It’s Vague, but True

Working with the fire department in any capacity, you begin to look at fire in different ways, new ways. You see careless representations of fire on t.v. or at the movies and you shake your head, thinking of all the impressionable and, let’s face it, foolish people that imitate what occurs, ultimately to property loss, bodily harm, and sometimes, death. You see campfires differently, see the attraction of fire to kids differently when sitting around said campfire, and you process the safety of the blaze as it grows and as kids and adults thrown things into it randomly in a wholly different way than your family.

I think it is the same with Christianity. In the beginning, on the highs of being set free and redeemed, you see the world as a place where you can go out and draw people to the well of living water. You can feel the joyous addictive qualities of belonging to Jesus Christ, of being set free from the burden and weight of sin you’ve been carrying around your entire life. You want to let others know and draw them to Christ and have them come on the amazing journey with you. You are in a bubble at this time, a protective fortress exists around you, and Christ is there, watering you and encouraging you to grow in Him and to draw close to Him. You have ideas and you want to do so many things, be involved in everything your church is doing, seeking to find a place to serve in ministry as soon as possible. It’s a great place to be.

Eventually, the solid walls turn to a leafy hedge and life invades and you still trust in Christ, yet you’re facing challenges and you’re beginning to see the world through the eyes of understanding. In this stage, we find many of the overzealous sin management personnel. It’s here that the Christian decides that sin is evil, because it is, and even though the Christian still sins, they are under grace, and so they feel that they can instruct others on the dangers of sin. The truth of the matter is that what these Christians are doing is okay…within reason. It isn’t completely off-base or bad for a Christian to point out the truth of God’s word. The error lies in the misunderstanding of what love really is and what it really means for iron to sharpen iron, what judging truly is, and what speaking the truth will cost…especially when love and compassion and grace are not included in the truth arsenal. This is where many Christians are labeled as hypocrites and where they can do greater harm than good overall. Sometimes, a Christian will get stuck here. Many have. They remain in this realm, ready and eager to manage sin and point out faults. Thankfully, most Christians mature and move beyond this place.

Some Christians choose to settle in this new arena of grace and “just don’t sin in front of me and we’re good.” Here is the realm of compromise. We’ve all been there. We’ve all chosen things that, earlier on, we cut out and now believe to be inconsequential or not as deadly as they once were. For instance, this is the area where many Christians feel that they can drink or smoke or use drugs or fornicate and it’s fine because, hey, grace, and because they are much more “mature” now and can do all things in moderation and with control. Here we see the Christians that will use foul language for shock value, to fit in and be hip, or just because they can. Here we see the believers that, while still saved and still profess to be so, look so much like the world around them that Christianity in its watered-down form begins to look appealing to the most foul of sinners…but not for the truth of salvation, but rather for the lax and excused sin lie of many Christians.

Eventually, Holy Spirit gets the attention of these lukewarm followers and calls them into the passionate living as a part of the body of Christ, knowing ones gifts and abilities and place in the body of Christ and actually acting in the role that God has given them. It is here that there is no gossip or vying for attention, no back-biting and longing to have what others have been given. This is the productive Christian, the one that can see the world with eyes of grace, can be relational and reach out to others on that basis alone, and can engage with people inside and outside of the church. This believer knows that Jesus lives and is not ashamed to speak His name or live the boldly, passionate life that mirrors His. These Christians speak truth and admit to their own shortcomings, not with excuse, but with understanding that no one is perfect this side of Heaven. These are the ones that shine brightly in the darkness, because they are not adding to the darkness, but they are also not smothering other lights under petty offenses and jealousies. These are the ministry leaders and helpers that run the race encouraging others along, knowing that the goal is not to win the race against the others, but to win the race all together.

Alongside this place, there is a deeper calling to fall in love with Jesus Christ and leave the standard misrepresentation of the word “love” behind forever. Even fewer still will cross that boundary. There is something intense about being in love with Christ. It consumes your life and makes things completely different than they once were. It’s addictive and you begin to crave Him, crave time in prayer and reading His word, crave time in worship and the short bursts at church are never enough, so you create your own praise atmosphere at home. You begin to see others with eyes of love and find that compassion springs up from the wellspring within you very easily. You cannot simply drive down the streets of your town anymore. There is too much at stake to not be actively engaged in your prayer life and in your community. You find that you can encourage and pray for people without hesitation and you can feel a great deal of love constantly in your heart. This isn’t perfection. It’s a new level of walking with the Lord and one very few experience.

I can’t say where I currently am. I can say where I’m being called to and I’m sure you can see yourself in one of these areas. We are all being called to a deeper love relationship with Jesus Christ and that is what truly matters. Can you hear Him calling you to a deeper life with Christ? I can. In fact, a few weeks ago, Jesus showed Himself to me in real terms and said, “I’m coming for you.” Much as the Bridegroom comes for His bride, Jesus comes to the garden and calls us to come out and meet with Him. Are we like the Shulamite, refusing to answer the door when He knocks, due to our own comfort? In the end, she was out where she shouldn’t have been, due to her refusal, and found herself abused by the world. Is that where you’re headed in this journey? Refusing Him and ending up wounded and harmed and seeking Him in the wrong places? It happens to many of us. I’d say even all of us.

But, what if we didn’t do it this time? What if we leapt to our feet and threw wide the doors and let Him in? It would be like Song of Songs tells us, a sweet uniting and a strong protection that cannot be overcome. It would be the fiery seal of love that cannot be quenched. Dare you open that door this time? Dare you let Him in deeper? Dare you get to know Him fully so that you may fall in love with Him at last?

Dare I do so? I’ve been there. I’ve been in love. And fear and shattered relationships and brokenness have led me away from that place, to hide within the garden walls and keep the door securely locked. I do not even venture out to be harmed, either. Safe in my little room, I keep myself well-hidden and well-protected from all that would cause me harm, and in so doing, I allude to the fact that Jesus is one of the ones to harm me. But, He isn’t. Nor would He ever be. The harm that comes from the hands of others can lead to a cold resistance to Christ. Yet, as we see in Song of Songs, that is foolish. There is no one that loves us more than He does. We should be able to run to Him and be healed.

I need to stop standing in my room afraid to open the door. He’s coming. He’s told me He is. I need to be able and willing and yearning to let Him in. By the end of her refusal, she is eager to let Him in, but the moment has passed. There will be other moments, of course, but that moment is gone and the harm that follows could have been avoided. Here He comes now. Be ever watchful for the moment when He is coming to knock upon your door and seek to be let in…because He is, in fact, coming and time is very, very short.

‘Tis The Season

We know that there are seasons in our lives. Mainly, we do not think of them beyond Spring, Summer, Winter, and Fall. Yet, now, I feel that we have arrived at the season of grieving.

Ecclesiastes 3 says: There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,

A right time to kill and another to heal,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain,

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,

A right time to shut up and another to speak up,

A right time to love and another to hate,

A right time to wage war and another to make peace. (verses 1-8, MSG)

 

I find that there is a definite heaviness to all that is happening in our world right now. The massacre in Orlando, the shooting death of a family in New Mexico by the father, the shooting death of The Voice singer, the death of the 2 year old…and the politics that are swarming in and callously pushing their agendas. Where is the compassion and the empathy? The thing is that no one even pretends to care anymore.

Social media has placed us in a place of cold distance, a place to be a bully and to be abusive, to call names and to gossip. I am ashamed to admit that it still hurts me deeply that a family member called me a bigot. I can be a strong force for what I believe, yet the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse is not needed. I never said you have to agree with me. It would be great to feel loved, though.

We see an amazing outreach online, as well. Times of compassion and genuine love. I think that is the only reason that the internet and social media can still be as popular as it is. The Bible tells us that a soul can survive when a body is sick, but no body can survive a broken soul. That is so true.

I have wept a great deal of late. I have thought about the loss experienced by so many, the fear that takes hold of hearts and minds, the trauma that comes in the aftermath, the healing, the struggle…yet, life. Seasons. Why are we in a season of grieving?

Truly, America and most churches have left the Word of God and have begun to do whatever feels good in the moment. While we’ve allowed sin to prosper and grow without concern, we are seeing two extremes: the love and accept everything mantra and the hate-filled and anti-Christ screaming. In between, however, are the ones that are trying, trying so desperately, to live love and speak truth.

Our hearts are heavy, our minds are plagued, our souls are wounded, and the world continues to spiral into ungodliness. We actually expect this because God’s Word tells us this is the way it must go as we draw nearer and nearer to the return of Christ.

But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I’ve had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he’s left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he’s coming or going. I’ve decided that there’s nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That’s it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It’s God’s gift. (Ecclesiastes 3:9-13, MSG)

Solomon reached a place where he despaired of life. Why? Because he had it all! He was wise and wealthy beyond measure. He was feared and adored. He was king and he had royalty from other lands coming to him for guidance and bringing gifts to him. He built the Temple of the Lord. He had many wives and hundreds of concubines. He had peace and victory. Yet, his soul was in turmoil. Why? Because he wasn’t focused on God anymore. He had turned his attention to the temporal pleasures of this world and the above portion of Scripture shows the depth of despair that filled his heart.

This world is seductive and the devil wants nothing more than for us to live in the dredges of morality so that we are bound by shame and sin and temptation. 2 Timothy 3:1-9 says, “Don’t be naive. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck-up, profane, contemptuous of parents, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, savage, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They’ll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they’re animals. Stay clear of these people. These are the kind of people who smooth-talk themselves into the homes of unstable and needy women and take advantage of them; women who, depressed by their sinfulness, take up with every new religious fad that calls itself “truth.” They get exploited every time and never really learn. These men are like those old Egyptian frauds Jannes and Jambres, who challenged Moses. They were rejects from the faith, twisted in their thinking, defying truth itself. But nothing will come of these latest impostors. Everyone will see through them, just as people saw through that Egyptian hoax.” (MSG)

Essentially, and more powerfully, we are living in a world that is “holding to a form of [outward] godliness (religion), although they have denied its power [for their conduct nullifies their claim of faith].” (AMP, verse 5) This is what we’re seeing lived out this very day. And it’s getting worse.

Matt Walsh wrote a blog that encouraged Christians to stand. Even in the midst of all that goes on, we need to stand. We don’t need to stand the way that Westboro Baptist Church chooses to stand, by attacking anyone and everyone, but rather we need to stand as Christ stood, declaring God’s truth, living with joy, and being obedient to the Word of God. We need to stand for what we believe and live for what we believe.

It is far easier to just shrug our shoulders and go with the flow. Even dead fish flow downstream. People may wonder why it matters so much, and the reason is simple and sound: eternity. It matters because it isn’t just the here and now…it’s forever. It’s eternal. There is much more at stake than feelings and temptations. We are talking about the soul that lives on forever…either in the presence of God or eternally separated from Him.

Consider that we have never, ever experienced a day without feeling the presence of God. He is everywhere. He is all around us. He is in us and flows through us. There has never been a day when He has abandoned us. We have no concept of the torture we would face on the other side of this life, when we are truly separated from God and His presence since we rejected His one and only Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus felt this separation for us on the Cross, when He cried out, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” In that moment, He felt the true separation from God because in that moment, He took our sin and penalty upon Himself. All at once, He felt the separation that sin creates between unholy people and a holy God. Even with this, I don’t believe that He experienced the ultimate separation that those who die in their sins ultimately feel.

God is calling us to turn from our wicked ways and repent. We cannot expect the nation to do so. The sign of the times are glaringly obvious. Yet, we must do so as the Bride of Christ, as the church, as followers of Christ. We must set aside our approved of sins and align our lives under God, bringing our flesh under control, and presenting our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and acceptable to Him (Romans 12).

“I’ve also concluded that whatever God does, that’s the way it’s going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God’s done it and that’s it. That’s so we’ll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear. Whatever was, is. Whatever will be, is. That’s how it always is with God.” (Ecclesiastes 3:14-15, MSG)

 

A Real Man

It’s your fault I’m single.

That being said, you probably don’t care, and that’s okay. Consider, for a moment, how annoyingly stupid this world is becoming. Christians justify fornication and adultery and even forward women making the first move on men for dates and marriage. Ha, I say. Ha and double ha. Keep holding your breath, you foolish men!

Why am I so snarky today? I don’t know. I can’t really say, except that today I had a moment of startling desire that rose up in me and made me see that I am doomed to be single forever, for a real man is the only one that could win me over, and, seriously, there are few that exist. This would be no real disappointment for me, in truth, because I’ve decided that I love being single and would love to remain so, but there is this little detail that I cannot escape, if I want to do God’s will, and so it sometimes distracts me and, yes, irritates me. Like today.

We see the insanity of “Christian” men using the book of Ruth to say that women should pursue men. What the crap? Talk about taking liberties with the Word of God. Seriously, if the “man” (using that term lightly here) that God has for me is waiting for me to flirt like Delilah and make the first move, we’ll never be married.

Never.

Because I am NOT the man. I am NOT the head of the household. I am NOT the spiritual leader. I am NOT the one holding the power. And, if that is what you’re looking for, then have your Delilah’s and go away.

Ruth was not a forward wanton woman (you will not believe the word I wanted to use here!). She did not go to Boaz’s bed like Delilah went to Samson’s. Boaz approached her first in kindness and strong morals and Ruth reciprocated in the same way, according to the customs of the people she chose to take as her own, under the guidance and instruction of Naomi, her mother-in-law. So, “men” (once again using it lightly), if you’re sitting on your little boy throne and waiting for the princess to approach you, wait on, because the forward women in the Bible were also the ones that led to the downfall of their men and their families.

Real men. Bah! Show me!

Friends

For about 6 months, Holy Spirit has brought me back to this subject over and over again. Even today, as I thought about it again, I thought about David and Jonathan and how their friendship was so unique. Even thinking about Ruth and Naomi, who changed the typical mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship into something so moving and powerful. Whenever I think of friends and friendship, I’m always trying to figure out why this is such a difficult thing in the lives of believers. I think, in part, it is due to our not really understanding what friendship is and knowing what we truly want in our relationships. Here is what I have discovered today.

..

I was thinking yesterday, for reasons untold, that I have never been able to be accepted into the pastoral inner-circle at any of the three churches I’ve attended in my young life. No matter how hard I’d try, I was just never good enough (in their eyes) to be accepted. At least, that’s how I looked at it.

Yesterday, though, I saw it a little differently and realized that my singleness is a hindrance in this area, and for good reason. I don’t hold it against the pastor or his wife of any of the churches I’ve attended. I just realized that there couldn’t be a strong friendship there because I don’t have a spouse.

Now, before people get all up in arms and say it doesn’t matter, I’m going to state that it does. There is a verse in the Bible that says that we shouldn’t even have a hint of immorality in our lives. Not even a hint. (ref. Ephesians 5:3). So, a single gal spending a great deal of time with a pastor in a friendly way, well, that would definitely offer that hint and we all must be concerned about how we appear to others, because we are the representatives of Christ. That matters, though many in this day and age would willingly and gladly spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex and not give it a second thought. My calling of radical purity changes everything for me. That’s just the way it is.

So, I would protect myself and my pastor and his wife from any appearance of immorality by not being overly friendly or attempting to become closer to them without the reciprocal spouse to go golfing with the guys. I hope this makes sense. I feel like I’m rambling. But, stay tuned.

I posted a query on a Christian forum and chatted with a few folks. However, today, as I was reading one response, she was stating how she couldn’t find things to talk about with other women in the church. At one point, she mentioned the topic of talking about God, and how that isn’t really of interest in the church, and it was then that it hit me.

See, it isn’t so much that I need to be rubbing shoulders of the leader of our church, his wife, the worship team and all the inner-circle hierarchy that exists in churches, but rather it’s that I crave a form of friendship that is not offered. I just isn’t.

Because many consider that focusing on God all the time is too much focus on God. And that is what I desire to do.

Many years ago, I’d guess about 6 or so, I went on this amazing spiritual journey. It pains me to think about it because I let it go. But, I learned that there was a difference between loving Christ and being in love with Him…and that difference changes everything! At this time, God strategically brought five of us young gals together, 5 women that would never be friends in a million years. The youngest was a senior in high school, the eldest was around 33 or so at the time, I believe. One was married, one had been married, two had children, and two of us had none of these things. Yet, there we were, on fire for Christ in a way that, looking back, blows my mind.

What did we do? We became consumed with Him. And because of that, we had amazing friendships, amazing fellowship and powerful worship. The revelations I received at that time, including the first official calling to purity as my ministry, were staggering. We would literally meet after work each day to pray and worship together before we’d go to church to pray. At the time, our church met every single day, except for Mondays and Saturdays. We five met with an older woman on Monday nights, growing and delving and discovering some amazing things.

The world, of course, took its toll and compromise set in and marriage died and was reborn again and sin was returned and things crumbled and attitudes changed and jealousy set in and pride overtook compassion and life became a struggle and people became too busy and relationships began dying…because Christ wasn’t first, you understand? Our glue, the very foundation of our unlikely friendships, was Christ. The minute we changed our focus and became more social than spiritual, our lives imploded.

Betrayals came and loss and tears and relationships shattered beyond repair. Darkness encroached and fear settled in and dread took over and spiritual abuse became apparent. The move of Holy Spirit was stopped and judgments were made and worship was stifled and hearts were broken and one day I just couldn’t walk through those doors any more. I didn’t have the strength within me to step through those doors, even though I’d purposely left my Bible and notebook there so I’d have to return. Even that pull wasn’t strong enough.

It was over and it was done and an e-mail arrived late that night where I was called a liar and my heart was shattered and I lost everything I had built since I was 15 years old…all gone, all lost, a couple of weeks shy of turning 30. Yup. It was a dark time.

Later, since I won’t go into details of the shunning and such, I was uninvited from a wedding a day before it was to take place and the shattering of my soul was complete. Without realizing it, I became very cynical and after a couple of years, my pastor at the time, Pastor Carl, told me that I had to realize that God didn’t betray me, and I had to release the ladies from judgment. So I did. I’m still healing. There’s still the self-preservation wall erected. My worship is still stifled. I still have no deep friendships. But, I love Christ and I will heal.

That, folks, is the background and is more than I’ve ever shared online regarding this. So, now to the point.

Today, upon reading about how people in churches want that social friendship, not the spiritual, I had a revelation. My idea of friendships is what I once had, the coming together to worship and share and pray and grow and read God’s word. Yes, we still went out and did random photo shoots and yes, we went to the mall and dinner and celebrated each other’s birthdays with relish and fun, but the majority of our time was spent reading God’s word, offering spiritual encouragement and advice, worshiping, growing, praying…falling in love with Christ.

I keep thinking how I don’t need others to have that deep relationship with Christ again, and this is true, yet God never intended for us to run this race alone. He never intended for us to be friendless and frustrated and feeling out of joint and misplaced in the very church family He has called together. Yet, that is how I feel…and it’s not anyone’s fault. That is the truth of the matter.

How does one find a kindred heart in a world of superficial greetings and hellos? I wouldn’t even know how to begin. You must understand that the dynamic that formed the other friendship was so spiritual. We had no hand in it. It was Christ calling together a few young ladies to meet with a group of passionate young ladies from Yuma, AZ, to learn that there was more to Christianity than rules and church, that it truly is a relationship with the Lover of your soul. How was I even added to that group? I still don’t even know! Two of the women were sisters whose mom was best friends with the pastor and his wife for years and years and years. One of the others was the “adoptive” daughter of a couple that were also best friends with the pastor and his wife. The third young lady was best friends with one of the sisters. I had no ties to any of them.

How did God get the attention of the pastor and his wife to have me be blessed with that opportunity to taste what true friendship should be…so long as Christ was the center? I can’t even imagine. In fact, I never really thought of it until I was writing this blog just now. How did I get the chance to have my life forever changed?

For, you see, I can’t settle for less. All my worship now feel void and empty, but I can’t seem to return to that place of abandon when it comes to worshiping Him. Friendship is something I don’t even really pursue anymore. I guess I just don’t want to take the chance of getting hurt. Yet, the few friendships I have had, haven’t been as spiritually focused as my soul craves and, once again, I say that this isn’t their fault. It’s mine.

Because what I want and desire in the realm of relationships is so godly focused that it isn’t truly natural in the scheme of things, it isn’t what many seek out in friendships.

What does this have to do with the pastor and pastor’s wife friendship thing? Simply this: one would assume that that friendship would be more spiritual than social. And that is why I desire it more than others do, I think, because I crave that growth and revelation and worship and closeness that only Christ-focused friendship can bring.

And this is the revelation Christ gave to me today…now I await Holy Spirit to show me the next step, because revelations aren’t merely for clarity, but for action, and I must say, I’m looking forward to where Christ is leading me.

You say…

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Proverbs 18:21

I think we forget this most of the time.

I was thinking about wisdom today. Yes, many of us have that Christian wisdom in areas where others are lacking it and yes, it is God’s delight that we share that wisdom. Yet, how are we sharing it?

I have been thinking about this lately, mainly due to the recent visit I made to the ER. I’ve been having issues with my right leg for a few months. At one point, I thought I had a blood clot and I went to the ER and had lots of tests run. Recently, I found a small “ball” in my leg, midway up my shin, and so I went to the ER again and was completely and totally disregarded. The ER doctor spoke down to me, treated me like I was incapable of logical thought, and couldn’t even guess at what the ball was and frankly didn’t care that she had no clue what it was. Thousands of dollars paid by insurance and a copay out of my own pocket just to feel like a fool. Yeah. It bothered me.

How differently that day would have gone, how much more peace would have been offered, had I been treated like a human being, treated like I mattered, not like I was wasting the doctor’s time. Yet, that is how it felt. Like I was wasting her time.

Today, I saw a response on Facebook to a conversation I was having with another person. The minute I read it, I thought, “Ah, not the best way to approach this.” The response was firm and resolute, insistent that the person was seeking something out of God’s will and timing, and the responder alluded to the fact that they knew this to be true with 100% surety. As expected, the OP responded that they believed they could handle their own situation…leaving it unsaid that the person’s input was not needed. The door was shut, at that point, for the responder to speak into that person’s situation with any wisdom.

Why? Because the words were sharp and authoritative, were posted publically and weren’t very helpful. When one is looking at a situation and feeling the bleakness of it, what right do we have to slap their faces with “reality”? I get that we must keep our loved ones grounded so they don’t fly off into some crazy cloud city full of unicorns and pots of gold, but crushing dreams outright is never a good thing.

It has happened to me often and I no longer have dreams. I just don’t. Trapped, listless and unsure, I walk forward in a fog of wonder, thinking that there is truly nothing to reach for. And that is where the ones being constantly corrected and crushed end up: dreamless.

Now, I do not presume to judge the responder. I just know how I would have responded if someone had posted that on my page, though I would have said it in my mind and found a non-committal response to post online. Yet, the response, much as the OPs response was, would have been fully intending to never allow that person to speak to me regarding my dreams and desires. Ever.

I don’t know what it is that made us forget the value of words and the value of kindness. It’s almost like we think we can slap people out of funks and stubborn, insistent dreams with words of fire. Yet, consider that when Christ speaks to us, when He pulls us from darkness and fantasy, it is always so kind, always so purposed, and never hateful. He makes you feel like the reason the dream is just a fantasy is because what He has for you is far better than anything you could attempt to achieve without Him. And He’s right. And maybe we can’t make others feel that way exactly, because we cannot say for sure what God has for them, but we can be kind in our directing, because we know that He has something for them, something greater than this world could ever offer, and that, in and of itself, is something to celebrate.

Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Proverbs 16:24

I think that we look at the lives of others, at their pain and suffering and angst, as trivial. As much as we hate to admit it, we see their public display of frustration as whining and foolish. We think that our lives have far more problems than theirs do and therefore, they should just suck it up. I mean, I suck it up every day and deal with the mess I’m dealt! So should they.

But, should they? I’ve been hearing many folks say lately that God doesn’t care what clothes you wear and that He doesn’t need to be involved in every choice of your day, because He gives us free will and we are to make our choices (not sinful choices, mind, but like what to eat and wear and such). Yet, I daresay that if you involved Him in all your decisions, your life would change drastically.

And that is why we don’t do it!

When God gets involved, a lot of distractions and petty things fall away. If you truly asked God if you should or shouldn’t eat something, what do you think He’d say? Sometimes He would say yes and sometimes He would say no. If you asked Him if you should watch t.v. or not, what do you think He’d say? I daresay that He’d say no every single time. Why? Because you could be using that time to be with Him or to be with others or to be His hands and His feet. It just makes logical sense. What about reading? I daresay it depends on the content and the need of the moment. If there is a need He wants you to fulfill here on earth, reading is a no at that moment, but not a no a half hour before bed…unless there’s a prayer that needs to be said. These are the things that we think are trivial but, when you look closely, you see that God really and truly does care and does want to be involved.

When I see someone posting sad posts, posts of woe and angst, posts expressing the frustration they feel as they collide with the walls blocking their dreams, I firstly point them to Christ and His perfect timing, and then I am available to give some avenues of advice, kindly showing them ways they can look at things differently, yet remembering that God’s timing is perfect. Full circle. What I don’t do is tell them to stop forcing things, to stop dreaming, to stop believing, because it’s not God’s will.

Some have the discerning to really and truly know if God is saying to wait or to stop or to go in regards to others lives, yet, not all of us do and we must be very careful in assuming that opposition immediately means that it isn’t God’s will. We must be very careful telling others our beliefs over God’s truth. Does one pray and ask God if it is specifically His will at this time for the person? Not always. They just assume that since it is so difficult and such a place of frustration for the person, it surely can’t be God, and so they state so.

Yet, consider David. It was God’s will that David be king of Israel. God had David anointed as such long before David was known outside of his family. Yet, look at the opposition. Look at it and know that it was God’s will all along that David be king, yet if one looked from the outside, they would have told him he was foolish to believe in such a thing. Yet, Jonathan knew that David was called and supported him, even when David had to flee for his life before King Saul.

Consider Joseph. Dreams told him that his brothers and father would bow to him. Look at the opposition he faced, from his own family regarding his dreams, from his brothers as he was sold into slavery, from his employer as the man’s wife attempted to seduce him, from the prisoners he helped realize the truth of their own dreams. Looking from the outside, Joseph had no chance at greatness. Yet, it was God’s will for him to save Israel and his own family. It just took awhile for it to happen.

God’s timing isn’t like our timing and His ways are not like our ways. Consider Isaiah 55:8: “For My thoughts are not Your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.

We begin to think that we know what God wants in every single life. The one thing that we know for sure that He wants in every single life is that they choose Christ and be saved. The rest is between God and the individual. As I said, there are those that Christ will reveal things to so that they can speak wisdom and guidance into a situation, but don’t assume that because many people face a certain situation, that you know the outcome for each person to be the same thing. To some, God says to wait. To others, He says that He has something else in mind. And yet to others, He says to fight through the opposition and receive the growth and the dream at the other side.

God tells Jeremiah, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (ref. Jeremiah 29:11) Notice that God knows. He doesn’t say, “I’ve told Frank down the hall my plans for you.” Nope. God knows.

Now, I’m not at all saying that we shouldn’t listen to others who give sound advice and godly wisdom. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t speak and sometimes even speak censure in regards to the dreams of man, yet we must be aware of our words. We can open up a door to speak that wisdom or close a door that leads the person to rush into something or force something that isn’t truly God’s will or plan for them.

How does one know? Well, one prays, that’s how. One seeks out God and His words and they don’t just offer up their canned and frustrated responses in order to rein the person in. It isn’t our job to rein them in. It’s our place to hear them and be empathetic and offer Biblical wisdom and advice. It is our place to pray for them and with them and to encourage and edify them. If they are running toward a sinful thing, then, yes, by all means, urgently seek to keep them from harm, but when it comes to non-sinful dreams and longings and desires, don’t crush the tender soul, but seek ways to be encouraging and helpful while guiding them to the patient place of waiting on God.

Because, more than teachers, we need friends and sometimes that what it all boils down to. Be my friend. Be my Jonathan. Help me see that my dreams, even if not reached this year or next, are not bad things and that one day I will see them come to fruition, in God’s timing and according to His will.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29

Purity and me

How do I feel right now? I don’t even know, truly. I consider many things whenever I even think of writing a blog, whether that writing will ever see the light of day online or not.

My pastor spoke about how we present our lives online with filters. How many times have I thought I was being fully honest in my blogs? In truth, it was a filtered version of honesty…and that’s okay. You don’t need to know everything about me, everything I’m feeling or thinking or wanting. So, to filter what you post is truly okay in that regard.

Yet, I feel this unsettled stirring in my soul and I can’t put my finger on why. I think of many things, such as my self-imposed isolation, my struggle to return to the place where I once was with Christ, the fight that is now required for true Christians to stand for the word of God and not back down, the feeling of not belonging and not fitting in at work or at church, the uncertainty about the future, the uncertainty about what I’m supposed to be doing and where I’m supposed to be doing it, the desire to break through the ceiling, yet refusing to do anything to bring that about, feeling trapped and, well, frankly, worthless.

So, I temper all these things with the filters, because the angst we feel in our souls isn’t often understood by others, so they either verbally slap you in the face in an attempt to snap you out of it or they attempt to pacify you with words that you’ve heard a thousand times before or they truly try to counsel you and end up talking more about their lives than helping you with yours, and that is just natural. When you look at the options, you consider the silence to be worth more than the expression of your feelings of loss and your struggle to be defined when you’re sitting back on you haunches instead of running full tilt toward all that God has for you to do.

Let me start by saying that I know what God has called me to. I am one of the ones that is blessed to know their gifts and their call with absolute surety. Yet, what comes out of that for me, is a strange unwillingness to step forward. Too many ideas circulate around me and I am surrounded by possibility and I just sit and stare. I don’t know where to begin, I don’t know what to do, I really don’t. It can be an overwhelming task, in truth, but it is also something I can’t escape. So, while I’m sitting there considering my options, I’m fully aware of the loss of time. I see Christians living impure lives on so many levels, from the inappropriate speech to the outright act of fornication or adultery, and yet, who am I that I could come and speak on radical purity, especially since the church rejects it outright and won’t even address purity, or lack thereof, from the pulpit?

It still haunts me to this day, when I spoke with a woman at my former church, a woman that I thought would be very receptive of the call God had for me…for all of us, in truth. A call to purity and holiness that surpasses the subpar standards of today’s believers, yet when I spoke of it, she simply stated, “Well, that’s nice for you,” and I just stared. She did, after all, have a teenage daughter. Wouldn’t she desire this for her own flesh and blood? Nope. It’s good for me.

Rewind a great deal further to the first time God called me to the realm of purity and His desire for us. I approached my pastor and said that I’d like to lead the women on a study of purity. His response? He wanted to call in a pastor’s wife for another state to do the study, which never happened, of course, because I wasn’t good enough to lead the study.

Yet, at that moment, it was birthed in me, though reasonably tempered by the response, and that desire that started so simply as a longing for women to realize that they all had purity struggles, even as adults, and that they all could be safe in discussing, growing and healing, turned into the ministry Radical Purity, God’s Way.

I consider many things to be a part of purity. I used to call the ministry Purity, God’s Way, yet God showed me that most churches believe they are living pure lives and by the standards they claim, the stand of purity He’s called me to is so extreme that it can only be called radical. One day, after receiving such responses as I have from believers, I asked God if I was going a touch too extreme. His response? “No amount of purity is as deep as the purity of Christ.” He was not saying that we shouldn’t try or care. He was letting me know that no matter how extreme His call may seem to others, it only touches the purity of Himself and Christ and Holy Spirit…and we are, in truth, called to be holy as God Himself is holy. And isn’t that the point, after all? Aren’t we called to be set apart from this world, to live a life that is markedly different from that of this world? Yet, how many times have we caved to popular opinion knowing fully well what God’s word says?

Last night, I saw another religion claiming Christ and accepting same-sex marriage and as I shared the news on my page, I was reminded that for the very same sin we excuse and accept under the cheaply used word ‘love’ is the same sin that caused Love to be nailed to a Cross and die. How is it that we could have run so far from the solid foundation of God’s word? Many fear to be viewed as intolerant or uncaring or bigoted (that’s the big one now) or radically Christian. Yet, consider that Jesus confronted sin every single day. Why, then, do we consider ourselves greater and excuse sin every single day?

I don’t have the answers. All that I know is that I am allowed and called to disagree with sinful things and to speak the truth. This doesn’t mean that I hate the person sinning. In truth, though many refuse to see it this way, to allow their sin to go unchecked and words unspoken is hating the person. Why? Because we are talking about eternity, forever, and where that person spends it.

We know that the Bible tells us that the wages of sin is death. We know that the Bible says that no one is holy, not a single person on this earth, and that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We know that priests would enter the Holy of Holies once a year with bells tied to their robes and a rope around their ankle, so that if they entered the presence of God with even a trace of unrepentant sin in their hearts, their dead bodies could be pulled out. Yet, we dare come before God in His perfection and righteousness and holiness with attitudes and sins and lies and plans and excuses on a daily basis, under the sloppy guise of grace. Some sins are so accepted now that they aren’t even considered sin anymore. Lying, for instance. We all do it. Whether it’s a lie about being busy when we’re not or a lie about stealing something, we all lie. Someone asks if we’re mad at them and we are fuming inside but we lie and say we’re not mad. Someone asks if we’re okay and because we don’t want to get into a big discussion about our state of mind or the state of our soul, we lie and say we’re fine. Gluttony is another sin that is no longer seen as a sin. We even have a holiday where gluttony is encouraged and expected! We have bad attitudes, ingratitude, manipulating others to bow to our ideas and whims, we steal time from employers, we gossip under the guise of seeking prayer and sometimes we don’t even hide the fact that we gossip, we overeat and laugh about it, we lie, we watch celebrities and lust after men or women on the silver screen, we envy the lives of the rich and on and on and on. The acceptable sins of the people of God.

I am guilty of many of these myself. Let’s be honest. It’s ingrained in us right now. The only thing keeping me from being the glutton I once was is the surgery I had a few years ago. But even then, the spirit of gluttony wages itself in the mind. There is a link to food and social life and boredom and emotions that cannot be tempered, because we’ve learned to stuff them with food or entertainment or distraction, any distraction we can find. Because we haven’t learned how to face and process emotions in a godly way, we have mental disorders to label those who can’t or refuse to face emotions in a healthy way. We excuse our lack of control and prescribe medications. I believe many mental illnesses are a demonic spirit, whether inhabiting the person or oppressing them, but the emotionally uncontrolled ones, such as bipolar disorder, are all due to the inability or unwillingness to take responsibility for the emotions one feels and take an healthy approach to acknowledge and process how they feel.

The Bible has the answers to everything. It really does. Yet, how many Christians don’t believe it does? How many excuse things, saying that they must experience something in order to be empathetic with others? We have seriously lost touch with our holy God and His infallible word.

So many Christian “experts” write books to encourage singles in the realm of dating and marriage. The current trend is to encourage Christians to date for the sake of dating. They say that you can learn who you are and what you truly want by dating and dating and dating. Just go on a few dates, they say, and if you don’t like the person, move on. Yeah, because it’s that easy to move on when you get into a dating relationship. We know from those around us that many keep moving forward in a relationship because they believe that something good will come of it eventually. They connect and attach and become sexually involved. Even sharing hugs, cuddles and kisses does things to the chemistry of the body and the mind even if things never reach the bed level. So, they encourage Christians to try on shoes until they find the right pair, to purchase lottery tickets until they win. Dating is not shoe shopping and is not a $5 lottery ticket. If that is all your spiritual and emotional wellbeing is worth to you, you must return to the source and discover the price paid for your soul.

Rejection, worry, anger, fear, jealousy…and so many other things, are tied to fickle dating relationships. Why would one ever encourage someone to date for the sake of dating? Why wouldn’t the advice be to wait on the Lord and listen to His voice and trust that He knows who and when and where and how? Why does being single cause such unrest and fear in the hearts of believers? They act as though being single is a curse, as though leaving this world a virgin is the worse possible thing ever. Consider that Jesus was single and a virgin. Our Savior lived life as a single man in a culture of marriage. Why do we think that we must marry or be worthless? Why do we think we must date or we’ll never know who we are? That is madness.

Singleness is the time to focus on Christ and to truly discover who you are. When you are alone, that is who you are. So, if you’re dating thinking that’s going to help you determine who you are, you’re wrong. You just are. Because, you’re going to adapt to the person you’re with. It’s the law of relationships. Give and take, compromise, the things that actually makes relationships work. Choosing to get out there and date everyone that is interested, even more than one at a time (and, yes, there is at least one Christian book that suggests that you date multiple people at the same time, because I’ve read it, so I’m sure there are many others, too) is only going to lead to trauma, stress and emotional loss. Rejection feels a great deal stronger when you set yourself (and others) up for it on a steady and constant basis.

Consider also that many believe the women should pursue and ask out the man. Many men and some women are creating churches full of Delilah’s instead of Ruth’s. And, even some insist that Ruth was the instigator in the relationship/courtship with Boaz, when we plainly see that he approached her many times before her mother-in-law instructed her on the custom of the day in a land which Ruth was a foreigner. Warping God’s word so that men can be pursued and women the pursuers is evil. Women are not meant to be aggressive and pursue.

Ironically, men who are willing to have women pursue them, are deadest against women speaking or preaching to men. Double minded foolishness that is rampant in our churches because people do not take the time to study God’s word, pray and seek wise counsel.

..

I’m going to stop this blog here, because I can go on forever. What is funny is that I had intended to use this blog to talk about all the things that I’m struggling with within myself, yet God brought me here, to the place of purity, where I’m supposed to be focusing my time and energy and study. As I was writing this blog, I felt the understanding that it was focusing on radical purity, which wasn’t the intent, and I thought, “Well, I know what I’m supposed to do. Just get with it and do it.”

Sometimes we need a jumpstart to remind us that we have something we’re supposed to do and any attempt to ignore it just leaves us frustrated and God will always, always, always bring the willing heart back to the call He has designed them for.

All glory to God, all praise and thanks to Jesus Christ, for the patience and love that surpasses understanding. Thank You, Holy Spirit, for the fire that never extinguishes in the soul that belongs to Christ. Selah!

Free to Truly Worship

Are we?

I’m not anymore and it’s a dark spot in my life, especially since it was such a journey for me to become free to truly worship all those years ago.

Today, as I stood in my church, I thought, “I do want to be free to worship.” I began to weep because I still held back, still held back, still held back. Then, Holy Spirit showed me some things.

First, He showed me that night when He was given complete freedom to minister and move through me. Ironically, that was the night that led to the breaking and undoing of all that God had done. That was the night that led to me crying in the darkness, shattered to pieces, crying out to God. “What do You want, God? What do You want?”

I know now what He wanted. He wanted to be allowed to flow freely through me as He was doing. He wanted me to respond as Nehemiah responded and refuse to come down off the wall because I was doing what God wanted me to do. He wanted the Pharisaical spirit to be confronted and broken. Yet, that is not what happened.

What happened was relationships shattered where they had already weakened and a church was demolished and a leader failed morally and I became very, very cynical and distant.

And the last thing hasn’t changed.

I am cynical and I am closed off. I don’t know if that will change anytime soon. Today, at church, I apologized to Christ because I hadn’t realized that it still hurt that much. It does, though.

I have refrained from giving any details of what happened over 5 years ago. I will still not revisit that time. However, I will talk about the things Holy Spirit showed me today.

First, He showed me that night in the time of women’s worship, the last night that Christ was allowed to have His way under that leadership, the last time I felt free to truly worship. As we stood there, worshiping God, Holy Spirit had a word that He spoke through me and He told me, “Do not open your eyes. The minute you open your eyes, it will no longer be Me speaking through you. It will be you speaking.” The whole time, I kept my eyes closed. I don’t even recall the words, because it wasn’t me. It was Christ. All I can remember is that it was regarding worship, because worship matters. We sang and prayed and praised and left.

Later, I was corrected by an older woman at the church. When I pointed out that what I had said was right along the lines of what our pastor had said, she realized that her judgment was based on her not liking me, not on anything that Holy Spirit had said that night. But, the damage was done. She and her best friend and my friend went to the pastor and said that we were doing ungodly things and he told his wife, who was one of the leaders, that we could no longer share. We could just come together and pray and that was it. So, it ended.

And I died inside.

I called out to Christ and said, “Didn’t I do everything You asked me to do? Didn’t I do it right? I tried. I tried so hard to do it right, to not be prideful, to share the leadership roles with strong women of faith. Why did this happen?” Later, I told the pastor’s wife, who was crushed by her husband’s choice, too, that I’d done everything right, and she said, “So did Jesus.” It was then that I realized a startling truth.

Though I know now that I was obeying God and doing His will, and though I may have been doing my best, Jesus really did do everything right. Every single thing. And they still betrayed Him, denied Him, and crucified Him. Why would I expect anything less?

I kept saying that I almost broke that night before the ultimate end of it all. I literally felt on the edge of madness. I have never felt that way. Not before and not since. It is hard to explain. It felt like my mind could have snapped and I could have gone insane. Literally insane. The only reason that didn’t happen is because I was crying out to Christ, not in judgment or accusation, but in desperate pleading.

Later, He showed me that I did, in fact, break and that He was the one who broke me. He showed me that He had to break me in order to heal me, He had to break me in order to deliver me from the mentality of that place. He had to rescue me before the true end of it all came.

I lost a lot when I left. I lost every connection of that church. I lost all that I had spent time building there since I was 15 years old. All of it. Gone a month before I turned 30. I lost everything, even my freedom in truly worshiping. And that is what I miss the most.

Later this morning, Holy Spirit showed me a time when the women were gathered together to be ministered to by a guest woman speaker. We were all praying and a woman was playing random music on the piano. The pastor’s wife couldn’t be there, so the woman wasn’t playing songs that we could sing. She was just playing music while we prayed. I was in my early twenties or so, I think, and I hadn’t been freed to worship yet. The church was still whole, it hadn’t split yet. I hadn’t learned that I was free to worship above a whisper, to sing above the music, to let my voice rise like incense. Suddenly, as I prayed, I heard God tell me to sing. Terror filled my soul. I, eventually, told my mom that God was telling me to sing and that I needed her help. She said that she’d help me sing. And, after some time of thinking my heart was going to burst out of my chest if I kept denying Holy Spirit, I opened my mouth and I sang.

This is the song God wanted me to sing:

After I was done, and some women had joined in, the woman returned to the nondescript playing. Later, I asked my mom if she could even understand me, since I was crying so hard and had my hands over my face. She said the singing was clear. God is amazing.

There was much that took place from that singing to the leading, and much that has been locked away because of fear. And, despite it all, I still don’t feel free. I know I will, though, because God is urgently calling me to worship Him freely again. I just have to return to the place where I freely worship Him when I am alone, so that I can be free, again, when I am not alone.

Because I need to worship Him with all that I am or I will never break through the ceiling and reach a new level.

Into The Well…Or Not

I often state, mostly internally, that I have no friends. It is true.

This offends those that consider themselves my friends, and rightly so. I mean, if one believes that they call you friend, and you claim to have no friends, that is rather insulting, is it not? Though this is true, I would say that I have acquaintances, and those numbers are dwindling as well. So, what is the difference?

An acquaintance is defined as a person that you have met but do not know well while friend is defined as a person you know well and like a lot, but who is usually not a member of your family.

Wait, they cry, I know you well! We’re not just strangers greeting each other on the street!

While we may have conversations and common interests and we can spend time talking and delving and diving, there is more to the label friend than that, believe it or not. Consider the word “well” for a moment. Well is defined as “great degree; much or completely”. Wow. Completely? Yeah, no one is there, not even my mom. The only one that knows me truly and completely is God.

I can recall when I sat down with Pastor H. and spoke with him regarding my angst and he told me that I needed someone that knows me completely, someone other than my mom, and my heart plummeted into my shoes and he said, “Scary, isn’t it?” I confessed that it was, that my heart had fled my chest at the mere thought of it.

At that time, I had a friend, or so I thought, someone that I could finally turn to and confess all my hidden shames and secrets, all the bondages that held me for years, shamefully locked inside me. And, that night, we just happened to be spending time together, like we always did. We were together a lot. I find now, though, that we were never friends. I had fooled myself.

That night, as we drove, I was letting her know what Pastor H. had said. Consider that I was in my mid-to late twenties at this point. I have always been single with no prospects of marriage. This is not a gripe, this is just background information. Consider, also, that she and her family had once sat under the preaching of Pastor H. but had left under a brutal and dark church split and so did not like him at all. This latter truth may have tainted her response, but I doubt it. It was the lack of wellness of our relationship that did the most harm.

After I finished and I let her know that Pastor H. had stated that I needed a friend, without using that word, because, honestly, I thought I had a friend in her, she cut me off and said, “That’s what your husband is for,” Yes, I know that my husband should, and would, know me deeply and intimately, more so than any other would, but some of us will never marry. What then?

Needless to say, my words choked in my throat, my healing died in my soul, and I was left with a person that would never know me well.

Fast forward and know that I have never let anyone know me well. It took everything in me to confess my bondage to my mom one day and that was after I had been fully delivered and set free from the addiction that held me in its sway. Even now, though, it is talked of lightly and then moved past. No big deal. There is a thing that my mom doubts ever happened in my youth, she believes I have spent most of my life lying about it. So, you know, even then, there are things in my heart, soul and mind that she will never know. Yet, she does know me…just not well.

So, no, I do not have friends. I recall that for years I cried out to God for friends. Now, I don’t even care. I had a brush with friendship and that imploded. It is still too painful to write about. Will I ever be able to verbalize what once was? I don’t know, but truly, I don’t think so. There was so much there, so much coming and running and flowing and then it was killed off and that’s that. The wounds, yeah, they hurt but the deliverance hurt more. That led to other things. When God has to break you in order to heal you, yeah, you never want to be there.

So, back to friends, or lack thereof. Now, if you’ve read this far, you are actually either really peeved or completely understanding. If you are of the former, you are someone that knows me and considers me to be your friend and is affronted that I would still declare that I have no friends and if you are the latter, you either have friends that you value and truly know or you are as friendless as me. Sometimes, if someone is in relationships that feel like friendships, like I spoke a bit about above, they can disregard this with a sniff of the nose and a shrug of the shoulders. Your friendships haven’t been tried by fire. All of mine have and, trust me, they haven’t survived.

What do I mean by fire? Well, when your human flaws are bared, the ones you actually let show sometimes, and they drop you like a bad habit or walk away from you, you have not friendship. How can you? If a friend is supposed to stick closer than a brother, yet flees when they realize that there is a mess inside you, well, how can they be called your friend? My brother knows many of my failings and I know that he would still eat dinner with me, still spend time with me, even though we’ve ticked each other off. What friends in my life have been willing to do that? None.

So, no, I don’t have any friends, and this leads to a lot of things. God is telling me things constantly. David is His main picture. Friendship: David and Jonathan. Calling: David being king. Love: no concept…ha ha.

What is it, then, that is burning in my soul? When I hear the word “friend”, I immediately think, “I have no friends,” and today I said, “and I don’t care.” But, I must care, because why would the word wound me if I did not?

I don’t think that I don’t care, not truly. I think, rather, that I don’t see the possibility. I never did, in truth, because friendship, to me, is defined in such a way that no one in my life can meet its demands, except for Christ. Jesus, my Jesus, who truly knows this dark little broken woman, who fears a call so greatly she can’t bear to face it, who feels so alone in another call that she doesn’t pursue it, who sabotages her life constantly because of fear, yet longs, desperately, to be used by Him, to do as He wants, to teach and lead and edify, and yet sits in church and tries to fade, tries to blend and be invisible, all the while hoping that He, her truest friend, will call out to others, “Look at my wonderful and flawed friend! She is precious and she is Mine!” He says it to me…

In the same way that friendship with me is a higher standard than any would dare strive to meet, except Christ, marriage has very strict bounds, too, and those aren’t ruled by fear. I know what marriage looks like. I’ve seen the good, the bad, the ugly, and the lovely. I’ve seen the lasting and the broken and the shattered and the healed. This, of course, is all seen outside of it, but there is not a single honest married person that will tell you that life is sunshine and roses in married life. Life, in and of itself, isn’t sunshine and roses, yet in marriage, there is someone else to concern yourself with, someone else to consider, and so you’re adding another to the issues of life. Ugh. Marriage is a high calling. The church doesn’t say that anymore, but it’s true.

Marriage isn’t for the weak or the sexually starved. Marriage isn’t for those who want more money or a green card (because, trust me, at this point, the most appealing thing about marriage to me is the possibility that I will no longer have to work). Marriage is not for the child-desperate or the lonely. Nope. It’s for the dedicated and the passionate and the ones that need it. Need it. I don’t need it. But, ah, yes, there is more to the marriage need than I can state at this time. Suffice it to say, I do not burn with lust or passion or a desire to shake off the ‘virginity shackles’ that others persist about. Is dying a virgin truly a bad thing? Nope. But, I digress. There is more, and I won’t state it here, but yes, fear, because I know that I know that I know that marriage is a high calling and marriage is also a friendship.

If I can’t find friends on the level of normal life, why in all of creation would I welcome the possibility of marriage and the ultimate horror he will face when he sees me, when he knows me well, and he decides that the flawed person is not worth the high calling? And here you see why friendship matters so much in the eyes of Christ, why true friendship is supposed to be happening in our lives and why the devil has made it his personal mission to keep me from friends at all cost.

Because I am called to marriage.

Ugh, it hurts me to say it! It hurts my strong-willed and prideful soul to proclaim that I, Julie, am called to marry and to be a pastor’s wife and to do this because God wants it…because if He wants it, I can’t refuse Him. I can’t refuse my truest and dearest and only friend what He wants from me. No matter how fearful I am, no matter how long I struggle against the tide of solitary journeys, no matter how absent my address book is of friends, I can’t deny Him.

To be known well is terrifying. Once you understand that Christ’s love is not gauged by the light or darkness in your life (but I’m not saying to be evil), you can sit before Him with all your darkness and shame and fear and doubt and just be. But, who can you do that with that isn’t Him?

If no one comes to mind, you have no friends. You have acquaintances, people that you can go to movies with and be superficial with, people that you can have deep conversations with, yes, but you keep them out of your well. They will never know you.

Today, we live in a superficial place. Consider that all your acquaintances on Facebook are called ‘friends’. What a horrid misuse of the word! Yet, there it is. Most of these ‘friends’ have never met you face to face and only know what you show them on your wall. That’s fine. Don’t use social media as a blackboard of your heart. Just don’t. There are things that are not for public consumption…though you wouldn’t know that based on social media and Hollywood nowadays, but it’s true. Pearls before swine, dirty laundry on the line, all that jazz…

So, what is the point of this? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s helping someone come to grips with their own feelings, maybe it’s ticking a lot of people off…all I know is that God revealed some things to me, even as I wrote this. He showed me some things that I was content to ignore before.

I have a Friend. His name is Jesus Christ.

I am called to marriage. I don’t need to fret or concern myself about it. I just need to trust and follow God. Since He called me, He will equip me. I can trust Him to do it all and to tell me, His daughter, when it is time for me to step into that place of relationship. No looking. Just living for Christ and waiting on God.

Relationships matter. Friendship is necessary. We need friends…if the plural isn’t possible, then the singular will work, but it is vital to be known well and, if possible, completely.

Though it is fun to have friends of both sexes, your dearest and truest and closest friend in human form should be the same sex as you. Don’t cross lines that you shouldn’t. It’s great to have the perspective and the companionship of both sexes, but should marriage come to your door, the adultery line can be crossed too easily if you’re emotionally vested in one of the opposite sex. Fornication can happen too easily here, too, when one longs so desperately for marriage and it is long in coming. Boundaries exist for a reason. Enough said.

Eventually, I will be looking at my own life and my own feelings toward love. There is healing that needs to happen, because even when I’m distressed, I cannot be hugged, and that is something that God wants to change in me. I can’t imagine being comforted in an embrace, even a parents embrace, and that is a journey I do not look forward to taking…but I will take it. It knocks on my door, even now.

There is joy and hope in the Lord and life in His spirit and there is hope in the knowledge of Him. Christ is love. Joy, life, hope, love…strength and grace sufficient for today…victory and freedom and peace…and so much more…Christ is more than enough. Friends will come some day and then, when that happens, the firm foundation in Christ will be the bedrock to build the friendship upon.

You can’t expect me to change

I think about how often we say this, to others and to ourselves. Change isn’t easy and oftentimes it is not accepted gracefully. But, consider how life would be if we never changed at all, if everything stayed just as it was.

Think of Groundhog Day, the movie with Bill Murray. No matter what he tried to do, the day repeated and repeated and repeated. He could do things to produce a different outcome, but the next morning, it was Groundhog Day again. He even tried killing the groundhog…but, alas, he was trapped in a cycle of repetitive living.

That movie is considered a comedy, albeit slightly on the darker side of humor, yet how many times have we insisted that we hate and do not need change? How many times have we lived the same day over and over and over again, although not the same date, and didn’t even notice?

I consider myself very blessed because God is ever working in my life, in one way or another. I find that if I didn’t have Jesus Christ, I would not have anything. I may have a job and material things and family, yes, but when it all comes down to the nuts and bolts of life, all we really have is what’s inside us and since Christ lives in me, I am never alone.

Today, in church, Pastor Shawn spoke of Holy Spirit. Truthfully, Holy Spirit and I have had quite a journey and so the service today wasn’t going to reveal things to me that I didn’t already know about the core understanding of who Holy Spirit is. I learned a great deal, yes, but there was no need to pray to accept Holy Spirit or to acknowledge any trepidation to who He is. What did happen then? Awakening.

See, that is what Pastor Shawn said today’s sermon was all about. Awakening. And one considers this to be such a simple thing. I mean, we wake up daily, yes? Don’t we find ourselves always awakening? As long as we live and are still functioning, we have our daily awakenings.

Yet, consider if you will that we could be sleeping and living at the same time. It is easy enough to do. What did God tell me today? Prayer and communication are vital in the life of a believer.

Here I sat in my comfy little life doing the status quo of living and believing that it was enough. And though it may satisfy certain things to get me home safely, it definitely isn’t very exciting, now is it? And so it is that I know what I am called to do, I know how exciting my beautiful King of all kings is, so why in the world would I live a hum drum existence when there is so much more?

Change.

Awaken and embrace the changes that Jesus wants to bring about in you life. Consider the wonder of being in an act of world-changing witnessing and partnering with Christ and become excited, because truly, He is an exciting Savior and if that is not your experience with Him as a follower of Christ, it is time to change.

When going to church is difficult

It was a hard situation. There are times when you just don’t feel like you are in the right place. Even as God speaks and confirms things, you shrug it off as circumstantial or happenstance. But what is it really? Is it God telling you to remain where you do not feel welcomed or comforted or inspired or where you don’t even feel Him? Is He truly telling you that leaving is a bad thing? What do you do when going to church is difficult?

The first thing that I do is stick it out. I don’t know if God truly wants me to leave somewhere unless I ask Him and He tells me. And, well, if He doesn’t tell me to go, then I stay, right? Isn’t that what being a relationship with Him is all about? So, if Jesus doesn’t say to leave, then I must stay and stick it out. But then what?

While you are waiting, be vigilant and seek God and listen closely to hear His voice. During this time of waiting, He will be speaking to you about many things. Some of these things may be in relation to why you feel that great disconnect, which will help you be able to make changes and overcome the feeling of frustration.

Ultimately, Jesus will say ‘stay’ or ‘go’ and you must be joyfully obedient to His will. Consider that He knows what is best for you and sometimes you have to be moved elsewhere because you have something that God wants to give to someone who is somewhere else. Sometimes you have to stay because God wants to use you there, as an active and living part of the body, His body, to accomplish all that He has planned for you, your church, your community and ultimately, the Kingdom of God.

When going to church is difficult, you need to ask why and you need to be receptive to the truth when it is spoken. It is easy enough to decide to leave somewhere, to walk away from a relationship or relationships, due to what you are feeling, or not feeling, in any given moment. The difficult part comes after you leave. It is far better to seek God and His will and stick it out until you hear from Him and know for certain what He desires.