yet…

This was written last night in the dark as I lay in bed feeling my failures. Though I intended to end this with defeat, my Beloved led me to a new place and I am so glad that He is faithful and that His love never wavers. I want Him to be my strength in all things. I emailed this to myself in two emails via my cell phone.

*

It is a dark shadow, actually. How does one change? I understand the things God is changing in me. Then, I see all the mess. It makes me a little sad. I have to admit that my belief in His promises fades here. In this disorganized trash heap of my life, anger sits like a toad on my shoulder…or like a dark goblin…whatever. I feel the judgement and disappointment this brings to my mom and I am sorrowful. Yet, it’s a mess and I don’t know what to do. The anxious person in me wonders if I should stay up and finish it but the logical person in me knows that I have to work tomorrow and staying up would be extreme foolishness. So, back to the doubt. How can I ever be a wife? I can’t imagine it in these moments. What man would want me? Honestly, what godly man deserves an angry, messy woman like me? I would not desire to subject any man to me. It hurts me to feel this way. It hurts to look in the mirror and see myself. I am so far from being a godly woman. Yet…for the love of one Man…

…I will not be beaten down, I will not be destroyed. I will cry out like David and say, “Revive me, Lord, that I may rejoice in You again.” I know that He has so much more for me than what this world has to offer and I want Him to be my strength. I will stand and I will not die.

*

Even in our darkest hour, Jesus is there to comfort us and lead us out…if we’ll let Him. I had a night similar to this a few months ago and I lay in bed weeping. God showed me the next day that I refused to allow Him to comfort me, that I wanted to feel miserable. I don’t ever want to love misery more than I love Him.

Thank You, Jesus, for Your amazing love! May my life always be deeply rooted in Your marvelous love, tender grace, and endless passion! How I love You, Jesus! Revive me and I will rejoice in You again!

Shalom!

What do you expect?

It is amazing to me that we are just like everyone else. It amazes me how no one knows, until that ’slip’ of the tongue, that casual mention in conversation. It amazes me that we think it’s okay to fit in and to not rock the boat. It amazes me that I’ve lived this long accepting things as they are and not seeking change in myself.

*

The smell was pretty obvious. Though most didn’t fully understand where it was coming from until service was over, they all believed that someone just didn’t realize that their clothes had been compromised.

I mused it over and over again as I drove to the store and home that night. I mused at the comments made so loudly by us all and the fact that she had to have heard, the homeless woman that had visited our church. I recall, even now, that day that I took a piece of cake with me to church, something I never do, because I didn’t want to eat it at home and I just felt that I should take it with me. There she was, sitting in the foyer, and I offered her the cake. Then I understood.

As I drove home last night, I realized my failing in the events that transpired. I saw my lack of compassion. Though I realized that talking about her smell, even commenting on it, was wrong and I tried my best to share that kindly with others, but I didn’t approach her. I was afraid to approach her, truth be told. I don’t know if I was afraid that she was going to ask for money, which I truthfully had none to give, or if I was afraid that I had nothing to say to the woman to offer her the warmth of Jesus Christ. Whatever the reason, I saw with clarity what I should have done.

In my mind’s eye, as I neared my house, I saw that I should have approached her and greeted her. I should have told her how glad I was that she was there, and meant it. I should have let her know that she was welcome in the house of God. That is what I should have done, the least I should have done, if I am truly a Christian.

*

God doesn’t condemn us for our mistakes. He lovingly informs us of how we are to change, of how we could have handled things differently, and He is kind and gracious enough to give us other opportunities to put into practice what He teaches us. I apologized to God for my inaction on Wednesday night with the woman and I know that the lesson He wanted to teach me was efficiently taught. I saw my failings in the midst of my success and I am so glad that God keeps me close to Him and teaches me all that I don’t know.

This led me to think about our call as Christians. We are to be Christ-like. I find it interesting that you can be talked to about your relationships in the church, relationships that you’re trying to work through and trying to learn how to function, but the souls outside the church, the lost and the fallen, are disregarded.

Through the course of a recent trial, God revealed to me that I didn’t have a heart for the lost, nor did I have a heart for those friends of mine who, for the time being, have left the church and gone their own ways. I was content to forget all about them and move on with my life with an attitude plainly shouting of judgement and “it’s their loss” mentality.

*

The lost are out there in droves. Jesus Christ didn’t avoid sinners, He ate with them and engaged them in conversation. Jesus was more confrontational (for lack of a better word) with the religious folk of His day than He was with the sinners. Had the religious men of the day sought His company solely for the sake of knowing Him, He would have received them just as He received the sinners. However, the religious people set themselves apart with pride, arrogance, and deceit, trying to ‘capture’ Jesus in a lie, which was impossible. They cut themselves off from great love, lessons, and growth because of their inward turned hearts.

I don’t want to be an inward turned person. I don’t want to be consumed with myself and my life, nor do I want to be consumed with only Christian people. I know that I can only love as much as I love Jesus Christ and the family of God, but this does not mean to the exclusion of everyone else.

It is scary to think that people are passing into eternity every day and that every chance to turn to Jesus for salvation is over. The gracious God who loves us more than we can comprehend gives us multiple opportunities to turn to Him and to receive the greatest gift, the greatest treasure of all. In the pride of life, we forsake Him and ultimately, as we stand before Him, we realize the truth. Then, however, it is too late and the righteous judgement occurs.

My heart is turning toward the lost again. I want to be salt and light in this earth constantly, not just on good days. I want to weather every storm in Jesus’ arms and be able to show the world that there is something different in my life, that there is something worth desiring, something worth having, that nothing on this earth can compare to. I want to show Christ in my words, deeds, and lifestyle.

*

I find that I turned from my friends that left the church as easily as a rudder turns a ship in water. I regret every moment of pride that kept me from going to them and pouring out my love and care for them. I am not responsible for the choices they make but I am responsible for the lack of action on my part.

I noticed that I would judge their lives from a distance, from what whispers fell into my ears, and that I would assume that they were living up the lives of backsliders. God showed me that I have no right to speak things that I know nothing about. I’m 29 so it’s about time that I listened to Him in that area, yes?

I am learning to restrain from stating that “I know that they’re not living for God” or that “I know that they’re drinking, etc.” because I honestly know nothing of the sort. What I do know is that I miss them and that I want them to be a part of my life again and that I will be there for them, without judging them, with arms open wide, and I will let them come back into my life exactly as they left, just like Jesus allows us to pick ourselves up and continue on with Him, exactly where we left.

*

I have pondered this for awhile today. What does it mean to be Christ-like? Am I living the life that Jesus wants me to live or am I running on emotions, pride, fear, and judgement? I need to see with the eyes of Jesus the people of this world. There is value and beauty in every single soul. God created each life for a purpose, for a specially designed will, and I want to walk in that while encouraging others to do the same. I want visitors to our church to feel welcome, regardless of their past and current situations. I want them to feel the love of Christ in my words, actions, and expressions.

What do you expect from Christians? What do you expect them to do when they see you? What do you desire to see happen in your church, family, and individual life? Are you living as Christ lived, loving, accepting, forgiving (for you must forgive the trespasses against you), strengthening, uplifting, encouraging, and kindly correcting? There is so much more available to us in the realm of Christianity. Are we living in the Promised Land or are we dwelling in the dry wilderness, convincing ourselves that all is well because our shoes haven’t worn out and the manna still falls from Heaven, though we know we’ve seen the same mountain seven different times?

Today is the day, this is the hour, it is now the time to ask God what He wants and willingly do what He asks. Now is the time to be like Christ, to take on His characteristics, to know Him, to follow Him, to obey Him, to change. This only happens in relationship with Him. Do you have one? A valid, working, fulfilling relationship, deeply intimate, with God?

I need Jesus Christ every moment of every day of my life. I need Him more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow. I need Him because I have no life without Him. He is the source of eternal happiness and endless joy. He is the wellspring of living water. He is refreshment, nourishment, and peace. How well are we reflecting Him?

Faith like a mustard seed

How little is a mustard seed? Small.

I sit in a large room that is completely bare except for me and the chair upon which I rest. I don’t move, I don’t look at the white walls, I just wait. There is only one door and it is closed tightly against the snow building up outside, the grain of the wood moving up and down in dark lines. The brass door knob is tarnished, I recall, for my back is to this door, to this way of entrance and exit, and I can only remember what I cannot see.

There is a window to my right and the snow gently falls outside, but I do not look at that either. I am trying to have faith, you see. I am trying to conjure up a mustard seed of faith, the faith to move mountains, and this mountain has been in my life for many years.

What am I waiting for? Like some abandoned child, I am waiting for love. But, I hear people with soap boxes shouting outside in the snow. “You have missed your chance!” and “You are too selective!” and “You are too old!” and “You can’t just wait for love, you have to seek it!” and “You have to not look for love and then love will find you!”

I’m glad that they are outside and I am inside and that, though their voices carry, I can hear His voice over them all.

“I told you to wait. I know exactly where love is. I will bring love to you. Trust Me. Obey Me.”

So I sit in this room and wait, with my back to the door, for the day when He brings love to me.

With faith like a mustard seed in my heart.

**

I sit at His feet and He tells me the most wonderful things. He teaches me and corrects me and encourages me and compliments me. He tells me the things that I use to ignore and strengthens the things that use to be weak. Like my faith, which grows with each passing day. With a tenderness that I cannot comprehend the depth of, He tells me how much He loves me and how, though what I desire in my heart is natural and not wrong, it is not yet time. He tells me of His seasons, as the spring air floats into the room, carrying fragrances of lilacs and elms. He tells me of His timing, His perfect timing, which makes all things beautiful in its time.

And then He assures me that I am beautiful.

I rest my head upon His knee and listen to the birds sing their songs to each other outside the window.

**

We twirl about the room, His arm tight about my waist and His hand warm and firmly wrapped around mine. I rest my other hand upon His strong shoulder as He leads me around the room with easy. I have stepped on His toes a few times but He has merely laughed with joy. He has assured me that with Him, my happiness is complete, and that the day will come when another will share my heart, but first and foremost is my love for Him.

Like the mustard seed of faith, this love must be nurtured and cared for and brought out to fulfillment by His gentle touch. The dance makes me dizzy and giddy and I laugh with pure delight. The music is soft and His nearness is delightful. That I could have such wonderful moments with Him is amazing to me. I never want them to stop. My white gown twirls madly about my ankles, my sandaled feet move of their own accord, His strong arms support me and His gentle laugh comforts me. How I love this Man!

**

One day, there will be a knock upon my door. There He will be, His hand on the shoulder of the man He has found for me, the man He has prepared me for. In that moment, I will understand what all the tests and waiting, the lessons and corrections were for. Until then, I shall give Him the deepest part of my heart, the part I was saving for the man He is bringing. That part of my heart is for Him alone and, on the day when I meet the man who is to be my husband, I will have more love to give to him because of the love I have for Jesus Christ and the love He has for me.

And, my mustard seed will have grown into a wonderful tree.

What I Want

I am adrift on the ocean of life and there is no wind to fill my sails, no oars to press through the water, only the rudder that guides my ship toward the ultimate destination.

I take heart in the fact that God has not given up on me. Even where I sit, when everything is covered by storm clouds and my life is in a silent upheaval, I know that He still believes in me, that He still leads me and helps me, that He still strengthens me.

I am standing in the midst of the boat and looking out and seeing nothing. The future is a bleak landscape of endless blue waters and gray skies. My trust wavers, not in the Beloved of my soul, but in others. There are some that I continue to trust, some that I know I can rely on to remain by my side through this, but there are others that I stand on shifting sands with.

I feel the weight of condemnation pressing down on me. It is what leads me to question everything and to fear my presence in a certain place. What will happen this time? What hurtful words will be spoken? What condemnation will be called down upon me?

I believed that I was right. I had to be right, didn’t I? It was right for me to be cold toward others that had left. I mean, that’s what we were recommended to do. And I was right to be aloof and cold and judge those around me, judge their lives, and not with the tenderness of the Savior but with a cold pride that offered no comfort to me or them. What right did I have to stand upon a soap box and proclaim myself better?

The bruises from the stones are fading but the wounds of my heart are bleeding. I don’t know what the point of all this is, but I do know that I’m lost. The anchor holds. Despite the beatings and the railings, the rains and the winds, the anchor holds. All is not lost so long as He is still moving, still living, still active in my life.

Yesterday, Jesus spoke to me. “Fight your way back to Me again.” He said. What is required of me is to love the Lord with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, and all my strength and to love others as myself. Even in the midst of their stone flinging, to love them. Even feeling as though I have been shoved out to sea and left to find a way to move forward, to love them. Even knowing that they speak about me when I’m not there, that they don’t support me, that they don’t care if they hurt me, even knowing that, I must love them.

It is in this turmoil that I find myself. I have never been in a place like this before. I feel completely exposed and unsafe as I stand amongst them. I feel as though my life has no foundation that I can truly stand on. So, this reveals to me that I truly have left the firm foundation of Jesus. For, by His strength alone, I can stand. If I feel completely tossed at sea, I surely am not rooted in His amazing love.

It is time for me to fight my way back to Him. It isn’t that He is not going to help me fight, but there are things that I need to slash with my sword without mercy. I need to battle the lies, doubts, fears, failures, despairs, and darknesses that plague my life. I need to let go of all my worries and wonderings and just let Jesus Christ have His way in my life, in every area and in every way.

Here is what I want. Though marriage as we know it will not exist in heaven, the lack of sexual relationships will in no way hinder the heavenly happiness and fulfillment God has planned for that blessed place. In fact, all relationships will surely surpass even the most joyous pleasure of intimacy on earth. (taken from p 1244 of The Women’s Study Bible second edition) I want that experience here on earth.

The battered door of my heart hangs off the hinges but Jesus stands there and knocks and I long to throw the door wide open and let Him completely in. I am not talking about salvation here. I have already allowed Him in for that. No. I am talking about the deepest reaches of my heart, the area no one else sees or has access to. I am speaking of the Holiest of Holies of my heart, the place reserved for my husband, the sacred place where the one you truly love, adore, desire, long for more than any other resides. I want to give Him that place in my heart.

I want to have the deepest level of intimacy with my Beloved Savior that is possible as a person residing on this planet. I want a deep sampling of what Heaven is like. I am going to fight my way back to Him, sword in hand, and I am going to be His alone and no on is ever going to take that away from me again.

There you are!

I hadn’t realized that I had left Him. I had walked out of the house and down the street and went through the motions but I had left Him behind. I still spoke to Him but it was as if we were speaking on a phone. Sometimes there were dropped calls. Sometimes I couldn’t hear Him. Sometimes there was static. But, I thought that that was normal and so I continued doing what I was doing. I continued to live my life.

I really believed that I was trying my best to keep our relationship going. I truly believed that I was moving forward with Him and that I was doing my best to focus and draw nearer. Though I could see that I wasn’t giving my all to the relationship, I hadn’t completely checked out and so I believed that I was fine.

A couple of nights ago I wept in bed. I was so lonely. I told Him so. It was another phone conversation. He couldn’t put His arms around me because I was telling Him all of my sorrows and desires and fears from far away. I didn’t even ask Him to comfort me. I just wept and told Him that I was lonely and told Him the reasons and I thanked Him for listening to me. I tried to write a blog expressing my pain but it never posted. I thanked God for that in the morning. I didn’t truly want a depressing post to remind me.

I went to His house last night and I couldn’t bring myself to see Him. I kept ducking my head, as it were, and kept disappearing into my thoughts. I told Him that I was sorry, that I couldn’t seem to focus, that I was drifting and that I just wanted to be there with Him, that I just wanted to tell Him about how much I love Him, but I just couldn’t be there in the fullest sense and so I was sorry.

I went to court this morning. I’m on jury duty. I take my Bible in there to read it. I’m reading Matthew. God had revealed to me that if I wanted to fall in love with Him again, I had to get to know Him. How do I get to know Him? By spending time with Him and reading about Him. So, I’m reading Matthew.

Emerging into the sunlight, I realized how much lighter I felt after reading His words. I felt joy and contentment and peace. I realized that I was starving and that that hunger had been sated. I realized that I had left Him, if only to go down the street and run some errands. But the point was that I had left Him. I felt as though I had realized it and had returned to the house at a run, thrown wide the door, and saw Him there, smiling, His arms open wide, and that He said to me, “There you are!”

I thanked Him for waiting, for loving, for caring. I thanked Him for pursuing, for enduring, for calling. I tossed the phone aside and fell into His embrace. No wonder my life had been so stressful, so chaotic, so out of whack. I’m back where I belong, I’m back in His arms, and I am clinging to Him. This is where I want to be. This is Who I love so deeply. I cannot live without Him.

Thank You, Jesus, for Your amazing love! There is absolutely no one like You!

:)

It’s a limb. I’m stepping out. I regret it already. My knees are shaking. I can’t help but look down. Look how far the ground is! What a dumb thing to do. But I’m already out here. I might as well…hope…for the best. I never like to go out on a limb. Especially this limb. I always feel so foolish standing out here. Everything is open…exposed…for all to see. And it isn’t the higher limb. The one folks journey out on every day. I have never been that forward. But, I feel like I’ve done something really, really wrong by stepping out on this limb. What were my intentions, after all? What do I really think is going to happen? I have stepped out and fallen so often. Wait. That’s what I’m supposed to do. Has anyone ever told me any different? I had one person say my standards were too high. But this time is different. Or maybe it isn’t. I don’t know any more. All I know is I’m standing here on this limb. I’m standing here with my knees shaking. I’m wondering what will happen. I’m wondering what the response will be. My palms are sweating. The limb is tilting dangerously. I believe it will break any moment. But, I think that he doesn’t know I went out on this limb. I don’t think he can see me. And, of course, it’s not life or death. No. It’s not. It’s just the same limb. Different day. Different way. But same limb. And, ultimately, the fall will knock some sense into me as it knocks my breath out of me. Why do I set myself up like this? I can’t answer any of these questions. But, I do know that I’ve noticed something different this time. The view up here is fabulous. Especially when you know that Jesus Christ is standing beside you, keeping you safe. I don’t look down anymore. I look out at the view. While I’m out on this limb, I might as well enjoy the view, yes? Cheers!

Men and Women

This week has left me speechless…and ashamed. Why is it that the men around me are suddenly so foul? Or maybe the rose-colored glasses have come off of my hazel eyes and I’m seeing them as they really and truly are.

I sit at my desk and hear perversion erupting from their mouths whenever they speak now. I don’t want to look at them or anything. It’s grating on my nerves. I think that men are so amazingly wonderful, but how can I sit back and ignore the lack of decency and respect that I’ve been seeing of late?

I am known to say that men don’t help out the reputation of their sex. You can meet a good, decent man, honest and kind, funny and clean, and then you meet seven others that are the exact opposite. While you try to believe that there are still good, single, virtuous men out there you are bombarded by the darker side, the sinful side, the true human nature side, the part that runs rampant and is left unchecked and so becomes foul, dismal, and offensive…at least to those seeking virtue. I think of things so far beyond explanation and God assures me to wait, be patient, and trust in Him. So I do.

Men, I plead with you to change. It is not sexy to make sexual innuendos or crude remarks. It is not funny to talk about body parts and sexual acts. It is not attractive to use foul language. At least not to most of us women.

I have to say that most men will read this and fly into a tirade and demand that there is nothing wrong with them. To those men, I have nothing to say. But to those that feel a moment of shame when they use foul language in front of women, remain seated on a bus, tram, subway, or train while women remain standing, and apologize when a perverse joke or comment is overheard by a woman, I appreciate all that you are trying to be. Thank you for realizing that your masculinity does not lie in the filth of the garbage heap but rather lies in genuine chivalry.

I am not a feminist and I never will be. Though I can see the good that came from the feminist movement (the right to vote and work), I can also, objectively, see the bad. My English 109 teacher stated that, seeing as we were forging into unfamiliar territory, we went too far. And she considers herself to be a feminist.

Men are belittled by women constantly and, even in sitcoms, the men are idiots, simpletons, and the women carry the full load with their intelligance and quick thinking, level-headed woman of the house ways. The media and ’strong’ women beat down men and men allow themselves to be beaten down, into a mold of weakness and excusing themselves from responsibility constantly. Women take a roll they were never meant to have: head of the house.

Men are called and built to be protectors, providers, and heads of house. Women are assuming these roles (and I’m not speaking only of single-parent homes) and the men are easily giving ground.

I know there are exceptions to this. I know there are some men out there that are still all that men are created to be. I know there are men out there who have never struck a woman or a child in anger, have never made a woman feel like property or of less value, have never had premarital sex or extramarital sex, and I’m asking them to stand up now and boldly proclaim the role of men and help turn the tide.

Men be men and women be women and let us stop switching roles to suit our own agendas. I have often said the days of chivalry are dead and gone. Prove me wrong.

And please stop being crude, foul, and perverted in the range of my hearing. A little side note, I’m going to be deleting friends that post status comments and updates with foul language. It’s not that I don’t like you, but not everyone is impressed by the ability of others to use four letter words indiscriminately.

Dance, Shulamite, dance!

It is so apparent.

I can’t express in words how empty, barren, cold, and dark my life was. Even attending church didn’t satisfy me. I was dancing with religion but now I dance with the King.

It was so hard to dance with religion. So cold, distant, and foreign. It was difficult to get the steps right and so I would constantly trod on toes, mainly His toes, but I wouldn’t notice because I was so intent on making sure I was following the step pattern drawn on the dance floor. It was a frustrating, empty thing.

But, in the arms of the King, it’s different. He leads so effortlessly, so smoothly. He twirls me around the dance floor, telling me the steps, and soon enough, I wasn’t looking at the floor anymore for guidance. I was looking into His eyes and listening to His tender voice as He instructed me.

The foot troddings lessen every day that I dance in His arms. When I step on His foot, my apologies are immediately accepted and no irritation fills His eyes. I know this because I keep my gaze locked on His. The light of His countenance lightens my darkness. We dance to music He created solely for us, for our dance with each other, and no one else has the same song as Him and I share.

There is a feast, as well, and He leads me to the table often, seats me beside Him, His banner of love above me, so protective, so beautiful. I can’t take my eyes off of Him and He keeps His eyes on me. After feasting so elaborately, He takes me in His arms again and we dance, spinning madly, twirling happily.

At night, He holds me in His arms as I sleep, keeping me safe, even in my dreams. It is to His face and voice and fragrance I drift to sleep each night and stir to wakefulness each morning. I wouldn’t want it any other way!

I don’t know where you are with Him. I don’t know if you’re dancing with religion, feeling frustrated and unsatisfied, empty and alone, or if you’re dancing with the King. All I know is that my life has never been the same since the day I truly took His hand in mine and let Him lead me through the forest. That was over two years ago and I have lived a lifetime since then.

Feeling sad, empty, lost, alone? He’s waiting. His arms are wide open. He asks you to come to Him, to leave the barren arms of religion and the cold vacancy of this world and dance the dance of wondrous beauty in His arms. Don’t refuse.

the Castle in which I live

I find myself seeking more. Not more in the worldly sense or in the realm of material gain, but more in me. I want more than this world has to offer.

Every day that I spend with Jesus Christ is a day of growth and blessing. That is not to say that there aren’t hard days. On Sunday, under the pressure of math, I broke. In the arms of my Beloved Savior, I was healed. It is a wonder that I ever survived without Him.

But that was just it, I guess. I survived. I didn’t live, but rather, I made it through. I can’t understand why people don’t want to surrender to Him and know Him. Is a life out there in the clubs, with the bottle, with the tainted love, with the drugs, better than a life without it? I don’t think so. It isn’t a matter of not wanting to let go of these things. It’s just a matter of where you’re eating, what you’re use to.

I was use to perversion, lying, stealing, and misery. Now, walking with Him, I wouldn’t trade my days with Him for any of those things. Sin satisfied me for a season but soon it was a heavy chain that was wrapped around me, dragging me down under the crashing waves, and making me struggle to survive.

Under my own will and strength, I could not stop what I was doing. There was no way that I could untangle the mess my life had become. But, then, He found me. I was like a lost child that had been beaten and abused by everyone that I went to for help and there He was, so tender, so kind, so in love with me that my mind couldn’t understand what my heart was shouting.

“This is the One you’ve been longing for all along!”

I have fallen many times since the day that I took hold of His extended hand. I am not perfect. However, it is not about perfection but rather it is about direction. And, the direction I am running in is His.

This path through the forest of life is dangerous. Things spring out of the trees without warning, sometimes, leaving me breathless and distraught. But, now, Jesus Christ walks beside me, my strength in times of weakness, my best friend, my everything, comforting, encouraging, loving. He goes before me and makes a way through the woods that did not exist without Him. He goes behind me and makes sure that my past does not overtake me but rather that mercy, goodness, and blessing overtakes me.

I am in the Potter’s hands, a vessel being shaped by the Masterful Creator. In His hands, the forming can sometimes be painful as He works the difficult lumps of clay and smooths all the rough places. Sometimes, it feels as though I’m being pounded back down into workable clay and formed yet again under His smooth and gentle hands.

“What a marvelous substance! At rest, it’s hard and unyielding – but as I work it over with knowledgable hands, it becomes a thing of beauty…” Miss Grundy talking about clay. This is how God sees us as we allow Him the access to move in our lives and work us like clay in His hands.

Being a vessel, I tend to leak. It is due to this that my Beloved’s presence and eagerness to be with me is even more of a blessing than it would be otherwise. He fills me up. I can never run dry so long as I am with Him because He never runs dry. He is the wellspring of living water, pure and refreshing. I love to come into His presence and drink deeply of Him.

Every day He prepares a feast for His people. It is satisfying and fragrant. He sends the invitation to the wedding feast, far more satisfying, but only few arrive. It is His wedding feast that I desire to attend, garbed in bridal rainment, sitting by His side with His banner of love waving high over me.

The wedding feast is wonderful because of the dancing. There is always dancing, always celebration, at the wedding feast of the King of kings. It is there that I twirl about the room in His arms and laugh with pure delight. It is there that I am happiest.

Remembering all that life has thrown at me, I am so glad that I have such a wonderful Man in my life. He is all that I need. I know that He has only the best for me and that He loves me more than I can ever comprehend. It is due to this knowledge that I so desire that all would know Him, all would see Him, all would desire Him. To know Him, really know Him, is to love Him. And, I love Him so much!

Shalom veh Ahava!

“I love You, God – You make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing Knight. My God – the high crag where I run for dear life, hiding behind the boulders, safe in the granite hideout. I sing to God, the Praise-Lofty, and find myself safe and saved.”

Psalm 18:1-3 The Message Translation

Uh oh…

I’m hungry. I’m feeling the rising up of it. I know I’ve felt it before but now it’s so much harder to supress it…deal with it…no more suppression allowed. But, man, am I hungry.

It starts so simply. I use to allow self-pity and doubt cloud my heart but now that isn’t an option anymore, just like suppression is not an option. So, a couple days ago, when ‘who is he?’ and ‘where is he?’ and ‘when is he going to look into my eyes?’ danced through my mind, I shrugged it off. And therein lies the hunger.

Now, I sit here desiring. It is such a simple desire, isn’t it? One that people have fulfilled daily and miss the wonder of it. A desire to be loved by him. Someday, someday soon (hopefully) I will meet him. There is the fear of that as well but today, as hunger creeps through my veins and makes it extremely hard to concentrate, I figure I should take a moment to muse, ponder, deal with, and move on.

I’m hungry.

As I’ve said before in other blogs, I use to press this longing down deep within me, termed it as ‘lust’ and therefore unclean and sinful and went on to declare that I had no wish to meet this man or marry him, ultimately. This, of course, was completely untrue. It was not lust, it was a simple, pure longing for something beautiful. It was not unclean nor was it sinful, though, if allowed to run rampant through my mind and heart, it could certainly be deemed so. I truly do desire to be loved and held by my husband one day. So, my defenses against this hunger have vanished like smoke.

And now I’m hungry.

What will his kiss feel like when he kisses me for the first time after we say ‘I do’? What will he sound like when he wakes in the morning? What will our pet names for each other be? Will we call each other multiple times during the day? What cologne will he wear? What books will he read? Will he be artistic? Will he be tender? How will we meet? What will it feel like to fall in love and know that he has fallen in love as well? How much longer will I be waiting before God brings him to me?

As I sit here and wonder these things, I know that Jesus will be my strength through all of it. And, someday, I will look up and there will be the answer to all my questions and my battle will be a completely different one.

Until that day, dearest…I will wait for you. Wait, love, for me.

UPDATE: Jesus is amazing! A few moments, laying in His arms, seeking His face, desiring His kiss, and hungers are satisfied! He is so wonderful to me! I adore Him!!

Kiss me – full on the mouth! Yes! For Your love is better than wine, headier than your aromatic oils. The syllables of Your name murmur like a meadow brook. No wonder everyone loves to say Your name!

Song of Solomon (Songs) 1:2-3 The Message Translation