Hello again, it’s me.
What does it mean to be a lily among thorns? I know that I pondered this, so long ago, and as I searched Song of Solomon online today, I discovered that old feeling of remembrance and that longing to fully understand being a lily.
I didn’t forsake my salvation or walk away from Him, but in a way, I moved out of the house. There we were, so deep in love, and I moved out. Just packed my bags and left. I cried. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. At first, when all was slipping out of my hands like sand on the shore, I struggled to understand why things had gotten so normal, why our friendships had gotten so rocky, why some left, some stayed, and all were hurt. Ultimately, I realized through the revelation of Holy Spirit, that I just didn’t want Jesus. Sure, I loved Him and I lived my life as a Christian, but I wasn’t in love with Him anymore, I wasn’t seeking Him and pursuing Him and leaving all things behind to be with Him. Why? What had changed in me that made me so complacent in His presence?
I’m not afraid to say that I distanced myself from Him. Now, years later…and that shocks me to the very core…I am still holding Him away, keeping a space between us, and why? Fear. Mainly fear. I imagine doubt plays a role in my distance as well. I would be lying if I said envy and jealousy didn’t have a hand in it, too. Failure and knowing that I haven’t been near Him, that keeps me far away.
I am hungry.
Oh Lord, I am hungry for You.
I am thirsty.
Jesus, I am thirsty for You.
I use to meet Him in the garden of my heart, my secret garden, a place that was His alone, and we would meet there, and sit beside the fountain of fresh water, and He would tell me of marvelous things. I use to read His love letter and giggle. I use to rest in His arms. I use to lay my head upon His knee and feel His love pour over me every single day. When did I stop going to the garden? When did I shut the gates and lock Him out?
Now, the call is growing stronger. So much so that I nearly am deafened to everything else. The hunger grows ever stronger, the thirst more powerful. I am that deer, I am panting for the water, my soul is longing for my Beloved.
What remains is a small heart beating wounded within my chest, fractured and scarred and bleeding. I am not ashamed to admit that I have deep wounds that only He and I know of, wounds that are festering as long as I am away from His touch and His healing balm. I see it in the words I deny and the things that I hide and the ways that I dance in order to protect myself. I see it in the way that I doubt more fervently than I believe, I see it in the way that I despair and grieve, in the way that I refuse to dance with Him.
I will dance with my King.
Jesus, my Love, wrap Your arms around me and hold me, just hold me, because You are all I need. I repent of my foolishness, of my distraction, of my distance. I repent of my excuses and my unjust living and my unforgiveness. Lord, take hold of all of me, leave not a part out of Your touch, and may I once again be Your Shulamite, may You once again be my Lover and kiss me with the kisses of Your mouth, a kiss without any shame, something beautiful.
Shalom ve Ahava, my beloved Prince.
