I am in a season of pruning and any Christian can attest to how painful such a season can be. Of course, they can also attest to how amazing the new growth is after the pruning is complete. I look forward to the growth season.
But, I’m in the pruning season.
And I am lonely.
I don’t really think about it much, truly, but it is something that comes and makes itself apparent as time passes and dead and dying branches in my life are cut away and burned up. Loneliness is a part of life, because sometimes we just find ourselves in a place where God has called us to be alone with Him in order to weed our gardens and prepare for the new season coming our way.
Jesus has called me to finally be free from the spirit of rejection that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. In so doing, I have become acutely aware of how damaging things are to my emotions and heart and how I need to be able to breathe through it, release it, and change, not the way I am treated or spoken to, but rather how I respond and react to these things.
This morning, as I cried out to Jesus, He held me and said, “Breathe. Just breathe.” I had to stand there, with tears mingling with the shower water and breathe and chose to face things without the burden of pain that was being placed on me. Of course, I am still facing it. Why? Because I am just entering into the freedom from something that has held me captive long enough to become normal. In other words, while the prison doors are open and the chains are gone, I am still “feeling” them and seeing the door closed and I have to change and be aware in order to step out and be free.
I think that the loneliness comes because there are others who have those in their life that aren’t adding to the rejection, but rather are pulling from it. I am learning to do the same for myself and to know that those that add to the rejection are doing so out of a place of pain or ignorance and I have to be able to respond in a way that prevents my being wounded and burdened.
So, if you know me in person, please be patient with me. Please pray for me, whether you know me in person or not. Because, as God showed me, once I desire the change for the better, which I do desire, the warfare begins. I have entered the battle. Time to go to war.