the second tower on live t.v. I remember calling out to my mom from the couch downstairs (I was 21 years old at the time), “Mom! Another plane hit the other tower!” And we all knew at that moment the horrible truth of that day.

There are very few days that stand out in my mind, but September 11, 2001 is branded into my memory, searing, hot, and vivid. The days following remain in my memory as well, including the cover of Time Magazine showing a man who’d jumped from the inescapable floors above to his death below, as countless others did, before the towers collapsed. I can recall the events of the morning of that day, so far away from the areas attacked, NYC and Washington D.C. and, due to brave intervention, a field in Pennsylvania. Loss, tragedy, death, and fear reached across the miles to touch us all and leave us wounded and breathless.

I had always longed to go to New York City. I loved that place, though I’d never set foot there. By September 2001, I still hadn’t gone to visit. I wouldn’t go until 4 years later, when Ground Zero was a large hole in the ground surrounded by a chain-link fence with tributes to the lost. We stood outside the fence and looked at the open wound of the attack and felt lost, alone, small, and empty.

I have thought many times about that day, what would have been my fate, for instance, had I lived in NYC and worked in one of the two towers. Speculation doesn’t do anything, though, truly. I wonder if God would have warned me to stay home, if He would have delayed me, if I would have already been off that day, or if I would have been there with my co-workers and perished. I wonder what floor I would have worked on and if I would have been able to evacuate safely with others that I had worked with, knew, and cared for. I wonder if I would have been in the second tower and had heard of the plane hitting the first tower and if my gut would have exploded with warning that I would have heeded, or would I have ignored it, with the voices of others telling workers to remain, that it was fine. Time was short, however, between the two planes. All my speculation is moot, because I can’t even fathom any of it.

Here I sit, hundreds of miles away, and I can’t fathom the pain and the loss of those directly affected, whether they live in the areas of attack or they lost someone. I can’t imagine it. I just can’t. I can’t see them going to work today and thinking, remembering, reliving that day, considering the darkness that spread over America by the shadow of terrorists. I can’t tell them that I understand, because how could I possibly understand? When the imagery and the loss and the grief became too overwhelming for me, at my selfish age of 21, I just turned off the t.v. and opened a book. But, living there, losing someone, you can’t just turn it off, you can’t just walk away and forget, and what about forgiving and healing, is that even possible?

My mom turned on the t.v. for me. I worked part-time as a city pool clerk at the time and I was working the outdoor pool, which was preparing to close up for the winter. My shift wasn’t starting until later that morning. My mom headed back upstairs to get ready for work while I watched smoke pour out of the top of the tower. Black, evil smoke. I just stared at it. I can’t recall the words of the newscaster, but I can clearly, clearly, clearly see the second plan approach and hit the second tower. I cried out to my mom as my soul tore and my heart broke. What was going on? But, I knew. We all knew. We suspected, I’m sure, with the first plane, but when the second plane came into play, we knew and we couldn’t deny it any longer.

I was stunned, I recall, as I watched. Completely flabbergasted. How could this happen? And then, the Pentagon was hit. I remember going to work, though I think part of me hoped the world would just stop and take a minute to gather itself together, but it doesn’t happen. One of the lifeguards brings a small t.v. to the pool office and we watch the unfolding news, learning of Flight 93 and the heroics of those passengers and crew, preventing the terrorists from carrying out another attack at the Capitol. Though the attack was never carried out for that third plane, there was still loss in the lives of the passengers and crew and terror swept the land.

A co-worker made a rash comment about the events and didn’t concern herself with the loss and the tragedy. As I’ve said, miles away, it’s easy to disconnect, especially in safety. We see it every day in regards to all the things that ISIS is doing and all the genocide and mass murder occurring all over the world. We are so far away, so detached, that we think nothing of it as we go about our days. Truly, in some regards, we must, for those moments of sadness that overtake my soul would be constant and I couldn’t go on because of them if I was aware and monitoring all the evil in this world. Her comment, which I don’t recall exactly, alluded to the fact that these attacks were deserved. A patron, upon hearing this, defied my co-worker as my fellow co-workers had done, too, and told her that she was insensitive and cruel. The patron proceeded out to the pool Later, when she was leaving, my co-worker apologized to the patron. “I have friends in NYC,” she said. “I just wasn’t thinking and I didn’t realize and I’m sorry for what I said.” The patron, of course, accepted the apology. Life moved on.

For many hours and days, we were haunted. Churches were the fullest they’d ever been, as people flocked to spiritual places for peace, comfort, and answers. My pastor wasn’t a compassionate soul at the time, so when we were in our spiritual house, there was no comfort offered from him, no prayers or words of solace, and on Sunday, he berated the people that flocked to churches and condemned them. He stated that it would fade and die away and the churches would be just as they were before. He was right on that one point, but not receiving guidance or solace from my spiritual headship was devastating to my own ability to come to grips with death of this magnitude.

Today, it occurred to me that the darker the night, the brighter the light that shines forth. We saw, in the days, weeks, months, and years, great lights shining forth. We, as Americans, have taken the time each year to pause and to remember and to reflect. Though we have moved into new arenas and we have continued to tell God that He isn’t wanted in our country, though the churches have returned to business as usual and many have lost their lampstand, accepting culture as truth and ignoring God’s word, we still see beacons of light in this land of ours.

The number of people that gather at local memorial services of 9/11 has slowly been dwindling. Yet, despite this, we can see that thousands still remember, still stand, still share their stories, grief, and hope with others. We see that thousands still gather for the tolling of the bells and the reading of the names of almost 3,000 people who died on that day in 2001. They carry mementoes of their family members and friends and co-workers, those who lost their lives, and they take the time to thank the first responders, then and now, for all their sacrifices.

Others may not turn out, may not view and share social media posts and videos, may not watch the news this day or read the paper, but choose to remember alone or with loved ones, giving their own moment of silence, their own quiet reflections on the day that we changed forever as a nation. We face the loss in our own way, we choose to remember, to never forget, the day that terror shook our nation to the very core and heroes arose from the ashes and darkness to shine their light and lead the way to safety, hope, life, and closure.

We then saw another tragedy when the people were horribly murdered during the Benghazi attack on September 11, 2012. This can be buried in the midst of the mass murder of thousands on American soil in 2001, but we must recall that these were Americans on American soil overseas. The Temporary Mission Facility/Consulate in Benghazi was attacked and four men, who had pleaded for protection and help weeks, days, hours prior to the attack, were viciously murdered. J. Christopher Stevens, Sean Smith, Tyrone Woods, and Glen Doherty gave up their lives on that day and the Benghazi Select Committee inquiries continue even now into why.

Wasted time leads to the death of Stevens and Smith, but Woods refuses to leave those under attack trapped helplessly until death. He leads a team to rescue them, but the fight follows them. No response from our government and only bribery manages to save the survivors. Woods and Doherty die on the roof during the evacuations due to a mortar attack. The father of Tyrone Woods spoke out about this today, saying that he will not let this atrocity slip quietly into the pages of history. “I really thought there were two ways to do a cover. One is misinformation, and that is what they have done,” Woods said, referring to the administration. “And the other is by the passage of time. It no longer becomes relevant and gets swept up under the rug.” (quote ref. http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2015/09/10/on-eve-anniversary-benghazi-attack-father-dead-american-vows-not-to-let-this/)

It is extremely easy for this event to fall through the narrow cracks of awareness and attention, occurring on the same day as the massive attack of 9/11 eleven years later. Government cover-ups are assumed and answers are lacking and these four men are left without the justice that America craves. We crave the vindication of the Oklahoma City bombing on April 19, 1995 and the massive murder on September 11, 2001 and the injustice and hate that lead to four horrific murders on September 11, 2012. We desire to see the Sleeping Giant arise again, to be the power it once was. But, we have lost much of our power due to our collective backs being turned on God, the Sovereign and All-Powerful Creator.

We sit, impotent, not trusting in the government, not fully giving into fear, but feeling it daily, with active shooters and child abusers, with domestic and animal abuse, with Islamic radicals and unchecked borders, with anti-God sentiment and anti-Semitism on the rise daily. We try to pick up the pieces still left from the darkness shattering our world, but find that many still destroy America while others try to rebuild it. The accusations pile up, as POTUS takes a fundraiser vacay the very next day and news of the YouTube video that caused the rage rises to the surface. Today, we still deal with the backlash of hidden e-mails from H. Clinton and the screaming voices shouting, “Cover-up! Government involvement!”

Can we build when there is mistrust and blame? The Bible tells us that a house divided will fall. (Mark 3:25) America is divided. No, America is shattered. There aren’t two sides anymore. There are race wars, there are religion wars, there are rights battles, there is anarchy. There are cities that have spiraled so out of control that the violence is expected. In the wake of believed police brutality, whole towns are ripped apart by riots and looting. With our own hands, we destroy ourselves. With our own hands, we destroy each other. And then we blame everyone and everything else that we can lay ahold of to blame.

Yet, men and women still stand in the gap, in uniform and out, and place themselves in harm’s way to preserve our freedom and to protect us all. Wars still wage, infanticide still runs rampant on our soil, genocides still occur, and terrorism still exists, yet here in America, we find ourselves stronger than we would have been had darkness never touched our soil. We learn to appreciate those with us now, those we love, and we learn to count the cost of living our lives. Kindness shows itself in amazing ways and places, despite the destruction that threatens to overwhelm and overtake us all.

It is easy to be overwhelmed by sorrow and sadness, especially in these dark days. After watching a video about the 300 service dogs that worked Ground Zero, and the one that lost his life when the second tower fell, I began to weep, only to see a video about breaking news, that a crane collapsed in Mecca, falling on the Grand Mosque, killing at least 107 people and injuring more than 238 and that is when I asked God, “What can we do?”

“The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from great destruction. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him.’ The Lord is wonderfully good to those who wait for Him and seek Him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord. For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion according to the greatness of His unfailing love.” Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32 (NLT)

We trust in Him and we rest in His mercies, new every day, given to us so that we aren’t overwhelmed by sorrow, by loss, by fear, doubt, and grief. He is mighty to save and He will never fail. We look to Him, the Author and Finisher of our faith, and we trust, trust, trust. We place our lives in His hands and know, that even on the darkest of days, His light will always shine, His presence will always comfort, and His hand will always reach out to take ours, to steady us, to hold us, to guide us.

And that is how we can face the loss, the darkness, and the sorrow the evil of this world brings forth. For He is our deliverer and He is coming.

“Look, he is coming with the clouds,” and “every eye will see him, even those who pierced him”; and all peoples on earth “will mourn because of him.” So shall it be! Amen. Revelation 1:7, NIV

Hephzibah

His delight is in her

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