There are a lot of things I think about in regards to my life. There are regrets, of course, but I’ve learned to move beyond them…mostly. I do wonder if things would be different today if I had remained Ben’s friend until the Lord called him home and if I had fought for the foster children like God told me to. But, I can’t change either of those things and that is what it is. Life is full of the consequences, both good and bad, of our choices.
I think mostly, though, about loneliness, and not in the realm of dating and marriage and love and the like, which many struggle with when they think about it, but for me it’s that life-long friendship that withstands everything, the loyal friend that can only be separated by death and even then, not really, when we consider salvation and eternity.
I don’t have that. I never have. And that is something that, as hungry as I am for it, just seems a vapid loss in my life that I can never, ever come to terms with, because we are all lonely.
The way that many of us choose to fix this loneliness is through marriage, so we find an eagerness to tie ourselves up without someone else in the romantic way, so much so that we move in together before marriage, desperate for that connection, and yet, even then, there are marriages that are far lonelier than I am. That is the way of life, truly. Loneliness.
So, then, what is the answer? I don’t know. I really don’t. That I could be brought to tears watching something so trivial just because it makes me think of how I’d be lucky to have one woman stand with me if I should ever marry as my maid of honor and no bridesmaids and just hoping that my future husband has enough sisters that I don’t make a pathetic show of it all…well, yeah, it’s a struggle.
Why is marriage even in this? Because I watched a t.v. episode with a wedding in it. That fills the brain. Friendship, though, is a remarkable gift that the Lord desires for us to engage in. But, as you get older, it gets far more difficult to do so. I had a really close friend in junior high, but since we were bullied together, when high school came and the opportunity presented itself to move on, she did.
I had a close friend in high school, but after graduation we just sort of stopped communicating. How close were we really? Do I represent a bad time in lives of people that they would be better off forgetting? Is this why life passes me by and relationships end in my life, because I am some sort of dark reminder of days past that are better tossed off the cliff of remembrance into the sea of forgetfulness?
So, I was at a loss in my world, struggling to find myself, friendless, and then I had friends and it was wonderful and then it imploded in such a violent way that, well, let’s just say it hurt and do they think of me or even now, eight years later, try to connect with me? No.
And the loss of friendships continues, even those that I thought were more than just trivial acquaintances, and the memories belie the truth of the matter: I have no friends.
I have tons of acquaintances, do not fret. I have those that will give me the cursory times of their lives and I have to admit that I do the same. Why seek out friendships when they all end so badly? Because I need them? Ah, yes, I do, but who cares? Surely, I will not die from lack of friends. Why, then, do I even care enough to write this today?
Well, partly it’s because I’m an emotional wreck today and writing helps. Partly, it’s because of a stupid t.v. episode about a wedding that triggered some kind of deep, emotional response within me. Partly, it’s because I can just feel the vapid waste of space in my life that friends occupy and then vacate, never to return. And, partly, it’s because my soul is wounded and life still goes on.
We discussed wounded souls last night and I pressed that it must be processed and healed. Yet, how does one find the source of the wound and address it? I mean, we can speculate all day long and never really find the source. Consider that I am mere weeks away from graduating with my BSW and I am officially unconcerned about being a social worker anymore. It is ironic, isn’t it, how quickly I change my mind? Or, not ironic. Just life.
So, I have no idea what I am doing with my life. That’s fine, really. I will live for God and realign myself with Him and His soul and spirit so that I can be His completely. My happiness was complete when I was His. This painful past that keeps me distant from Him is slowly being demolished and healed. I wish it were quicker, truly. It isn’t, though.
I just garnered that advice to another in the midst of healing. Don’t rush God or yourself. Healing always takes time. I must trust the process. And so should you, any of you that are healing in some way. We are so eager to reach the end, but there is only more to do at that point. The true end comes when we are free of our mortal shells and worshiping Christ in heaven. So, why rush to the end? Enjoy the process.
Even if you’re alone…
And, so it is, that while I can sit here and pen out the pain of my heart in a poetic and flowery way (or not, I guess, it depends who you ask), that isn’t going to gain me friendships and it isn’t going to speed up my healing, not really, because I still do not know the source of the wound and, therefore, the source of friendlessness that haunts my life and always has, making it easy for friends to walk away and never look back.
But, this does explain one of the reasons that I do not want to marry. So, that’s something, I guess.