Surrender your Dreams

My dreams have slipped away again. I watched them fall softly to the ground and I was frightened. I have lived my life believing, hoping, knowing that I am a writer. I have held on for years to the novel that I poured myself into for 7 years. And now I am looking at it lying on the ground, the papers blowing around, all my work, lost. I am admitting my failure in the midst of a complete overhaul rewrite of my beloved novel, and my heart is bleeding with the realization that this dream will not become a reality.

As I was thinking about releasing my talent and the novel to God for whatever He desires, even if it means never having anyone meet my cast of characters or be a part of their adventures and journeys, I felt such sorrow that I was nearly overwhelmed.

Later, sitting and choosing not to give up on the dream in a dark, depressive cloud, but rather to learn what it means to surrender it to God, this song came on. The second time I listened to it, reading along with the lyrics, tears filled my eyes and I remembered other dreams.

I sat beneath a mighty pine tree in the Santa Fe National Forest with other young women spread out throughout the woods, each of us holding Hinds’ Feet for High Places, a sheet of paper written on by our own hands, and a red, heart-shaped stone. We were there to surrender.

My dreams were the one thing I couldn’t let go of. I tore that portion of paper away and placed the rest into the ground. Then I sat and prayed and wept and finally, finally, I released my dreams into the careful and loving hands of my Father.

It was in that moment that God revealed to me that He takes our surrendered dreams, dreams we believe we have so carefully shaped and cared for, and untangles them, smooths them out, and makes them possible. He showed me this in full later, but the glimpse was enough. And now I feel that same tugging on my soul. Will I again trust God with my tangled, imperfect dreams?

The song says, “my dreams are me” and I feel that deep within my heart at this very moment. Writing is a natural thing that I can do without the slightest hindrance…except on those rare occasions when everything looks horrid as you write, known as writer’s block. Yet, I know that there is something God desires of me in regards to writing. Can I let the book fall away? Can I release it to God and know that no matter what happens, happiness is His true desire for me?

No one has read my book, not in full, and the few comments I’ve gotten have been of flat characters, characters I am quite proud of. But, today I can acknowledge that I know so little of writing that the book may very well be a boring, vapid waste of paper and computer memory.

So much of my heart and soul was poured into those pages and it is like something dying. Can I let it die?

I guess today is the day to let it go and surrender it to God, knowing that He knows my dreams are me, the very soul of me, and that He knows me better than I know myself. His dreams and plans for me are greater than what I hold for myself, tightly clasped in my hands.

So, I say today, yes, Lord, You may have Past Vengeance and all its characters. Yes, You may have my talent in writing and all its positives and negatives. Yes, Lord, You may have my dreams, because I trust You and I love You.

JD 8/23/11

Surrender by BarlowGirl

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly, not one has fallen
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am
Now, You’re asking me to show
What I’m holding, oh so tightly
Can’t open my hands, can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show You?
Can’t You let me go?

“Surrender, surrender,”
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t You see,
My dreams are me?
My dreams are me

You say You have a plan for me
And that You want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What You can do with
One that’s committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

“Surrender, surrender,”
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t You see,
My dreams are me?
My dreams are me