There’s a hole in my sock.
Earlier this year, it was easier to believe and overlook and play at maturity. I didn’t realize I was playing, however, with the passage of time, I have learned that all the feelings I have about being mature and a godly leader in amazing form were not quite as gold as the glittering appeared. It was only cellophane.
I have had a lot happen the last few weeks and it’s been getting steadily harder to keep the appearances up. Starting last week when I wrote a true revelation blog that I have yet to share with the world (I may never share it, truthfully) that led me to decide that I’ve been wrong for years and years, believing in a call of being a Pastor’s wife just to give myself hope of finding love one day. I have been there before, you see, but not in a flat out denial…or maybe it is the same…I lose the ability to separate one doubt from the other over time.
The planning of a trip and the absolute chaos and division that has come in one week has revealed to me that favoritism will never, ever leave God’s church and that division will always, always come. The frustration and pain is horrid and consistent.
And I rebelled.
Now, my rebellion takes on a milder light to some people, yet it is still rebellion and so is sin for that reason alone. My rebellion? Two days in a row, I drank one alcoholic drink. And, I did so because I told God that I just didn’t care and that I had nothing left to give.
Through it all, He keeps telling me that He’s preparing me, training me, pruning me, and all I keep thinking, “What about them, God? Why am I the one You keep teaching and correcting and pruning and they can just complain and insist and, due to their favoritism, win every, single time?”
I don’t know if God is doing anything in anyone else through this mess, or if He is focussed solely on me. I don’t even know why this is happening and how division came so rapidly. All I know is I am no longer looking forward to the trip and I have to address my heart and take the punches and deal with the brokenness with a maturity He is obviously intent on forging in me.
All I know is there is a hole in my sock and only God and I are aware of it and I have miles to walk before I can put on a new one.