deeper, deeper, deeper

I don’t know if it matters or not, but I have realized that the superficial glossing of purity is not enough. No. I must delve. How deep? As deep as God urges, as deeply as Jesus pulls, as deeply as the Holy Spirit leads.

I will admit that it was a rather fleeting thought at the Cleansing Stream Retreat, though it was one that I was willing to verbalize. As excited as I am regarding the calling upon my life, I am not doing nearly enough. Now, don’t misunderstand me here. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, feeling unworthy and am not, therefore, trying to ‘earn’ my badge of goodness by doing things. No. Rather, it was the revelation of how deeply impurity goes and how I do not have any concept as to how wounded people are by this and I cannot fathom the depravity of the enemy in enslaving humanity in sexual bondages.

Herein lies the quandary, for I surely am not called to research sexual acts of impurity in order to learn about them. This brings to mind the verse asking if we should continue to sin so that grace would abound. Why introduce myself to things of that nature? That is not what God is seeking from me.

Then what is He seeking from me? I wonder at this even as I sit here and think about how different I am today from Thursday of last week. Hmmm. I feel it deep inside, though I look the same. Here’s the deal: I am called to purity and to teach purity and I have been called for a very long time.

Well, I now understand the stagnation that had once been so frustrating. God was holding me in a waiting pattern until this moment, when I could actually understand that this call, what I once thought effortless, is actually a high calling and is actually extremely important and a great deal more intense than I had originally fathomed. It is a great responsibility. Hmmm. I don’t think words can capture it, but let me see.

Can you imagine something that permeates your life so much that it is like your heartbeat, steady, regular, and often ignored? Sometimes, a pain will course through and you will recall what brought it and you will listen closely to your heart. Sometimes exercise brings rapidness to the heartbeat and you lift your hand to your throat and feel it beneath your fingertips, pressing against the flesh. These moments brings your heartbeat to vivid focus. That is how sin is.

We choose not to notice how sin is affecting our lives until the pain comes, until the rapidness of its consequences are beating upon our flesh. Then we see it, then we begin to look for ways out. But, most times, the ways out are only putting a bandage over a gushing vein. We find the cover up, like the fig leaves of Adam and Eve, and hope that the beast will lay in rest for a little while…at least until we’re feeling better.

Purity is the same thing, even for me. I guess most of us think of purity as sexual, which is mainly is, but God thinks of purity in a much grander scheme of things. Whereas our hearts are appearing to be the problem, the real issue may lie somewhere else, causing our hearts to manifest in the way they do. I am, of course, only referring to physical ailments right now, for we all know that the Word of God states that it is from our hearts that foul things rise and temptation comes from. God sees through the heart and through the mess into the cause, the root, of our ailments. It is like the x-ray that the doctors use to determine why your heart is acting up…only a thousand times better.

Jesus sees why impurity resides in us. I guess the word I am looking for is ungodliness. Anything in our lives that is unholy, that we excuse. Take a minute to be honest with yourself and think about all the practices, thoughts, attitudes, etc. that you excuse, anything you have to ‘defend’. Do you ever notice that there are no interventions for those that refuse to drink or do drugs, for those that choose to save themselves for marriage? When I tell someone that I don’t drink, I never have to offer an explanation, I never have to defend myself. When I tell someone I’m waiting for marriage, I never have to argue the points of why.

Take a good, solid look at yourself and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any areas of your life that you are allowing ungodliness, impurity, to reign. Surrender and let God have those areas, let Him bring about changes in the very center, the very core, of your soul, and let your spirit, which was brought to life through Christ Jesus, breathe free in the purity of true love and relationship with Jesus Christ, without veils and without locked doors preventing Jesus full access.

May 5, 2011

Called To Live Here

I want to live in a different world. I have thought this often but I don’t believe I’ve thought of it that exact way. Today, it actually came fully to clarity as I sat here and thought of a couple of things commented on and thereby forever tainted and I thought, I don’t want to live in that world anymore.

There is nothing that can be done, however, for even separating myself would not do much to me but stifle the purpose of God within me. So, I must continue forth in this world. It amazes me that one person feeling great joy and delight over something can have someone say a cold and cruel thing that dampers that joy forever. Why are we so cruel? Why are we so perverse? The answer lies in Romans, I believe, as a sort of summary to these questions.

Since these people refused even to think about God, He let their useless minds rule over them. That’s why they do all sorts of indecent things. They are evil, wicked, and greedy, as well as mean in every possible way. They want what others have, and they murder, argue, cheat, and are hard to get along with. They gossip, say cruel things about others, and hate God. They are proud, conceited, and boastful, always thinking up new ways to do evil.

These people don’t respect their parents. They are stupid, unreliable, and don’t have any love or pity for others. They know God has said that anyone who acts this way deserves to die. But they keep on doing evil things, and they even encourage others to do them.

Romans 1:28-32

This is our world right now, a world that hates God and invents new ways to do evil, encouraging others to partake as well. This is why innocence can be shattered so young and so quickly. This is why something that brings a person joy and a smile on their lips can be ripped to shreds by another’s words.

The joy of the Lord is to be my strength. How I long for that joy to come to me now, today, in this moment, and for all things spoken to be erased. A clean, innocent mind is what I desire, to be pure, and to dwell in the courts of the Lord forever.

I want to live in a different world, but I am called to live in this one. Lord, may I be changed into Your image. May I truly lose all the taint of this world. I do not want to be what is mentioned in Romans 1:28-32. I don’t want those traits in my life at all, not even a trace. Lord, forgive me of my sinful rebellion and my acts and deeds that glorify darkness and may I truly be a light to the world as You are the Light to mine. Amen.

Hello again, it’s me.

What does it mean to be a lily among thorns? I know that I pondered this, so long ago, and as I searched Song of Solomon online today, I discovered that old feeling of remembrance and that longing to fully understand being a lily.

I didn’t forsake my salvation or walk away from Him, but in a way, I moved out of the house. There we were, so deep in love, and I moved out. Just packed my bags and left. I cried. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. At first, when all was slipping out of my hands like sand on the shore, I struggled to understand why things had gotten so normal, why our friendships had gotten so rocky, why some left, some stayed, and all were hurt. Ultimately, I realized through the revelation of Holy Spirit, that I just didn’t want Jesus. Sure, I loved Him and I lived my life as a Christian, but I wasn’t in love with Him anymore, I wasn’t seeking Him and pursuing Him and leaving all things behind to be with Him. Why? What had changed in me that made me so complacent in His presence?

I’m not afraid to say that I distanced myself from Him. Now, years later…and that shocks me to the very core…I am still holding Him away, keeping a space between us, and why? Fear. Mainly fear. I imagine doubt plays a role in my distance as well. I would be lying if I said envy and jealousy didn’t have a hand in it, too. Failure and knowing that I haven’t been near Him, that keeps me far away.

I am hungry.

Oh Lord, I am hungry for You.

I am thirsty.

Jesus, I am thirsty for You.

I use to meet Him in the garden of my heart, my secret garden, a place that was His alone, and we would meet there, and sit beside the fountain of fresh water, and He would tell me of marvelous things. I use to read His love letter and giggle. I use to rest in His arms. I use to lay my head upon His knee and feel His love pour over me every single day. When did I stop going to the garden? When did I shut the gates and lock Him out?

Now, the call is growing stronger. So much so that I nearly am deafened to everything else. The hunger grows ever stronger, the thirst more powerful. I am that deer, I am panting for the water, my soul is longing for my Beloved.

What remains is a small heart beating wounded within my chest, fractured and scarred and bleeding. I am not ashamed to admit that I have deep wounds that only He and I know of, wounds that are festering as long as I am away from His touch and His healing balm. I see it in the words I deny and the things that I hide and the ways that I dance in order to protect myself. I see it in the way that I doubt more fervently than I believe, I see it in the way that I despair and grieve, in the way that I refuse to dance with Him.

I will dance with my King.

Jesus, my Love, wrap Your arms around me and hold me, just hold me, because You are all I need. I repent of my foolishness, of my distraction, of my distance. I repent of my excuses and my unjust living and my unforgiveness.  Lord, take hold of all of me, leave not a part out of Your touch, and may I once again be Your Shulamite, may You once again be my Lover and kiss me with the kisses of Your mouth, a kiss without any shame, something beautiful.

Shalom ve Ahava, my beloved Prince.

What it is

To think about what fills your mind the most, what crazy, obsessive thing makes your writers mind click and move forward, or stall and circle the area over and over and over again, can lead one to truly wonder about why they are the way they are.

For me, it is constantly romance. Once or twice, it is adventure and daring and heroism and fantasy, but mainly and primarily, it is romance. Constant romance. And that, in and of itself, is quite telling as I have never experienced romance in my life firsthand.

That isn’t being completely truthful. I was romanced by the Author of romance Himself. Those days were joyous and full and bright and satisfying. I think it was due to that romance that I developed a much deeper desire, a desire for more than what the movies and books offer.

Currently, is that what is filling my mind? No. Right now, it is the foolish book romance, the romance that fizzles out once the love is expressed, the kind where the ‘happily ever after’ is wrapped up in a two page Epilogue at the end of the book. It’s not seedy or sexual or any thing of that nature, but it is shallow and vapid and randomly unsatisfying. So why is it circling my head and buzzing so loudly?

The call on my life to be a Pastors wife still exists. How can it not? Though I have struggled and battled and resigned and committed and refused and repented, I have never, not once, heard God tell me that He had not called me to that. It isn’t a moment of doubt, it is rather a moment of thinking about the pieces that have to be in place and seeing, quite clearly, that most of the puzzle is still in the box. So, what do I do? I dream.

I dream of those romantic scenes, where you truly feel beautiful and valuable and worthy of a love worth fighting for, or, better yet, being a love worth fighting for. In this day and age, it is expected for women to care for themselves, to seek out careers and self-reliance, and though I have no desire for us to be brow-beaten and considered property, there are days, truly, when I’d like to be a damsel in distress, rescued by a knight in shining armor, and carried away to live all my days as his wife. But, reality takes me closer to the truth. I want to be a helpmeet, I want to bless his life as he will bless mine, to be able to support him and stand beside him, to offer my gifts and talents and to be appreciated and seen for who God has spent so long making me to be.

I want to be worthy of the call God has on my life.

So, I was thinking about romance and I was thinking that maybe I should write a short story with the vapid, waste of time, romance that has been filling my mind lately and that was what this originally started out to be. The amazing thing is, I was interrupted and now my brain has changed lanes and I realize that, though I am truly a hopeless romantic at heart, a well-guarded secret about me, there is only one way to satisfy the longing that fills my heart. And that is through acknowleding who Jesus truly is.

Jesus is my Beloved. He is so much more than that, too. He is my Best Friend, my Comforter, my Protector, yes, even my Knight in brilliantly shining armor. He is my Confidante, my tender Refiner, and my Hiding Place. He is the One that sets my heart aflutter with one word, the One that sees deep into me and still calls me beautiful, He is the One that removes all the stained clothes and garbs me in regal gowns of the purest white. He is the only One that can correct me in the midst of my failings and not leave me feeling empty, a failure, or worthless. He is the only One that sees my compromises and tells me He loves me without any conditions attached. He has never told me that He loves me and added a ‘but’ to the sentence. In those intimate moments, when He says He loves me, that is all He says. He never attaches requirements to His love, never tells me anything negative, all of His words are there to bring growth, change, and peace to this wretched life.

Though it has been years since I have said so, Jesus is my Lover. I am His Shulamite. And, I am not ashamed.

To take the passion from Song of Songs and truly live it is something I have yet to do. Though I came close, so very close, to doing so, Jesus showed me that I was content to live out the romance on the pages…as long as it remained on the pages.

Come alive in me, Song of Songs, and may I truly enter into the chambers of my Lover and know Him, for I am thirsty, thirsty, thirsty for real romance and only One can give me what my heart and mind and soul and life and spirit craves. Come, Jesus, and dwell within Your garden, delight in the fruits that have grown here, drink Your milk and Your honey…it is for You alone to enjoy.

God, I don’t understand…

God, I don’t understand the way of things, why some things happen the way they do, why there is loss, why there is sorrow. God, I don’t understand why some prayers are answered in such powerful ways and others appear to not be answered at all. God, I don’t understand why we cry and why we laugh and why some homes are forever and some are shattered beyond repair. God, I don’t understand darkness and cruelty and suffering at the hands of one you love. God, I don’t understand hatred and bigotry and racism and violence. God, I don’t understand why some people are completely healed and others are not. God, I don’t understand why some lives are cut short and others are so long. God, I don’t understand how selfishness plays out in the form of abortion countless times every day and it is ignored and considered okay. God, I don’t understand…

…and I am so glad that I don’t have to. I know that You are sovereign and that Your ways are far above mine. I am so glad that You are in control and, though I may feel the pain of my own hurts and the sorrows of those I love, though I may writhe under the cruelty of abuse, injustice, murder, and hate, You see more than my mind could ever comprehend. Because, even though I cannot understand all those things and more, the greatest thing I cannot understand is how You love us. How can You love us so much to redeem us, to give Your only Son to save us, to willingly sacrifice perfection to have me, imperfect, flawed, human, sinful me. That is something I can never understand, the depth of pure love, which You give and which You are.

So, God, I don’t understand, but I am so grateful for You. Without You, all the sorrow, all the pain, would be all that would be known. Lord, I do not understand hope, love, joy, peace, victory, deliverance, sacrifice, redemption, salvation, mercy, grace, compassion, guidance, tenderness, forgiveness, protection, endurance, agape, family, belonging, acceptance, covering, beauty, strength, perfect jealousy, purity, overwhelming and consuming passion…God, I don’t understand the wonder of You…but I know that You are in control and that Your love for me is beyond comprehension. So, God, even though I don’t understand, may I always look to You. In the moments of sorrow, may You always be my comfort. In the moments of doubt, may You always be my strength. In the moments of joy, may You always be my source. In the moments of peace, may You always be by my side. Because, beloved God, I don’t need to understand to know that You feel greater pain than I do and that Your love is there, even in the worst times of my life.

Even when I don’t understand…

Dedicated to my friend, Joyce Purley, for the loss of her beloved Minnie…my heart breaks for her.

What do I know of holy?

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.
Romans 12:1, NKJV

Usually, for me, the word ‘sacrifice’ has a negative connotation tied to it. If you want to lose weight, you need to sacrifice your favorite foods and your t.v. time to eat right and exercise. If you want to go on a vacation, you need to sacrifice those extra little expenditures in order to save up for the trip. If you want to live a godly life, you need to sacrifice your flesh.

When I read this portion of Scripture, the words that come to mind are: what do I know of holy? What do I know of offering my body as a living sacrifice, in complete and total surrender, to the God of all creation? And the answer is always the same: not much, if anything at all.

Let’s look at this a little bit closer. First of all, one must look at the mercies of God. God is merciful. This, in and of itself, gives us a firm foundation and a safe place in which to lay down our lives as living sacrifices. Yet, we don’t. We hesitate and we excuse and we ignore and we do so all at our own peril.

One of my absolute favorite dictionaries belongs to my work. It is a Webster’s New Twentieth Century Dictionary Unabridged, printed 1983, consisting of over 2130 pages. It is this book that I turn to for my definitions and I do so now as I define mercy. 1. a refraining from harming or punishing offenders, enemies, persons in one’s power, etc.; kindness in excess of what may be expected or demanded by fairness; forbearance and compassion. 2. a disposition to forgive, pity, or be kind. 3. the power to forgive or be kind; clemency; as, throw yourself on his mercy. 4. kind or compassionate treatment; relief of suffering. 5. a fortunate thing; a thing to be grateful for; a blessing; as, it’s a mercy he’s still alive. at the mercy of; completely in the power of.

Just looking over those definitions is overwhelming in the magnitude of what it means when it says ‘mercies of God’. Yet, even looking at all the kindness and compassion and safety offered in the word mercy, we hesitate on the threshold of total surrender. What is it about man that makes us so stubborn in the safest of places and so gullible in the dangerous ones? Men will free fall from planes, bungee jump from bridges, play with fire, and yet they will not surrender fully to God. What are we so afraid of?

I don’t know you personally, so I can’t answer this question for you or for mankind, but I can answer it for myself. Why am I so afraid of surrendering to such a loving and merciful God? For me, it is the fear of missing out on something. I don’t think that I consciously decide not to let go of everything in light of His mercies, yet I know that the reason I hold out is for that very reason. What am I missing?

Here is something to ponder. The verse says ‘mercies’ not ‘mercy’. Plural, not singular. When someone is begging another to relent, they say, “Please, have mercy.” God pours out over us mercies…a multitude of kindnesses, forbearances, forgiveness’s and graces…I could go on, but as I’m not using proper form in my words, I won’t. Yet, let’s look at some things quickly.

First of all, how many times has God forgiven me? Countless. Little things and big things, dark things and foolish things, and every time the forgiveness is fresh and without conditions. God doesn’t tell me that He will forgive me as long as I never do something stupid again. What would be the chances of me ever succeeding in never doing something stupid again in my entire life? Negative three hundred and fifty, is what I’d say. If God didn’t mercifully offer full forgiveness every time we asked, we would have no hope of ever being forgiven. In His mercies, He forgives me and, this I can say with absolute authority, He forgives you too.

Forbearance. That is a word that requires looking into and so I heave out the large dictionary once again. 1. the act of forbearing. 2. the quality of being forbearing; self-control; patient restraint. Have a continent forbearance, till the speed of his rage goes slower. –Shakespeare 3. in law, an extension of time for the payment of a debt.

Self-control, patient restraint, an extension for debt repayment, these are the ones that stand out for me. Who would surrender to someone who exercised no self-control or restraint? God is amazing in the fact that He does, in fact, exercise self-control in such amazing ways that it boggles the mortal mind of man. All those times that I have blatantly refused Him, all those times I’ve rejected Him for sinful things, all those times that I’ve chosen to do exactly the opposite of what He has said, and He has not plucked my life away. Amazing! And, the final thing, the extension of time for the payment of debt, well, God did more than that. He patiently pursues us (the extension of time) to accept, not a new payment schedule, not lower interest, but the payment in full! Jesus Christ paid the debt that I could never repay by dying for me on the Cross and God extends my time not so that I can find a way to pay the debt, but so that I can accept the payment in full and be free of the debt completely! This is done by repenting and accepting Jesus in your heart as Lord and Savior. And then, the debt is gone!

It is hard to believe that so much can be in one portion of one verse, isn’t it? I sit here and I think, ‘wow, I’ve only just begun and there is so much more to see!’

So, mercies of God…are you considering the wonder of Him yet?

Presenting my body as a living sacrifice is where I arrive at my part in this. God pours out endless mercies on me and asks for surrender. Surrender? Sacrifice? What?

In one of my Bibles, I have it penned in there above Romans 12:1 – What do I know of holy? It stares at me every time I open Romans 12 to read it. I guess I should take a moment here and tell you why I would read Romans 12 a great deal. I am working on videoblogs for my Purity, God’s Way Facebook page. As I moved forward, I felt like God was pressing me to explore what it means to be called. As I struggled with this video, I asked God, “What does it mean to be called by You? What do You want to say?” Frustrated to no end, I opened my Bible to Romans 12, because I had already glimpsed the treasure within that chapter a few months before. And there it was, plain and simple. In 21 verses, we see what it means to be called by God.

This journey is so rich and long and amazing that I have been hesitating at beginning it. Why? Because this journey will change my life forever. How can it not? In the first verse you’re already looking at your relationship with God and the amazing truth that all Christ-followers need to be fully surrendered to God, living sacrifices, which is their reasonable service.

The Amplified Bible says, “make a decisive dedication of your bodies [presenting all your members and faculties] as a living sacrifice” and goes on to say, “which is your reasonable (rational, intelligent) service and spiritual worship.”

What does it mean to surrender wholly to God? It means that you give absolutely everything over to Him, that you allow Him to be a part of every decision you consider making, and that you refuse to set aside His choice and make your own. It means that you let go of everything that is hindering full surrender – everything! – and that you choose to let Him have absolute, complete, uncontested control and rule in every area of your life.

Wow.

At the end of the definition of mercy, it says, “completely in the power of.” That is what it means to be a living sacrifice to the merciful God. To be completely in His power, safe and led where He desires for you to go. Absolute, complete, total trust in the mercies, promises, love, and kindness of God.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers. I was thinking, “How do you do that?” And, frankly, I don’t know. Not really. I can’t hand out a formula of surrender to God. But, the rest of the chapter, and of course the entire Word of God, lays it out pretty clearly. The rest of Romans 12 will be explored in separate blogs, just as it will happen with the videoblogs I’m preparing.

Let’s take a minute and ask God to prepare our hearts for the sowing of seed and the growth that will come from fully understanding what it means to surrender to the merciful God of all creation, the loving and satisfying Son of God, Jesus Christ, and the powerful, wind of fire, the Holy Spirit. Consider what can be done in your life if you are fully surrendered!

Let’s also ask God to make the areas apparent where we are hesitant to let Him rule and also to show us why it is that we are so shielded in those areas. What must be sacrificed, released, and vanquished in order for us to fully surrender to God and let Him rule and reign in our lives? Ask the Holy Spirit to bring clarity to the areas that are confused and to leave nothing untouched. Give God full and complete access to every area of yourself and your life and see what He reveals and what He does.

Furthermore, realize that surrendering to God is an act of worship and praise. What an honor to offer things to God that He has given to us and for it to be considered worship! I believe that worship is the first and easiest forsaken thing in a relationship with God. Here is an opportunity to worship! Oh, God, may I not pass up this time of revelation, growth, and change.

Surrender your Dreams

My dreams have slipped away again. I watched them fall softly to the ground and I was frightened. I have lived my life believing, hoping, knowing that I am a writer. I have held on for years to the novel that I poured myself into for 7 years. And now I am looking at it lying on the ground, the papers blowing around, all my work, lost. I am admitting my failure in the midst of a complete overhaul rewrite of my beloved novel, and my heart is bleeding with the realization that this dream will not become a reality.

As I was thinking about releasing my talent and the novel to God for whatever He desires, even if it means never having anyone meet my cast of characters or be a part of their adventures and journeys, I felt such sorrow that I was nearly overwhelmed.

Later, sitting and choosing not to give up on the dream in a dark, depressive cloud, but rather to learn what it means to surrender it to God, this song came on. The second time I listened to it, reading along with the lyrics, tears filled my eyes and I remembered other dreams.

I sat beneath a mighty pine tree in the Santa Fe National Forest with other young women spread out throughout the woods, each of us holding Hinds’ Feet for High Places, a sheet of paper written on by our own hands, and a red, heart-shaped stone. We were there to surrender.

My dreams were the one thing I couldn’t let go of. I tore that portion of paper away and placed the rest into the ground. Then I sat and prayed and wept and finally, finally, I released my dreams into the careful and loving hands of my Father.

It was in that moment that God revealed to me that He takes our surrendered dreams, dreams we believe we have so carefully shaped and cared for, and untangles them, smooths them out, and makes them possible. He showed me this in full later, but the glimpse was enough. And now I feel that same tugging on my soul. Will I again trust God with my tangled, imperfect dreams?

The song says, “my dreams are me” and I feel that deep within my heart at this very moment. Writing is a natural thing that I can do without the slightest hindrance…except on those rare occasions when everything looks horrid as you write, known as writer’s block. Yet, I know that there is something God desires of me in regards to writing. Can I let the book fall away? Can I release it to God and know that no matter what happens, happiness is His true desire for me?

No one has read my book, not in full, and the few comments I’ve gotten have been of flat characters, characters I am quite proud of. But, today I can acknowledge that I know so little of writing that the book may very well be a boring, vapid waste of paper and computer memory.

So much of my heart and soul was poured into those pages and it is like something dying. Can I let it die?

I guess today is the day to let it go and surrender it to God, knowing that He knows my dreams are me, the very soul of me, and that He knows me better than I know myself. His dreams and plans for me are greater than what I hold for myself, tightly clasped in my hands.

So, I say today, yes, Lord, You may have Past Vengeance and all its characters. Yes, You may have my talent in writing and all its positives and negatives. Yes, Lord, You may have my dreams, because I trust You and I love You.

JD      8/23/11

Surrender by BarlowGirl

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly, not one has fallen
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am
Now, You’re asking me to show
What I’m holding, oh so tightly
Can’t open my hands, can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show You?
Can’t You let me go?

“Surrender, surrender,”
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t You see,
My dreams are me?
My dreams are me

You say You have a plan for me
And that You want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What You can do with
One that’s committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

 “Surrender, surrender,”
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t You see,
My dreams are me?
My dreams are me

“Surrender, surrender,”
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t You see,
My dreams are me?
My dreams are me

Surrender

Can I wake up now?

Wow. It has been such a long time since I’ve really evaluated my life. It is so easy to drift into ‘good enough’. I guess that’s what I did. It wasn’t planned. I just sort of took a walk through the woods one day and ended up asleep far from where Jesus waited for me.

Even now, I can see how He has been leading me to the place that He desires for me to be…the place of total, full, complete surrender. I truly want to lay it all down. Do you realize how wonderful it is to lay everything at His feet and exist for Him alone? That is the purpose of life. Most people wonder why we’re here. We’re here to love and be loved, and in the most marvelous and fulfilling way.

I recall the day that God said, “One day she will give Me everything.” I long for that day. In truth, I do feel like a deer in a dry and thirsty land and I am so hungry and thirsty for that deep intimacy I once knew with God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I miss the inspiration that poured from His word as I spent time every day reading it. I miss the powerful worship times that we shared in my room, just Him and I. And so, I’ve come to surrender.

I have been asleep for far too long. And, with a soft sigh and a deep longing in my heart, I ask my Beloved Jesus, “Can I wake up now?”

As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So pants my soul for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
While they continually say to me,
“Where is your God?”

When I remember these things,
I pour out my soul within me.
For I used to go with the multitude;
I went with them to the house of God.
With the voice of joy and praise,
With a multitude that kept a pilgrim feast.

Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
For the help of His countenance.

O my God, my soul is cast down within me;
Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan,
And from the heights of Hermon,
From the Hill Mizar.
Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;
All Your waves and billows have gone over me.
The Lord will command his lovingkindness in the daytime,
And in the night His song shall be with me -
A prayer to the God of my life.

I will say to God my Rock,
“Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
As with a breaking of my bones,
My enemies reproach me,
While they say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.

Psalm 42 NKJV

It’s not my kingdom

I sat on the throne for so long. It is far from a small wonder to think about the fact that I returned to the palace and placed myself upon the throne again. It has such a comfortable feel to it. The chair is magnificent, built for a king. But, there isn’t a king so I have reined as queen.

The day that I realized there was, in fact, a King, I had willingly and gladly bowed at His feet. How could I not give up the throne? Afterall, I knew all along that it wasn’t made for me. It was for lack of knowledge and ignorance to the true Ruler that I had reined at all and, frankly, I could see the mess that the kingdom was in due to my inept ruling.

All this aside, however, I had journeyed away from the kingdom and upon my return, I had taken up my former place on the throne. And why? I just liked the feel of it. I can admit that I liked the idea of saying ‘my’ in front of everything. My kingdom, my money, my time, my friends, my palace, my carriage…

He walked into the throne room and all I could think was why was I on the throne while He was not. Why was I sitting pompous and gloating upon the very place that I had given to Him? I stood and moved aside and He climbed the dais. There was no anger upon His face, no irriation creasing His brow. In fact, He didn’t even sit upon the throne. He just smiled at me and opened His arms. My Father embraced me, the one who can’t seem to keep myself under His gentle and firm rule.

Looking back on that day, I remember how it felt to let go of the ruling I had become so use to. But the most amazing thing was the fact that He didn’t cast me from the kingdom, which I had ruled as mine for most of my life. Even then, after seating myself upon His throne again, He didn’t exile me far from His presence. Quite the opposite. He is teaching me, lovingly, to rule. Because I am His daughter and He is my Father and my King and that is what I must never forget.

Look at your feet

Commit, commit, commit…

Every word was a punch in the gut…but not in a bad way. I have taken far too long to decide to live love. I think that I have found a way to avoid crossing that line again, yet I am not satisfied to remain here. I’m looking at my feet.

To say that I don’t have intense moments of doubt would be a lie. I doubt whenever I don’t feel like pushing to the next place, when I don’t feel like losing something worldly in order to gain something eternal. In the end, rather than lose the One that I truly need to live my life, I let go of whatever it is that I was holding onto. But, there is that doubt.

Today, I saw the eternal faithfulness of my Father. How often He brings me out of doubt, out of laziness, and into His promise, His purpose, by showing me that He has, in fact, called me to more.

Dare I pursue what He is calling me to pursue? It means a lot of changes and a lot of new areas that I’d be stepping into. It means standing up and stating fact. It means accepting that not everyone is going to agree with me and that I probably won’t see the fruition of prophecy in the next few months.

But it also means that I will be doing the will of the One that loves me more than words can say. I’m looking at my feet, I’m seeing where I’m standing, where I’m hesitating, and now I am watching them move, closer, ever closer, to the fullness of the promise of my Beloved. Shalom!