I don’t want religion

I never before thought of things the way that I’m thinking about them now. It wasn’t that it was not obviously wrong for me to have bad attitudes and to print things at work that were for my own personal use, but I see now that I have been a horrid person. Thankfully, I can look at my life and see that God has always loved me and delighted in me. It makes it a great deal easier for me to look back at myself and see the value that I believed didn’t exist.

What puzzles me is the way that we choose to live our lives. I mean, we know and we see how miserable we are and how miserable others are. We see it, clear as day, and we see the consequences of our choices and actions. Yet, we think that we can’t possibly live a pure life in the presence of the King. Why not? When did a life without anger, bitterness, violence, debauchery, lust, perversion, foulness, and murder become a bad thing? When did a life of blessing become a curse? When did it become too hard to live for the only One that sees the heart so clearly and loves with a passion that cannot be dampered even seeing the darkest parts of the soul?

I find myself looking at those that are content to wade through the filth everyday, myself included since I am far from perfect, and I wonder why we would be willing to soil our white garments again. And how lovingly He cleanses us after it’s all said and done. His grace is without end and His mercy covers us like the waters clothe the sea and yet we consider it too difficult, too hard, to leave behind the filthy sins of the world and walk an upright walk with Him.

More and more, I think about how this isn’t a game, how this isn’t a trial run, how there are no do-overs when it’s all said and done. One day, I will stand before Him and He will either enfold me in His arms or He will tell me to depart because He never knew me. That frightens me. That frightens me more than Hell frightens me. I don’t want to be sent away from His presence. I don’t want to live a life where I feel like I’m seeking Him, like I’m loving Him, and being intimate with Him, only to find that it was a fantasy in my head. Only to find that I’ve entered the wedding feast unprepared, wearing the improper, informal garment rather than the garb of a wedding guest. I don’t want religion, I don’t want fantasy, I want Jesus Christ.

There is a great deal of trash in our hearts. I’m reading a book by Leslie Ludy entitled “Authentic Beauty: the shaping of a set-apart young woman” and I have seen that my trash-littered heart is desperately in need of cleaning. I need to become all that He has called me to become. This need comes from my desire to please Him and to honor Him with my lifestyle as well as my lips, to live a life that is faithful in all areas, not only the visual areas but all the areas, seen and unseen. This is what I want to do for Him, the One that has saved me from the worst in me. Foul sinner that I am, He has drawn me out of the filth I once found so comforting and now see to be smelly garbage, dung.

I don’t drink, go clubbing, fornicate, flirt, use foul language, smoke, do drugs, or exhort violence because I don’t want to, not because of ‘rules’ or ‘laws’ but because the desire is no longer there. However, there are areas in my life that are more of a struggle to lay down. Anger and gossip, jealousy and envy, these are things that I am working to remove from my life. But, as I looked at the questions to remove the trash from my heart, the process to create an inner-sanctuary for my Beloved, I have seen why they are such a struggle for me. These may not be struggles for others, much like drinking and such are not struggles for me, but we all have our areas where we have allowed so much trash to pile up that it seems normal to be the way that we are. It seems normal for us to always have to struggle with the things that we have struggled with our entire lives.

I am going to do some trash removal. What I want is Jesus Christ. What I desire is Him. To be with Him and experience deep and lasting love that is unchanging, unwavering, and pure, love that no mortal person can give, but love that allows the one loved to love in return and to offer more love to those around them. Someday, the promises my Beloved has given me will come to pass. I don’t want to be where I am now when it happens. I want to be His in every way.

Today is the day of salvation. There may not be a tomorrow. All things on this earth are fleeting, passing away, and the investments here pass away with them. The human soul is forever, investments there do last, but the only way to truly do things of content that will last, is through the love and guidance of Jesus Christ. He is the one that gives to me all that I need to be all that He has called me to be. It is not by my own strength that former desires have died away, that the thick bondages and chains have been shattered, that the prison gates have been thrown wide open and I’ve been set free. It is by the strength of my Beloved Savior, the very One that calls to us all. The Bible says that many are invited but few are chosen. This is not because He picks and chooses, but rather it is because we pick and choose. We choose this world and all its filth as our prize, rather than the true treasure, the pearl of great price, the One that paid the ransom we could never pay ourselves. Our Redeemer, our Deliverer, our Savior, our King, our Friend, our Father, our Protector, our Healer. I want Him to be my Everything.

As the deer longs for the water, so my soul longs, cries out, craves, desires, burns for Him. Oh, my Beloved Jesus Christ, thank You for Your love, kindness, mercy, and compassion. You are so wildly tender, so gentle, so near to me. I cannot live without You, I cannot face this world without Your presence, love, and strength. Draw me ever closer…ever closer to You. It is in Your presence, in Your arms, that I find my worth. It is in Your will that I find my purpose. It is in You alone that I find my hope. Thank You, my Beloved, for loving me. Thank You, my Beloved, for choosing me. Thank You, my Beloved, for saving me. Thank You, my Beloved, for all that You are in my life, heart, mind, and soul. I love and adore You!

Shalom veh Ahava!

~ by mystdancer50 on June 8, 2009.