Kicking down the door
I once was afraid of what would be seen if someone grew to love me enough to kick down the door I hid behind and revealed all that lay inside. Long ago, it was easier to keep the door barred and speak through it rather than open it and my fear was that someone would take the time to kick down the door and rescue me.
I wouldn’t have seen it as rescuing then.
It was a gentle, persistent knock that brought me to peek through the peephole and see who was standing on the threshold. His eyes met mine, as though He could see me looking through the little circle, as though He knew my fears. His knock continued as I sat crouched in the trash strewn about the room. I wanted so badly to let Him enter but what would He say when He saw all that was around me? What would this wonderful Man think of me when He saw truly what I lived with? Yet, He refused to leave.
It was not a wary opening of the door but rather a wide throwing open of it. When I finally realized that He could see what was there even with the door closed, I so desired to have Him there, in the midst of it all, to help me do things that I never before even dreamed of trying.
I expected Him to get right to work when I let Him in, to deal with the large pieces of debris in the room of my heart and life, but instead He looked at me and smiled. It was as if all the filth that surrounded us had no bearing at all on how much He loved me. He opened His arms and I fell into them, into the most wonderful and comforting embrace I would ever know, one that would be a constant in my life, through every storm and failure, through every sunny day and triumph, the hug of true love and acceptance.
Soon, we got to work. He was encouraging whenever I felt like I couldn’t do it. He lovingly asked me to allow Him to be my strength. I would look at Him in wonder. He was so strong and He wanted to be my strength! That meant that I could do all that I was setting out to do. With Him as my strength, all things were possible! I would work with renewed vigor whenever I would realize that He was all the strength I needed.
Slowly, the room began being cleaner and cleaner, the air fresher and full of a fragrance that cannot be matched on this earth. Yet, behind me, a pile of trash loomed. It was the little things that I kept from His gentle hands because they weren’t such large issues, not compared to all the heaps of garbage that occupied most of the room. It wasn’t until most all the trash was gone that the pile behind me was seen for what it truly was…a large, smelly pile of garbage.
There was no accusation in His eyes as I realized all that I had kept from Him and looked at Him ashamedly. He opened His arms again and enfolded me in His warmth. He told me things that I had never heard before and I saw all that I was in His eyes, more than I saw myself to be in my own eyes or the eyes of others. Together, we faced the pile and began the hardest work of all. Though I was loathe to admit it, the things I had kept back were the things that I truly wanted from the sins of my life, the ones that I considered vices okay to keep. Now, we would work through them and see the decay within their folds.
It has been awhile since I’ve stood in that room with Him. At some point, dealing with the garbage and being in love with Him became second on my list. It happened so slowly that I didn’t miss it until I was standing behind that closed door again and fearing what would happen if it were kicked down. It is only now, as He knocks once more, that I realize I should have kicked the door down myself. I should have taken it off its hinges and added it to the pile of debris to be burned up in His consuming fire. I don’t need the door there for with Him dwelling inside this room of my heart, I am safe.
I don’t know when I forgot that He is my rescuing Knight, that He is the one that has pulled me out of the sea and saved me, that He is the one that hugged me when I was covered in filth, that He is the one that knocked so patiently and so persistently upon my heart’s door, that He is the one that has loved me for so long and so deeply, that He is the one that I desired to breathe in like oxygen. How could I forget that He was the one that held me and laughed softly when I relayed my ‘bug’ incident? How could I forget that He is the one that counts every tear I cry? How can I forget how He took my face in His hands and reassured me of His love when I was abandoned by all I sought to have love me? How could I forget how truly wonderful He is?
I am kicking down the door because I love Him and I want to adore Him. I want to fall head over heels in love with Him and I don’t ever want to close the door to my heart again to keep my trash hidden. I want to let Him have all of me and to be able to dwell in that place, cleansed and intimate. Come, my Beloved Jesus, and let’s create a place that is truly Yours. Remove the door from its hinges and have complete access to all of me!
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